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encounter
Posted: 27 March 2006
Word Count: 104
Summary: more rambling than poem
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how when she went out
or was it a dream?
on the top floor of a disused block
talking to an accountant
who told her the offices and banks
were churches to new gods
but houses were nests
and the rest hadn't changed all that much.
You speak so freely, she said
are you enlightened or stupid?
Oh, he laughed
I don't choose the words myself
and he bent to tie her shoelace
which she'd stepped on
climbing up the stairs
Outside the rain and concrete
waited heavy as each other
and rows of houses faced her
as she walked out of the door
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Comments by other Members
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 Elsie at 20:56 on 27 March 2006
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Xenny
Back to comment properly tomorrow - as my brain has been sapped. But for now - the line 'are you enlightened or stupid' struck me as honest as something I have thought before/ wondered about people on a first meeting. Is there a bit of the first line missing - or is that the intention? Back later!
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 Xenny at 21:05 on 27 March 2006
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That's fine - whenever you have time. You must rest! I'm not desperate for comments anyway - it's more of a daydream/mood, and I'm not too worried about making a poem from it. I just wanted to put something up after all this time. I left the first line like that as it was part of a much longer daydream/dream which I couldn't find a beginning to.
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 Nell at 06:43 on 28 March 2006
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Xenny, your poems seem imbued with a beautiful strangeness, and examining this one for how you've achieved this it seems to me that it's something to do with very slight deviations from everyday behaviour ...he bent to tie her shoelace... (love it!) combined with simplicity of language and an almost dream-like atmosphere. They seem like glimpses into the lives of innocents, and I know I've said this before but for me the feeling's strong in this too.
The first line bothered me, but subsequent readings are making it seem right. There's a delicacy, a balance that maybe only you can achieve, and I'd hesitate to suggest alterations or additions in case the poem lost something special.
Love the exchange of words, exact and just right somehow. Thanks for posting this.
Nell.
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paul53 [for I am he] at 11:40 on 28 March 2006
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Xenny,
If this is rambling, I can't wait until you get down to it seriously. Robert Creeley came to mind for some reason, maybe how the seeming randomness makes sense.
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Xenny at 11:41 on 28 March 2006
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Thankyou Nell,
| The first line bothered me, but subsequent readings are making it seem right. There's a delicacy, a balance that maybe only you can achieve, and I'd hesitate to suggest alterations or additions in case the poem lost something special. |
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Oh I wouldn't mind at all, honestly. If I didn't like them I'd just ignore you :p (joking). I only mentioned about not really being desperate for comments etc to explain that I wasn't really striving to get a nice neat complete poem out of it. But it never ever bothers me to have suggestions. Sometimes other people see something in things that I don't.
If I were to work on it at all I'd definitely think about that first line, yes.
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 joanie at 19:53 on 28 March 2006
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Hi Xenny. The images are wonderful; I get the impression that there are snippets of many conversations spoken and overheard here!
I just love Outside the rain and concrete
waited heavy as each other |
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As far as I'm concerned the last four lines would stand tantalisingly alone! .... but I like short poems.
Very enjoyable.
joanie
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Xenny at 19:57 on 28 March 2006
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Thanks joanie.
I like the last four lines on their own too - it's why I broke them off from the rest
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Mac AM at 08:16 on 29 March 2006
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This is very interesting Xenny and you never quite know where you are with it. I liked the use of a modern cliché, offices and banks / were churches to new gods and that rather than basing your poem on it, you spring board away to houses were nests …. And then the very unexpected are you enlightened or stupid – had I been drinking a cup of tea, I’d have sprayed the room, just as you do when someone says something blunt or funny, and this was both!
I too struggled with the opening line. Nell said she liked it on subsequent readings, but I’m not so sure. I felt a little wrong footed, but then the poem does that so successfully elsewhere, that perhaps it is just me being awkward.
It is great to have you back in the group and working again. I’m looking forward to seeing so much more from you.
Mac
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Mac AM at 08:30 on 29 March 2006
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This is very interesting Xenny and you never quite know where you are with it. I liked the use of a modern cliché, offices and banks / were churches to new gods and that rather than basing your poem on it, you spring board away to houses were nests …. And then the very unexpected are you enlightened or stupid – had I been drinking a cup of tea, I’d have sprayed the room, just as you do when someone says something blunt or funny, and this was both!
I too struggled with the opening line. Nell said she liked it on subsequent readings, but I’m not so sure. I felt a little wrong footed, but then the poem does that so successfully elsewhere, that perhaps it is just me being awkward.
It is great to have you back in the group and working again. I’m looking forward to seeing so much more from you.
Mac
<Added>
Thanks Nell!
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Xenny at 10:41 on 29 March 2006
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Oh, thankyou so much Mac. (I've just learnt that 'thank you' is(are) two words, but I don't like it!). It's really good to be back.
I'm going to look at the beginning and see what happens.
Xenny
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