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Desperation
Posted: 23 April 2006
Word Count: 165
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I’ve got a silent fury in me
As black and cancerous as nicotine.
It flows through my veins.
It blocks my pores.
It weaves around my body like a vine.
It has a name, a face, a vice-like grip.
Strangling me in my sleep,
Consuming me in my wake.
I don’t know who I am anymore.
Just a shell of fear and dread.
Not dread from violence,
But ostracism and controlling
I try to talk
I try to tell you…
It’s the lack of respect.
It’s about always being at the bottom of the list.
You hear nothing.
I try again…
It’s about the silence.
It’s the complete lack of emotion from you.
You roll your eyes…’the same old tune’.
But I can’t take any more.
My personality is suffocating,
It’s morphing…into rage.
I could leave,
But that would mean failure
I could stay,
For more of the same.
How did I get here?
It could never happen to me.
But it did…
…please stop
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Comments by other Members
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 cully23 at 16:15 on 24 April 2006
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Hi,
I like these images
"silent fury"
"a vice-like grip"
I think if you examined these images in further "concrete" detail, not spelling things out too much, then, I believe you could have the beginnings of an original poem. Otherwise, I'm sorry to say I think there's a lot of cliche like "the bottom of the list." It "could never happen to me" and "I don’t know who I am anymore."
Majella
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paul53 [for I am he] at 19:03 on 24 April 2006
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I try to talk
I try to tell you…
It’s the lack of respect. |
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The day my mother committed suicide [and didn't leave a note] I was so shell-shocked I ended up at a nearby community I have connections with. A vicar took me into the library and talked with me, even offering to come up London with me and help sort the mess out. I was just unloading to him when this arsehole walked in and interrupted us with something petty. I'm glad I wasn't armed at that moment.
Lack of respect is worse than an insult, for at least an insult indicates someone thought about you, albeit in a bad way. Lack of respect is like reinforcing a sense of non-existence; a sense of invisibility.
This is a strong piece, but well-realised in its execution.
I may return and say more, but for now I have to be elsewhere.
p.s.
Welcome to the group.
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DJC at 20:56 on 24 April 2006
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Hi Bookmark,
A very interesting start to your time here in PGII. Paul is a great host, so you're in the right place! This poem has a lot of potential, and is really powerful - I do feel your emotions coming through here. I sense a great deal of anger in this piece, which you communicate with precision - never an easy thing to do. I particularly like the way you use elipsis... as this gives the impression that you're stalling, never quite sure where you are in the grand scheme of things.
Poetry is an odd thing, in many ways. We often need to feel in control of things in order to write effectively, to somehow stand back from our emotions and examine them objectively. Us poets are great ones for being stood at the edges of parties, watching others, never really getting involved. It can often make us feel rather alone, but then this is what fuels our writing.
I guess what I'm trying to say here is that I feel you need to take a step back from these raw emotions and look at them more impartially. Even changing it from the 1st to 3rd person can help:
He has a silent fury in him
As black and cancerous as nicotine.
It flows through his veins.
It blocks his pores.
It just gives us, the reader, a chance to examine this thing without being caught up inside the emotion.
Hope this in some way helps. Welcome to the group!
Darren
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Katy Kat at 15:29 on 26 April 2006
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Hi Bookmark
I thought your opening verse was very powerful - you describe fury so well. As well as the sense of desperation that is woven throughout the piece, the work gives out strong feelings of anger and frustration. Thought provoking.
Kind regards
Katy Kat
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Iain MacLeod at 17:40 on 11 May 2006
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Hello Bookmark,
I really like this, there's something tangible about the rage in this, and the images painted are just the great. The only one I stumbled over a bit was
Other than that, this was very good.
all the best,
Iain
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 Mr B. at 08:53 on 30 May 2006
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You keep the lid on the turbulent emotions which makes it a more objective piece. This allowed me to sympathise with the character without being overwhelmed by something so obviously painful.
Well controlled.
Nice one!
A
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