ROYAL BIG BROTHER (part 1)

V/O: Prince Philip to the diary room. Will Prince Philip come to the diary room.

PHILIP: Well, I suppose you want my nomination, eh? Let me give you a couple of clues. She looks like Red Rum and is the only female impersonator I know who actually head buts her makeup on. Her clothes smell like an Arabian tampon factory and I mean really, have you smelt old halitosis breath recently?

That's right, old bollock chops herself, Camilla! I say if Charle's bloody marriage is going to work this time, then my advice is to give the old trout the mother-in-law treatment. She always knew her place, God bless her soul – under the bloody stairs with all the dead corgies where we only bring her out for Christmas and state occasions!

END


ROYAL BIG BROTHER (part 2)

V/O: Prince Charles to the diary room. Will Prince Charles come to the diary room.

CHARLES: Hello? Hello? Ah, erm, this is really awkward because of what happened last time. You know, when I nominated Diana.

END



ROYAL BIG BROTHER (part 3)

V/O: The Queen to the diary room. Will the Queen come to the diary room.

QUEEN: One would like to nominate ones ex daughter-in-law Fergie. What is it with that girl, can’t she take the hint and fuck orf! Ever since the day she came through that portal from hell and sunk her claws into Andrew she’s been getting on the royal tits and one’s had enough! It was so different and simpler in the old days when a Royal Warrant meant curtains for toe sucking slappers like her. Hmmm, well if she’s going to go then she might as well go out with a bang. (Thoughtfully) I’d better book the Merc I suppose - just like last time.


END