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by Ellenna 

Posted: 22 August 2003
Word Count: 101
Summary: True.. well it was the summer of 67..

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this morning as i watched the stretching dawn
my mind cast back to long ago
in Italy
we rose early and spoke no word
and out into the early haze
you , me and the sitar

we walked in silence to the field of corn
and there we sat
in a nest of gold
you played to me and I closed my eyes
and lost my being to the dawning rose

and as I briefly stirred
there beside us
still but for wide eyes and a twitching nose
was a deer
lured by the magic sound

you had charmed us both

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Comments by other Members

olebut at 08:35 on 22 August 2003  Report this post

I love some of the phrases in this poem

the stretching dawn, a nest of gold, to quote but two ,

the image of the deer being charmed as well is very effective.

and i love the image the poem projects oh those heazy lazy love filled days of long ago which i guess we have all experienced but perhaps didnt always appreciate at the time.

one small comment I am not sure the following works quite as well as it should

' my mind cast back to long ago in Italy'

do you need the long ago as you have cast your mind back?

conversely if you want to keep the long ago for effect you could swap the line around a little

' my mind cast back to Italy, oh so long ago.'

yes i have deliberately put the oh in but whatever you decide a nice poem with great images

as always take care


roger at 09:56 on 22 August 2003  Report this post
Ellie, why don't these nice things ever happen to me? It doesn't seem fair. As I've just done with that nasty Andrew, I have to forgive you for LOLing at my misfortune; how can I hold grudges against someone why can write like this? Poems should be poetic, and this is just that...beautifully so. Love it.

Hilary Custance at 20:40 on 22 August 2003  Report this post
This works like a dream, Ellie. 'The stretching dawn...' wonderful, Cheers, Hilary

bluesky3d at 20:49 on 22 August 2003  Report this post
Ellie, the language sounds very natural, the word order to me sounds great just as it is - Andrew :o)

Ioannou at 09:30 on 25 August 2003  Report this post
Really beautiful, Ellie. The beginning stanza perfect. Pictures for the mind. Not sure of the deer bit. Somehow too 'cute.' Sort of takes away a little from the sheer beauty of the first two parts. But maybe contrast was what you were after? Love, Maria.

Ellenna at 17:03 on 25 August 2003  Report this post
Maria , thank you.. this is actually a totally true story! so yes it may be a bit cutesy but... its like it was !..slightly incredible!

Ellie :)

Ioannou at 09:35 on 26 August 2003  Report this post
*smiling heaps* Okay, okay, if it's reality you're relating I can live with cute... Love, Maria.

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