Pre Leda
Posted: 25 March 2006
Word Count: 220
Summary: A response to the exercise in Poetry Seminar, based on Radio 4's "The Last Picture Show".
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Version 3 - FINAL version??
Beneath this arch of feathers
a glimpse of forgotten features,
eyes formed then put aside
until his creative fire burned
again and from its ashes
this masterpiece took shape.
Her left thigh crowns a hint,
the suggestion of a mouth
emerging from the shadows,
an unknown Rubens. Her treasure
promises to hold the mystery
beneath, which a tilt of the head
unearths. Which icon would
win the prize? The present
grandeur or the hidden gem?
Version 2
Beneath this arch of feathers
a glimpse of forgotten features,
eyes formed then put aside
until his creative fire burned
again and from its ashes
this masterpiece took shape.
Her left thigh crowns a hint,
the suggestion of a mouth
emerging from the shadows,
an unknown Rubens. Gaze long
to find the treasure of a painting
buried deep beneath this arch
of feathers. The shadows hold the
promise of a chef d'oeuvre
painted over just to cut the costs.
Version 1
Beneath this arch of feathers
a glimpse of forgotten features
formed then put aside
until creative fire burned
again and from its ashes good
this masterpiece took shape.
Her left thigh crowns a hint,
the suggestion of a mouth
emerging from the shadows,
an unknown Rubens. Gaze long
to find the treasure
buried deep beneath this arch.
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Comments by other Members
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 seanfarragher at 13:14 on 25 March 2006
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You have a mixture of fascinating images and then you generalize, and it says to me I want more in this poem. Some detail wouldn't slow it down. If it continue after "arch", then the poem would read whole.
Beneath this arch of feathers
a glimpse of forgotten features what features?
formed then put aside
until creative fire burned creative fire?
again and from its ashes good
this masterpiece took shape.
Her left thigh crowns a hint, beautiful stanza!!!
the suggestion of a mouth
emerging from the shadows,
an unknown Rubens. Gaze long
to find the treasure what treasures? More!
buried deep beneath this arch. AND???????
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 joanie at 13:23 on 25 March 2006
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Thanks for the very swift response, Sean! I'm already thinking about you said and working on it! Thanks for taking the time.
joanie
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joolsk at 13:32 on 25 March 2006
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Hi Joanie,
I absolutely loved the third stanza, it also happens to be your least oblique stanza. Like Sean, I thought that this was way too tantilising - I wanted to know more, to be fed with those images, to know those features formed then put aside.
Jools
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joanie at 13:37 on 25 March 2006
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Jools! I really appreciate your response. I'm working on it right now.
Thank you.
joanie
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seanfarragher at 15:52 on 25 March 2006
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The poem is so much stronger now. Let it sit for a day or two, and add a bit more -- just as an experiement. You have beautitful music in this poem and the imagery brings me to Leda. I am not sure, which Leda, as I am not in UK. But Leda of the myth, and Yeats. I can feel the myth and poem.
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 Nell at 17:03 on 25 March 2006
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Hi joanie,
I read the second version first, so here's a fresh eye! Still tantalizing (in a good way) and the painting keeps forming and reforming in the mind's eye.
Loved ...feathers/features, ...eyes formed then put aside... and the third stanza. I think the repeated 'arch of feathers' works well (one can see the huge wing - it feels like two huge wings), but I was less sure about the repeat of 'shadows'.
I wonder whether 'painting' is serving you well here - it's already suggested in the allusion to Rubens. I wanted something slightly daring there to go with the subject. Just a thought - it's your poem!
That last line is a surprise and there's the sense of another story too - I wish I'd heard the programme - must try and catch it later.
A lovely musical response to the exercise.
Nell.
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joanie at 14:19 on 27 March 2006
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Thank you, Nell. I rushed version 2 and it needs much more thought. You're right about the 'painting'. The feathers]/i] was to repeat the opening line but I guess it's too much.
I'm going to have another go with it soon.
Thanks!
joanie
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Nell at 15:38 on 27 March 2006
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Joanie, I don't think the second 'arch of feathers' is too much, it's obviously deliberate, and seems almost to suggest two great wings. I just wondered about the second 'shadows' which (for me) doesn't have that feeling. Give the poem time though, and the answer will come.
Nell.
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Xenny at 09:39 on 28 March 2006
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The third stanza! It's brilliant. I've just noticed a couple of other people have commented on that too. Like Nell I also love 'eyes formed then put aside'. In fact, almost the whole thing I think works quite brilliantly, with only one tiny doubt. I just wasn't sure I really liked the last stanza. (I'm talking about the second version). The line break seems to inturrupt the flow a bit too much, which is okay because of the change in direction at the end, but just personally I felt I wanted it to be smoother. And the words 'chef d'oeuvre' also I found quite inturrupting. (It's not really the change in meaning that I minded exactly - more the choice of words and the line break).
I sound so negative! That's wrong, as while I was reading I thought 'wow'. (Just when I got to the end I thought, 'oh :(' Sorry! Please forgive me for picking on that bit. It's personal taste I think).
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joanie at 11:30 on 28 March 2006
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Thanks, Xenny. I'm still trying to find time to develop this. The last stanza was done in too much of a hurry. I'll have another look sometime soon! Thanks very much for your thoughts.
joanie
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paul53 [for I am he] at 11:37 on 28 March 2006
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As previously stated, the third stanza is marvellous, and you should be justly proud of it.
I can't pretend that I understood the final sentence, but that may be because I never fully understood the whole "Leda and the Swan" thing - i.e. why it was Art and not just plain kinky. If anyone wants to explain it to me by WWMail, I'll try and get my head around it.
| eyes formed then put aside |
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Brilliant.
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Mac AM at 06:22 on 29 March 2006
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Sorry to come late to this Joanie. Hasn’t the poem progressed? I think the language you use gives us as many glimpses of this layered painting, as much as the program (which I didn’t hear). You seem to tease the reader with the shadows and, hints and glints of the Ruben’s that could be underneath.
I think this also works, because women of this period were said to hold their unknown treasures under their petticoats, so just like those women, this naked (?) woman holds treasures under her flesh.
It is good to see the three versions and to look at how much sharpening and tightening you have done.
In addition, is this Greek Myth Leda? In which case we have the secret of Helen of Troy too?
Lovely,
Mac
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Nell at 18:18 on 29 March 2006
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Gosh Joanie, three versions. I think this works beautifully - I prefer the end too. Thanks for the link, although the eye remained elusive, even though I turned my head 90 degrees - the other painting must surely be portrait rather than landscape format. An extraordinary painting - amazing the subjects that could be tackled under the acceptable cover of classical myth or biblical illustration.
Nell.
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joanie at 09:45 on 30 March 2006
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Yes, Nell. I think you need to see the real thing!
joanie
<Added>
I meant one needs.....
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Mac AM at 13:15 on 30 March 2006
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Not a very impressive Swan all things considering. I could easily fight that off!
<Added>
I do mean the painting - not the poem!!!!!!!!!
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Xenny at 13:29 on 03 April 2006
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Hey joanie
I've only just seen the change you made to the end. I do prefer it - I think the whole thing works ever-so well now.
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