Begraveness
Posted: 30 March 2006
Word Count: 77
Summary: Probs lots of typos.
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You know you're reaching adult-hood when
you start attending funerals.
My chorus of homeless thoughts
struggle barely to breathe.
Does God liberate our souls
or forsake them?
We take comfort in ancient words as
our own words are useless.
In death, golden tea is poured over
memories happy and sad, your reflection at its clearest.
Luke-warm spirits surround us
turning time back.
Sips intake a being no more,
until the drops are gone, then you can rest.
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Comments by other Members
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 steve_laycock at 12:25 on 30 March 2006
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Awsome first two lines - and so true. Nothing brings age home better than someone you know dying.
"To begin to comprehend the reality and the
surrealness of death."
I found the rhythm a little bumpy partly because of the 'real' rhyme - could be
"To begin to comprehend
what's real and surreal in death."
Though I'm not sure that works either (way to go - nice comment steve!) not sure what to do, maybe look again.
"Taking comfort in ancient words as
custom words are useless."
Love this, so true, so many cliche's pass around at funerals, because they often do express everything we need to say. I wondered about the use of 'custom words' just because 'customs' are also present, and ancient, so the association was awkward.
"My chorus of homeless thoughts
struggling bearly for breath." [barely]
I really like this image, and wondered if it should go before the previous two lines, so maybe the homeless thoughts find comfort in ancient words.
"Hoping the good souls sail on
and their chosen endevour rewards them."
These lines are not as strong as the rest, they seem a little like a cop-out - a bit like you're now using the ancient images you were just commenting on. Ok from one of the mourners, but i want the poet to have a higher eye.
"For living is a choice to be taken,
it can be forced from time to time."
I wanted you to continue this a little, the forcing of life is such a powerful image, especially at a funeral. I wonder where your going? Maybe lose 'to be taken' and expand!
"In death, golden tea is poured over
memories happy and sad, your reflection at its clearest."
I like the golden tea image, there's something very sterile and pure about tea like on the adverts, without milk, from a pot. And the idea that only after people are dead can we reflect on them, gain clarity, is powerful and true.
"Luke-warm, spirits surround us
turning time back."
Really good, again, i see the luke warm people mingling at a family gathering, being warm and supportive but holding back as well; talking about the past.
"Sips intake a being no more,
until the drops are gone, then you can rest."
I like the ending, the cup of tea / funeral metaphore i wonderfully English. And the rest for the living is very poignant.
Sorry if these are a little thorough, they're just my thoughts as I read it. There were lots of really good images, maybe look at the rhythm in places and remove all superfluous words.
thanks
steve
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Account Closed at 12:31 on 30 March 2006
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Favourite part: "golden tea is poured over
memories". Gorgeous.
A couple of mis-spellings:
- bearly: should be barely
- endevour: endeavour
Steve
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hailfabio at 13:15 on 30 March 2006
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Thanks steve and steve,
very useful comments. I am editing.......
Stephen
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NinaLara at 14:29 on 30 March 2006
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I like the first 2 lines too - they drop you into the poem straight away in a lighthearted (I think that's the right word!)way.
In death, golden tea is poured over
memories happy and sad, your reflection at its clearest.
Luke-warm, spirits surround us
turning time back.
Sips intake a being no more,
until the drops are gone, then you can rest. |
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I think this bit is fantastic - I don't think you need the rest of the poem .... just the first two lines and this. I think you should drop the comma after luke-warm .... I like the image of lukewarm spirits and this also introduces an ambiguity about which spirits we are talking about (ghosts, the people at the funeral, alcohol at the party afterwards ... is the golden tea whiskey?).
As you have said in the poem, there is nothing you can say about death - so why try to? I think a shortened version of the poem would be a very clever comment on the inadequate attempts we make to say goodbye.
(I don't agree with Steve's notion of a 'higher eye'. Sounds like a God-like view from nowhere which - to a Feminist like me - means the search for a single 'masculinist truth'. We are always in our own bodies, and poetry (and all forms of writing) should recognise this!!! Perhaps we should start a thread on this ... it would make a very interesting debate.)
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 joanie at 15:29 on 30 March 2006
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Oh, Stephen, how true the first two lines are! I, too, love the 'golden tea' bit and the wonderful My chorus of homeless thoughts
struggling barely for breath |
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I am not so sure about the rigid two-line sentences; I wonder if it makes it all a bit stilted, but I did enjoy it very much!
joanie
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 Elsie at 22:11 on 31 March 2006
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Hi Steve - a clever idea to use the idea of pouring tea for this. I wonder if there's a tighter, shorter poem in the second half of this? Ah - just noticed NinaLara has suggested the same!
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 James Graham at 16:30 on 01 April 2006
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If you're in the middle of editing I won't confuse matters by adding a lot of other comment. It's clear that everyone likes (among other things) the 'golden tea' image. It works so well because its literal and metaphorical meanings are both equally interesting and valid, and both very near the surface. On the literal level, we can all see gallons of golden, comforting tea being poured at funerals; but we're aware at the very same time of the metaphorical content - of tea as a metaphor for the collective effort to comfort and console.
Having puzzled over your title I think I can see what you mean by it, but it's a bit contrived. Maybe a simpler title?
James.
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hailfabio at 09:26 on 04 April 2006
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Thanks for all the very useful comments.
I've tried to tighten it up a bit.
The title is German for burrial.
Cheers
Stephen
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steve_laycock at 20:51 on 04 April 2006
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The new version is definitely denser, and it meant i read it more often, thinking about the meaning. For all the reasons everyone has said, it's probably better - I miss the first two lines, though, being at the start.
thanks
steve
ps. i really like the title, now i know what it means. Begraveness on it's own was good, with a meaning it's better!
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joanie at 21:11 on 04 April 2006
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Hi Stephen! Yes, this is good. How about keeping the original version if you revise another poem, so that we can compare?
I enjoyed version 2 very much!
joanie
<Added>
However, I did prefer the opening lines of version 1.
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steve_laycock at 21:30 on 04 April 2006
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Also, to Nina: there is a lot of interest in what you're saying for us as poets, though I'm a little more cautious about the politics. But if you started something I'll def join in
thanks
steve
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James Graham at 18:16 on 05 April 2006
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I agree this is much improved, more concentrated. The middle lines might read better, with better continuity, if they were full sentences rather than phrases as they are now:
My chorus of homeless thoughts
struggle barely to breathe.
We take comfort in ancient words as
our own words are useless. |
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This just means that the grammar, the sentence form, is the same all through the poem.
Just possibly - though I'm not altogether sure - the new opening lines might be placed after 'breathe':
My chorus of homeless thoughts
struggle barely to breathe.
Does God liberate our souls
or forsake them? |
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That would make 'Does God liberate our souls/ or forsake them?' one of the 'homeless thoughts' - maybe the most disturbing one.
I'm getting to like the title - it's a novel idea, to take a German word and make an English version of it. Begräbnis (funeral - it didn't just trip off my tongue, I had to look it up!) becomes begraveness. Somehow it takes on a new meaning, something like 'a mood or state of mind in which we reflect on very serious matters'. If that's the definition, it's a very appropriate title.
James.
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hailfabio at 15:46 on 06 April 2006
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Thanks for the comments James,
I agree as usual, and well done on your research of German. I'm often fascinated by foreign phases and words as they can often say so much. And an interesting title can make a poem.
Cheers
Stephen
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