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As long as I`m not there

by apsara 

Posted: 08 April 2006
Word Count: 95
Summary: 'As long as I'm not there when they shoot it' - overheard school secretary saying this on phone, turns out there was a monkey on the elementary campus. You'll be glad to here that after several days they captured it & took it to an animal sanctuary.

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As long as I'm not there when they shoot,
I won't have bad dreams, won't wake up
sweating in the night, I won't be held

As long as I'm not there when they torture,
I don't have to question what they're doing
to keep myself and my family

As long as I'm not there when they imprison,
I can enjoy the sun, the sand, the sea,
the mountains, without

As long as I'm not there when they kill,
I can pretend I live in a free country,
where everyone's life is

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Comments by other Members

paul53 [for I am he] at 07:47 on 08 April 2006  Report this post
Bravo. My father and many others were starved through a particularly severe Winter many decades ago now by British and American overseers. All his teeth fell out, and he had just turned twenty.

joanie at 08:16 on 08 April 2006  Report this post
Hi apsara. I love so much about this: the overheard remark, the subject matter, the form (particularly the repetition and the single last word of each verse), the conciseness.

I like the enjambement of lines 3/4 in each case, and normally I would have said that there shouldn't be a capital for the single word, but you have made it much more effective with the capital.

This is very powerful; I enjoyed it immensely.


anisoara at 15:20 on 08 April 2006  Report this post
That's quite a powerful last line. Effective structure, with Accountable, Secure, Guilt, Free capitalised and standing alone at the end. I think they build up well, also - placing 'Free' at the end is a kicker. The ultimate self-deceit, isn't it? Comments in particular on the current atmosphere re harsh 'anti-terror' measures, but its resonance is not limited to that.

DJC at 06:15 on 15 April 2006  Report this post
Tracey - you take the initial idea and run with this in a very thought-provoking way. At first the capitalised last line in each stanza jarred a bit, but I can see why you've done it. Not sure you need to, though - I think these are powerful enough words without. Otherwise this is great stuff.


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