Session 2
Posted: 29 March 2006
Word Count: 93
Summary: Following on from session 1 .. two further bits of the story.
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being told
The window’s open
‘I’ll go, it’s best.’
He blurs.
I snatch at the frame,
plucked by this air
I suck.
Every membrane knows
the light split and grip
slip away
futures fray, coiled strands
undone, spun out
to nil.
Session 2
Shadows cut
arcs round her eyes.
‘I hate regret -
hooked to a window.’
Bent forward, she glares
through the floor,
rocked by the depth of it.
‘I can’t crank the film.
Father’s death’s next.
The hole’s too big to jump.’
jaw bolts
eyes clamp
we hear a bus
scuffle.
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Comments by other Members
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 Brian Aird at 08:40 on 30 March 2006
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It's a powerful narrative alright. I like the short bursts of energy in each group of lines.
the light split and grip
slip away |
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Not sure of light split yet and we expect a jaw to clamp, not an eye. But unexpected words force the reader to think more.
Liked especially:
and...
Its like reading a film script
Brian
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 James Graham at 17:06 on 30 March 2006
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Now I can begin to see how 'Session 1' could fit in as the first of a series. It's a kind of opening chapter, which gives us some of the facts of this woman's experience but keeps the deeper emotional 'story' more or less hidden under the nervous 'bluff' that gets her through the first session.
In 'Session 2' she says much less and there's a strong sense that working in therapy, digging deep, is proving very hard. This poem is very economical with the language it uses, and that adds to the sense that a little is allowed to show but much is still hidden. There's quite a lot to be discovered in each short section. 'Shadows cut/ arcs round her eyes' is a harsh image, suggesting shadows that are almost solid like blades, and strongly suggesting how hurt she is. 'I hate regret -/ hooked to a window' must ring bells with many readers - it's something that I'm sure most people can recognise - a terrible moment in your life is forever linked to some object, and the object takes on a kind of bad aura which it never loses. The image of her staring 'through' the floor is striking - or rather, what follows is even more striking. 'Rocked by the depth of it' - she seems to be shocked by the depth of the earth, down to its core; but we soon make the imaginative connection - she is appalled by the depth of her own feelings, the 'regret' she has mentioned, and hatred of the circumstances that caused this regret.
There's maybe a slight contradiction between 'I can't crank the film' and 'The hole's too big to jump'. I can see the point of each of these separately, but they don't seem to go together. They refer to such different things. Of course, she's struggling to express something and casts about for ways of saying it; there's no real reason why the two metaphors she finds should be along similar lines. Just thinking aloud - are these two images ok close together in the same three lines? On reflection, probably yes.
The very short couplets at the end are both telling. 'Bolts' and 'clamps' repeat the metallic harshness of the cutting shadows, and your closing lines (less than a haiku!) introduce that kind of external 'presence' that's always so evocative when there's an internal, private drama going on. I think 'Session 2' works very well - you make language work hard in it.
As soon as I started to read 'being told', I recognised the window! That's the window mentioned in 'Session 1', and now we learn a little more. Putting the two mentions of the window together, we get the whole picture. It can work well in a sequence of poems to pick up threads like that and carry them forward from one poem to the next.
I feel though that the second half of 'being told' loses touch with the place - the window, the room, seem to disappear altogether. How would it be if you put all, or some, of the lines 'Every membrane...nil' in the middle of the poem, and finish with 'I snatch at the frame...suck'? Or else find another way at the end of reminding us of the window and the room?
James.
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 NinaLara at 18:17 on 30 March 2006
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Thank you Brian and James,
I it clear from your readings that I managed to communicate what I wanted to - which is a great relief. I find writing in isolation so hard - I end up with something that resonates for me, but am always anxious that my condensed style doesn't actually do the job I want it to!
Your comments are very helpful, James. I couldn't put my finger on what was wrong with 'being told' .... I just had the sense that something was getting lost. I will play around with it and see if ending with the second verse will help. I have an idea that the middle two verses could run together more freely. Thanks very much.
