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Lighthouse

by Iain MacLeod 

Posted: 09 April 2006
Word Count: 222
Summary: This is really my first attempt at poetry for years, so I hope it makes sense and you find something in it you like.
Related Works: Battle • Find Me • Highland • No More Sad Refrains • Stillness Becomes Me • 
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For L.

Lighthouse - V2
She guides me in the darkness
when I cling vainly to the prow of my ship,
following the path I always steer.
“The sea must have an ending,” they say,
and I belonged to that shadowy course.
Once.
I knew it with the familiarity
that breeds the darkest contempt. It gripped me
gently and insistently, a tight velvet leash.
But now she guides me in the darkness,
singing to my soul and pulling me from the wastes.
Now I chart a different course, for which I know no map;
I open my sails to the wind, and her breath carries me on.



Lighthouse - original

She guides me in the darkness this lighthouse,
when I cling vainly to the prow of my ship,
following the familiar path I always steer.
“The sea must have an ending,” they say,
and I belonged to that shadowy course.
Once. I knew it with the kind of familiarity
that breeds the darkest contempt. It held me,
gently and insistently, an iron claw wrapped in velvet.
But now she guides me in the darkness this lighthouse,
she sings to my soul and pulls me from the wastes.
Now I chart a different course, for which I’ve known no map;
I open my sails to the wind, and her breath carries me on.






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Comments by other Members



paul53 [for I am he] at 07:32 on 10 April 2006  Report this post
Hi Iain,
In future, it might be prudent to tick the box indicating the level of comment you are seeking, as some on this site can be heavy-handed unless politely restrained.
There is fine sentiment in this expressed well. I think by the title and content the reader knows what you are saying, so the first line would convey the same if it said simply:
She guides me in darkness,

Poetry strives to say as much as possible in as few words as it can, using the power of imagery like an artist using bold brush strokes.
I see what you are painting in the second line with:
when I cling vainly to the prow of my ship,

but wonder if it would be best without a modifier, and if where the writer is on his ship is that vital.
This is a moving piece that can be made even more so with some tightening.
Lastly, I would reconsider "iron claw wrapped in velvet" for another metaphor. It is not quite a cliche, but does have a familiar ring to it which distracts the reader from the piece.
Hope all of this is helpful, and not more comment tha you wanted.
Paul
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Iain MacLeod at 08:26 on 10 April 2006  Report this post
Hi Paul,

Damn, I forgot about ticking the box, thank you for reminding me - I've just updated it so it states what level of commenting I'm looking for.

Thanks for your encouragement. One of my faults as a writer is writing far too much, and it seems to have been carried over here. I like the idea of simply putting "She guides me in the darkness", as it seems starker and somehow more effective. I'll have a look at thinking of something to replace "an iron claw...." as well."

But thanks for taking the time to have a look and comment. I appreciate it a lot.

all the best,

Iain
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