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All your lovers from your past escape beyond this moment...

by bookmark 

Posted: 25 April 2006
Word Count: 122


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At that moment your soul seeped out of your body,
Weaving its way through the smoggy air.
Like a genie escaping a lamp.

Dancing towards the light - like the flame of a candle,
It hesitated over the shell of your body,
Teasing – as though to return to you.

Below, family observe the line, never moving or changing.
Look into those eyes, so peaceful now,
You lips parted – slightly smiling.

You see lights whistling away from you,
Like fire crackers. Swirling and twirling.
As all your lovers from your past escape beyond this moment.

The canvas of your soul is blank. Only the essence of you remains
You follow the path up on high.
Waiting in line to be reborn.






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Comments by other Members



DJC at 05:44 on 26 April 2006  Report this post
Bookmark - an interesting and well-structured reply to the rlg line. I love the idea of the family 'observing the line' - this is nicely put. Just three tiny things you might want to consider: firstly, to change 'out of' to 'from' in the first line as it scans better; secondly the typo 'you' (I think it should be 'your'); thirdly, to put a comma after 'swirling and twirling'.

An excellent response.

D.

Account Closed at 10:39 on 26 April 2006  Report this post
I thought this was an excellent piece. Very evocative and yes, it moved me.

I particularly liked the fire cracker imagery.

JB


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