No More Sad Refrains
For L.
“No more sad refrains,” is the joyous message,
that comes soft and proud from your eyes.
“Put those sad songs away,” I am told,
by the languid warmth of your arms.
“Sing to me of joy,” is whispered
by your intricate tapestry of kisses.
For this time, all too brief, I leave behind
the lonesome lament, the dampness of eye
and the cold trembling of cheek.
For this time, all too brief,
I gather blossom, make gifts of my words
And lose myself,
wrap myself,
in your love.
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Comments by other Members
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 paul53 [for I am he] at 07:25 on 18 April 2006
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Hi Iain,
| intricate tapestry of kisses |
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is a line many other poets will be jealous of.
There is much quality in this, and you have certainly mastered the art of writing love poetry without falling one way into mawkishness or the other into becoming maudlin. This is, in fact, a hard act to do. Whenever I try to be overly romantic in a poem, I often end up turning it into something comic because it is becoming embrrassing. Probably says a lot about my inner repressed feelings.
I still feel you could tighten it more. Good tightening doesn't lose anything. It is like making gravy: that instead of thin liquid you reduce it down to a thicker soup that could be eaten by itself as it is so brimming with taste.
“No more sad refrains.” The joyous message
from your soft, proud eyes.
“Put away sad songs” |
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That sort of thing. Have a look at George's [Emotion's] contributions to see what I mean.
Paul
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Iain MacLeod at 18:53 on 19 April 2006
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Hi Paul,
Apologies for not replying sooner.
Thanks again for your kind words and encouragement, it means a lot. I have to admit to being afraid of being a bit sentimental when I'm writing these things, but it does help that the inspiration for this deserves more than that and keeps me on the right track.
I see what you mean about tightening things - I've just had a quick look at George's work, and I like the minimalist style a lot. I'll have a look at tightening this (and the previous poem) when I get a chance.
Thanks again and all the best,
Iain
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DJC at 13:23 on 23 April 2006
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Hi Iain,
I've been away from this group for a bit so am not as au fait with your writing as maybe Paul is. There are some lovely images here - I like the way each action speaks words. Whoever L is, you're obviously quite smitten by them, and I'm sure they were really touched by your words.
So that's the good side of it. However, as poetry I find this a little too mawkish in places, although I know Paul said this was not the case. I think that love poetry is such an unbelievably hard thing to do (I've never really tried, so will probably eat my words and think this is fantastic once I have a go), and although you've had a really good go at it, to me there are some cliched elements to the poem which take away some of the power.
I'll take one example.
the lonesome lament, the dampness of eye
and the cold trembling of cheek.
This reminds me a little too much of something from the Elizabethan era, and I think you should avoid anything which doesn't sound contemporary, unless you are deliberately going for pastiche. We just don't talk of lonesome laments and tremblings of cheek any more, so I'm not sure whether it has a place in poetry! The blossom bit as well is just a bit too simple.
I hope I haven't been too harsh. You have a good voice and some real talent here, but I think you should move away from the tried and tested, and look to find your own voice. At the moment, through reading this poem, I get the impression of someone who wants to write poetry, but is trying to sound like a poet. Be yourself and you'll be all the poet you want to be.
Darren
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 GaiusCoffey at 11:31 on 26 June 2006
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Hi,
I have no place commenting on poetry, and am only here as an idle diversion during a coffee break and that is probably the reason that I am now commenting on (or rather questioning) a comment rather than the poetry! (Which, incidentally Iain, speaking as a poetry virgin, I enjoyed a lot. I also enjoyed the fighting snarling piece. Nothing constructive to add beyond that.)
| I think you should avoid anything which doesn't sound contemporary, unless you are deliberately going for pastiche. We just don't talk of lonesome laments and tremblings of cheek any more, so I'm not sure whether it has a place in poetry! |
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Bearing in mind my aforementioned poetic ignorance, I have yet to read any poetry that is written the way people talk. Surely the whole point of poetry is to use words in ways that wouldn't be seen in everyday life?
More fundamentally than that, having moved from the UK to Ireland, I am fascinated by everyday words and phrases that sound contemporary with an Irish accent and positively archaic with an English one "Yield" rather than "Give way" at a junction, for example. I'm not saying that is what has happened here, but it seems a bit constraining to force a style of language onto a form of word-play that is already so structured and yet so personal.
Just my two cents, I am ready to have it shot down!
Gaius
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Iain MacLeod at 09:10 on 13 August 2006
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Hi Gaius,
I'm really sorry, this comment must have slipped under my radar. It's taken me longer than usual to reply, so my apologies.
I'm inclined to agree with you, that if a word or turn of phrase seems right then it most likely is. It seems to me that poetry is an artificial construction and yes, I would ask anyone to point out to me any piece which is written how people would express themselves in conversation. Poetry (and I'm just as new to the whole thing, so am more than ready to be laughed at too) seems to me to be about expression of feelings in a creative manner; if you have to use the odd old-fashioned expression, then so be it.
all the best,
Iain
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