Harbouring the Truth
Posted: 29 April 2006
Word Count: 154
Summary: My response to the 'Virelay' exercise in Poetry Seminar.
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I return your smile. You think you know that all is well
while I harbour the truth
because right now you have no idea I might rebel.
I look back to my youth.
You think yourself the big detective, quite a sleuth
but fail to see
this slight flush on my cheek, this ripple in the smooth
line of my mouth. Free,
I would run to my lover, grab the future, everything I want to be.
Fettered, I accept my lot;
I frantically trawl my dreams and try to see
the images which I forgot.
Perhaps tomorrow, although something tells me maybe not,
I possibly could go
and give my life-long longings one last shot,
but all I know
is Life doesn’t want to own me. Come on, someone! Show me where
I fit into these days of hell.
I do my best, I try to make encounters a valuable affair.
Time will tell.
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Comments by other Members
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 DJC at 20:48 on 29 April 2006
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Joanie,
Really like the opening line, as it suggests something that has gone on before the poem begins. A tough exercise, this, and one that you manage to pull off pretty well - I'm really struggling even beginning this one! I think that, here and there, the rhymes are a bit forced - but having tried this one myself I know how hard it is to stop this happening. Perhaps you could get rid of the 'which' in the third stanza, and think about how you might say 'days of hell' in a more subtle way.
However, this bit:
you think yourself the big detective, quite a sleuth
but fail to see
this slight flush on my cheek, this ripple in the smooth
line of my mouth. Free,
I would run to my lover
is fantastic, and uses the short and long line to excellent effect.
Darren
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paul53 [for I am he] at 07:44 on 30 April 2006
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I read the Virelay info and thought it would be easy, but I have scratched through so much since first attempting it.
Your upload makes it look effortless and drapes over the given form like a designer dress over a model.
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 joanie at 12:48 on 30 April 2006
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Darren and Foriam, many thanks! I'm sure several of the rhymes are forced; I need to re-draft it and take some more time.
Instinctively, when working with a form, I can't help keeping very strictly to metre, line length, etc., but I haven't done that here; I have just kept to the end lines and the vaguely long and short lines, which is quite a breakthrough!
I was undecided whether to write in the first or third person; what do you think?
Thanks.
joanie
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 Nell at 14:26 on 30 April 2006
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Hi Joan,
I love what you've done with the form, the way you've rhymed and half-rhymed - particularly sleuth/smooth/mouth, the enjambment of stanzas 2/3 and 4/5. This feels accomplished - you're so good at forms.
Picky things: A hesitation over I frantically, which I wondered whether you needed - apart from making the line long. Do you need 'possibly'? It could be quite deliberate - you have 'Perhaps', 'maybe' and 'could' in the same stanza - your narrator is certainly plagued with indecision.
The harbour/sea theme - echoed in trawl - works well - I wondered if that could be extended slightly. Fettered could become 'anchored', 'netted', 'hooked'; I wondered about 'shot' too, but you'd have to be careful not to overdo it.
Come on someone! seemed to make the 'hell' that followed seem slightly flippant or over-dramatic.
As always, see what you think about the above - just my impressions.
A great response to the exercise.
Nell.
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Xenny at 14:55 on 30 April 2006
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Hi Joan
I read this last night a few times, and then again this morning. The bit that keeps really standing out to me is in the section Darren mentioned. Well, pretty much exactly the same lines actually. I really like them. Especially
this slight flush on my cheek, this ripple in the smooth
line of my mouth. |
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I hadn't read about the form before I read this, and it's made me feel I should give it a go - I think you do make it look a little effortless, as people have said. I think when I actually try it I might find it's not so easy.
Nell mentioned this bit:
...Come on, someone! Show me where
I fit into these days of hell. |
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I'm not sure that I found it flippant. I think I found the 'Someone!' quite the opposite, but thought the dramaticness of hell could be taken either way. Or even as a sort of resigned flippantness. It's always hard though rereading after you've read what someone else has said.
Xenny
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joanie at 17:45 on 01 May 2006
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Nell, Xenny! I am so sorry - I haven't responded to your comments.
Nell, I am looking at the sea theme again with the possibility of extending it - thanks! Also (Nell and Xenny) I'm thinking about the 'hell' bit.
Thank you so much for taking the time!
Joan
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Xenny at 17:54 on 01 May 2006
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Joan, don't worry! I just assumed it meant you agreed with every word I said ;)
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NinaLara at 10:38 on 11 May 2006
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I particularly like the fourth verse:
Perhaps tomorrow, although something tells me maybe not,
I possibly could go
and give my life-long longings one last shot,
but all I know |
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because I think you managed to work a life 'truth' in to the poem in an understated way ... which seems very clever within this complex form. It is so difficult to change the things we most want to ... but sort of hold on to the hope way might. I think life-long longings workd well here.
Nina
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joanie at 19:58 on 11 May 2006
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Nina, many thanks! I have been away for a few days and I'm trying to catch up. I really appreciate your response.
joanie
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