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The Takeover

by amigo01 

Posted: 16 April 2006
Word Count: 367


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The takeover

His heads down his hearts pounding, struggling to keep his composure as bullets crash into everything that surrounds him. He flinches and guards his face from the falling glass and debris and cracks a faint smile, as he begins to wonder just how he’s landed himself in such a predicament. However, now is not the time to ponder; the roar of gunfire begins to fade until the street is eerily quiet. So quiet that he hears his own heartbeat (which pulsates so heavily he can practically feel it in his throat). The only other sound to be heard comes from their Thompson’s, overworked and overheated, their barrels hiss as they burn through the gunpowder residues left inside. Locking in his second clip he cautiously moves towards the rear of his Buick, (the vehicle now rendered useless due to the sheer number of bullets embedded within its frame), and finds a semi safe vantage point just in time to watch Chase Velez emerge from the centre of his would be assassins.

Know too many as “your favourite gangster’s favourite gangster,” Chase Velez had emerged as one of Harlem’s most thorough and prolific trigger men. His intimate understanding of weaponry learned early on the streets of Havana. Son of a freedom fighter; Chase grew up in a world where bullets replaced your words, a gun, your only platform from which to speak to a regime so deeply immersed in corruption. After the murder and imprisonment of those closest to him Chase fled to the United States, eventually finding a home in Harlem NY, where he was quickly seduced by the mighty dollar and became engaged to a life of crime.
Chase drops his Thompson, the rest begin to reload but stop suddenly as Chase throws a stare over his left shoulder, cold enough to freeze the actions of most hardened criminals. Mouth slightly agape his head slowly pivots back to the direction of the Buick, their eyes meet and Chase breaks into a smile, a smile which on any other occasion could be described as warm and welcoming, however both are aware this smile is sinister in nature and but a brief interlude to intense gun fire.






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Comments by other Members



amigo01 at 13:51 on 17 April 2006  Report this post
Hi guys, this is the beginning of my novel. If by some miracle I managed to get it published and its cover was a blank canvas (no pic etc), after reading the first 367 words would you be enticed/intrigued to read on/more.

Your comments would be greatly appreciated.


Patsy at 02:17 on 18 April 2006  Report this post
Hi :)

This did catch my attention, as I like the old world, roaring 20's Scarface type stories. Loved the Cuba connection :)
You have set up an exciting first scene with a gun battle, but it has a bit of a "tell" feel to it. How about putting in a bit more "show"?
Let us see more through your main character's eyes. Read this out loud to yourself, and then sit down and imagine you are your main character.
Tell me what he sees and feels. What are the smells in the street? Are his palms slick with sweat on his gun? Is the sun in his eyes? Is there a cat running for cover in the alley -- A woman cowering behind a car with wide eyes and a yapping poodle on a leash? Set the scene for us. Let us feel what he feels.

Hope it helps,

Patsy :)


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