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 joanie at 19:27 on 30 March 2006
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Hi Nina. The first lines really grab me - then futures fray, coiled strands
undone, spun out
to nil. |
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is excellent.
Shadows cut
arcs round her eyes. |
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is a fantastic image.
I also really like | rocked by the depth of it. |
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Good stuff!
joanie
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NinaLara at 12:36 on 03 April 2006
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New version:
being told
The window’s open
‘I’ll go, it’s best.’
He blurs:
spun out futures fray.
As coiled strands slip
away
I snatch at the frame,
plucked by this air
I suck.
<Added>
What on earth happened there?
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NinaLara at 12:40 on 03 April 2006
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please read above without the underlining - obviously some kind of gremlin has sneeked into the system/ my brain.
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steve_laycock at 14:58 on 05 April 2006
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Hi Nina, sorry it's taken so long to get to this. If there were ever two more different poets, though, eh? Your stuff is so sharp, and, like James said, you really make the words work for you. Makes my gear sound like I'm drowning in honey!
I love the way you crank up the tension here. it brings the hour down into a few words and we feel the journey she's taking. The more I read it, as well, (part of the reason I wanted to come back to it was because I'm a bit simple with this sort of poetry, I need things spoon-fed sometimes) but the more I read it the more i really feel her. I like the way it's laid out in a simple, concentrated narrative. The eyes at the beginning which reveal so much about her state of mind, the window and the regret (after my hundredth reading these two are possibly the weakest in the piece - because they're so self-explanatory) then the movement, and the return to silence - which is so powerful. Staring through the floor, the past, the dead space where we know her mind is working, working, working - 'rocked by the depth of it' - but her body's rooted. Then, 'fathers death's next' - she sounds like someone who can see the future, it's really eerie, and it helps us understand how much she's living it. - 'Jaw bolts / eyes clamp' is really good - esp. 'eyes clamp' - the sheer defiance of it!
Then, again, the ending is just wonderful! Before you know it, the 'bus scuffles' - great image - and she's gone.
The sparseness of the words made it hard work initially - though I'm sure that's just me - but once i cracked the shell i found it reflected how sharp, cutting and sometimes empty, therapy can feel.
thanks
steve
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James Graham at 15:18 on 05 April 2006
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'being told' - This is how revision often works - you don't necessarily compose much new material for the poem; what you mainly do is leave some words out and rearrange the rest. Sounds simple, but it can be very tricky. I think you've done all that's needed, and these three short verses will be make a big contribution to your 'Session' sequence. This little poem isn't just tight, it's clenched - it seems to be the result of a huge effort to contain the overwhelming emotions of an awful day, to bind them into this brief, reticent poem.
Having the window at the end as well as the beginning keeps the poem very immediate. You've got the middle part right, I think - the image of spun threads was there before, but now it's much more effective. There's no repetition in the two-and-a-bit lines - first the threads of the future fray, then they unravel and fall out of sight. There's a development there. And finally the rhythm and sound effects of the poem work well too - the alliterations of 'futures fray' and 'strands slip', rhymes of fray/away and plucked/suck, these are the 'bindings' of the poem, reinforcing that tight, 'clenched' feeling there is about it.
I wonder if anyone else agrees that this poem could survive by itself? Without the two 'sessions' (two so far) it would be quite cryptic, but accessible. The reader would have to read a lot into the title - being told what? Well, likely answers are not too far to seek. It wouldn't be hard to get a pretty good idea of what's going on from clues in the poem. That's only a thought, and the poem is probably better in its place in the sequence, a key part of the story.
James.
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NinaLara at 20:08 on 05 April 2006
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Thank you James and Steve for giving so much thought to these short pieces! I am really encouraged by what you say ... and feeling slightly more confident about my ability (which is pretty major for me after all these years of extreme self doubt).
Best Wishes
Nina
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James Graham at 18:38 on 10 April 2006
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Even from the small number of poems you've posted so far I'd say your concise style works well and has lots of potential. So even after such a short time in WW you should already be getting out of that extreme self-doubt - into normal self-doubt, which I imagine is the state most poets are in!
James.
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