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Grey
Posted: 30 March 2006
Word Count: 77
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Version 2
Difficult
to say where drizzle stops
and mist begins. Greyness
veils a landscape
dripping with dampening Springtime.
Impossible
to know when friendship starts
and love takes off. A lifetime
shrouds emotions
trickling under the surface.
Version 1
Difficult
to say where drizzle stops
and mist begins. Greyness
veils a landscape
dripping with dampening Springtime.
Impossible
to know when friendship starts
and love takes off. A lifetime
shrouds the feelings
nestling under the surface of reality.
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Comments by other Members
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 NinaLara at 18:35 on 30 March 2006
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I love poems like this! It has the quality of a list poem - which leave the reader to make the connections between apparently unrelated ideas and objects.
In Yorkshire we have the word 'mizzle' .. which is the place you are talking about between mist and drizzle. Before all the pits and factories closed I expect it was a very important word! I'm not sure about dripping and dampening together, although they convey that soaked Spring air very well. (could you have 'soaked with Springtime'? or 'drips with dampening Springtime'? .... there are so many lovely wet word to play with.)
I really like the surprise of the second verse. I think you could play with the second sentence of the second verse to maintain the element of surprise ... I think 'a lifetime' and 'reality' are a little problematic and perhaps not necessary.
Thank you - I found this a refreshing read.
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 joanie at 19:06 on 30 March 2006
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Well, thanks, Nina! I appreciate your suggestions and I'll try them. Thank you for taking the time!
joanie
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steve_laycock at 23:52 on 30 March 2006
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hmmm, I really agree with Nina. It's one of those poems that you could pick up and read and it brightens your day.
Lovely images in the first stanza, and a really good, heartwarming thought in the second.
The only bumps i ran into were losing the 'time' in springtime and, like Nina, losing the reality. - would that I could!!
thanks tho
cheered me right up!
steve
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Tina at 05:28 on 31 March 2006
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Joanie - in haste before work - just wanted to pop in now as I am off on hols soon - *** whopppewwwwwweee
This is another of your lovely 'snapshot' poems - a moment caught - I love this central bit.
Greyness
veils a landscape
dripping with dampening Springtime.
Impossible
to know when friendship starts
and love takes off.
Your poems are like tiny watercolours - a moment captured in beautiful pale sweetness.
Thanks
Tina
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joanie at 08:55 on 31 March 2006
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Tina, thank you so much for those kind words; 'like tiny watercolours' is a lovely image! Glad you enjoyed it.
Enjoy your holiday too!
joanie
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Account Closed at 21:06 on 31 March 2006
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Hello Joanie...
In Scotland, the word is Driech (pronounced Dreek) to describe your grey. I liked the "dripping with dampening springtime" line. I actually liked version 1 more...
trickling inder the surface maintains the "wetness" of the poem..
Thanks for sharing this Joanie...
Andy
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 Elsie at 22:04 on 31 March 2006
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Hi Joanie - I looked the other night but was too exhausted to think! I like both versions - 'trickling' is interesting, but perhaps nestling better. But I like the new last line better.
I was pondering - it feels like one should say 'where friendship stops and love starts' (if its about the transition from one to another), but obviously friendship hopefully doesn't stop at that point.
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Elsie at 22:04 on 31 March 2006
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Hi Joanie - I looked the other night but was too exhausted to think! I like both versions - 'trickling' is interesting, but perhaps nestling better. But I like the new last line better.
I was pondering - it feels like one should say 'where friendship stops and love starts' (if its about the transition from one to another), but obviously friendship hopefully doesn't stop at that point.
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joanie at 12:48 on 02 April 2006
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Hi Andy and Elsie. Many thanks for your thoughts. I'm still thinking about the amalgam of versions 1 and 2! Andy, thanks for the 'Driech'. I wonder if you could have a look at my Shipwreck and tell me how to pronounce 'Cirein Croin'?
Thanks!
joanie
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