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Life as a Coffe Cup

by ColaAlone 

Posted: 24 April 2006
Word Count: 59

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A deadening, ceramic existance
upon vacant countertops, with
empty Stools that rotate at
strange, awkward stances.
A girl walks in without
receiving any glances, from workers
with tired hands and home
on their minds.
Mascara bleeds from her sunken eyes
filled to the brim with regret.
She fills me with coffee,
but I could never begin to fill her.

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Comments by other Members

Plagious at 16:44 on 05 May 2006  Report this post
Hi Dylan. Welcome to the group. I presume the title should read "Coffee" not "Coffe"?

The first two lines set a suitable scene, but you could change "countertops" for "counters" (they are tops after all?), and "Stools" does not need a capital.

The line, "rotate at strange, awkward stances" seems a little uncomfortable to read. The first is a motion, the second a posture. Not too sure what to suggest - one or other should be replaced? Perhaps the first as you need the latter to rhyme with "glances"?

Next, continuity. Assume the girl walking in is the waitress, not a patron, as she brings the coffee, but why the last line, "I could never begin to fill her."?

Does seem out of context, maybe harsh. Not sure why you have shifted to the first person, but as you have, fill her with what? Her life seems empty and vacant, perhaps a touch of TS Eliot, "I have measured out my life with coffee spoons". Is it that the author is an equally empty vessel and so has nothing to give, or that the girl is beneath them and the last line should be delivered with a sneer?

My interpretation is probably far from what you intended, but the posting provoked thought, which is always good! Look forward to reading more. Plagious

AliX at 10:03 on 02 September 2006  Report this post
Hello - I've never commented on anyone's poetry before and just wanted to add what I 'got' from the poem.

For me, that final switch to first person is about how the poet sees the cup: for the majority of the poem, the cup is not being used and must, therefore sit passively and observe. In the last line it is being used and can, therefore, switch to first person.

The last line, for me at least, speaks of the place inside this girl, so full of regret, can't be filled with anything else - like love or forgiveness. The way that I read it, I don't think that the last line is delivered with a sneer.

....and I think it's a self-service cafe.

I enjoyed it. Thank you. :-)

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