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Street Life
Posted: 24 August 2003
Word Count: 104
Summary: This is about a man I once saw sitting on the street one night on my the way from the theater. We did not speek, but our eyes met for a split second. It will take a long time before I forget that look of wisdom, yet filled with total resignation.
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Woke up in the morning,
warmed up by the sun.
Seems I chose the wrong day,
to tamper with that gun.
One more day to go then?
Woke up in the morning,
tickled by the wind.
Seems I chose the wrong day,
to commit that final sin.
One more day to go then?
Woke up in the morning,
mellowed by the rain.
Seems I chose the wrong day,
to prove myself insane.
One more day to go then?.
Laying stiff one morning,
frozen by the snow.
Seems I didn?t have to chose,
I?ve left this life we know.
No more days to go then?
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Comments by other Members
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 roger at 07:29 on 25 August 2003
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Hi Margrethe,
When I read your summary, I thought, Oh, we've met then, but when I read the poem I changed my mind...I'm too young to go yet! But seriously, this is good, clever and intriguing. I think it's good when a poem leaves you wondering 'why', and pondering on the possibilities, which yours did...the culmination of a lifetime; what led to this sad ending for the poor bugger so full of wisdom? What spoiled it for him and filled him with such resignation? I hope someone grieved for him.
Great stuff.
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olebut at 10:16 on 25 August 2003
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Margerthe
whatbeautiful words, i wonder if you made the lines longer if you would increase the blackness and pignancy as I think the rythm is a little sing song and perhaps too happy
i.e
Woke up in the morning warmed up by the sun,
Seems I chose the wrong day to tamper with that gun.
One more day to go then…
Woke up in the morning tickled by the wind,
Seems I chose the wrong day to commit that final sin.
One more day to go then…
Woke up in the morning mellowed by the rain.
Seems I chose the wrong day to prove myself insane.
One more day to go then….
Laying stiff one morning frozen by the snow.
Seems I didn’t have to chose I’ve left this life we know.
No more days to go then…
it is however a fine emotional and sadly a true reflection of life for many.
take care
david
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Margrethe at 18:25 on 25 August 2003
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David
Thank you so much for your comment. I do totally agree with you, making the lines linger makes the whole thing darker..
Then again I think that the "sing song" lighter version hopefully gives a shred of "hope" in all the sadness - that just a ray of sun, whisper of the wind or caress by the rain cpuld make someone in a rather hopeless situation dside to go on for at least one more day.
Anyway - I am thrilled - I now have to different versions - that gives a different feel :-) Thanks a lot :-)
Anyone else has an opinopn on this?
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olebut at 18:29 on 25 August 2003
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Margrethe
in some ways I agree with you about the shorter version but dont you think by leaving the One more day to go..... line in and as a short 'chorus ' that this provides that slight pathos effect ?
take care
david
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Barney at 18:43 on 25 August 2003
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An excellent addition to our little group! A completely different - and welcome - style of poem to what the rest of us have offered. It's the type of piece you could actually work with in performance, or in a song.
Looking forward to more
Barney
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peterxbrown at 01:01 on 26 August 2003
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I love the sing song effect of the shorter lines and the repeated "one more day to go then". It has the bluesy feel of a quality folk song in the genre of Guthrie or Dylan. Could you replace "No more days to go then" (which is very unambiguous) with another "One more day to go then" and then complete the poem with a repeat of verse one and a final "one more day to go then......."? This could have the effect of suggesting a repeated pattern of the action, an endless repetition of the death being played out so that its finality as an act is broken and brings no peace or conclusion.
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Account Closed at 19:07 on 26 August 2003
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Hi, Margrethe - I enjoyed this very much and am deeply confused as I now love both versions for very different reasons!! The short one because the "jolly" rhythm acts as a sinister song-like counterpoint to the tragedy, and the long one because, as you say, the longer lines allow you to dwell on the "unnoticed" horror of what is really happening.
Whatever you choose,I don't like the three dots after that one line refrain - I prefer your original question mark.
It would make a marvellous performance rap piece.
Lots of love
Anne B
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BorderBound at 18:38 on 27 January 2004
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mm i loved it...
"No more days to go then..."
its a question, tediously walking through life and then.. oh, no more? right then...
Gal, x
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Tarbra at 11:49 on 09 November 2005
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I somehow expected a nice ending like walking out into the sunshine, but then life isn't like that, so it was a good refection on reality. You obviously have a lot of hunour in you. Linda
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