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Flash Fiction #89: Walking

by Cailleachna 

Posted: 18 March 2006
Word Count: 221
Summary: My challenge is this: a) 300 words or less, b) written in the first person, c) from the prompt 'What was I thinking?'


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I was lost. I see that now - I mean, I could see it then, but looking back I can see just how lost I was. They picked me up and put me back on the path, and I was so grateful, just because it was a path, just because it was better than the wilderness I'd been walking through for the best part of fifteen years.

Just a path. Now I see I'd have taken anything, anyone, to feel less alone. And they'd have taken anyone. I was nothing special, to them, just a face and a wallet. I guess deep down I knew that, but at the time I thought I could live with it, just to feel wanted. Even if it was a lie.

Sometimes, though, when you lie to yourself, you get very good at it. And looking at the time I spent, the money I spent, the things I did...well, I wonder just how much of the lie was theirs and how much was my own. And I suppose I can take a little comfort in that, in knowing that a part of me never lost my independence, that a part of me knew exactly what was going on, and agreed to it.

But it's only a little comfort, because then I have to wonder why.






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Comments by other Members



darrenm at 14:09 on 18 March 2006  Report this post
Hi Sharon,

This was a touching piece I enjoyed reading and re-reading. What a tragic situation for a person to be in.

Now I see I'd have taken anything, anyone, to feel less alone.


I guess deep down I knew that, but at the time I thought I could live with it, just to feel wanted. Even if it was a lie.


..beautiful sad desperation.

Great closing line too.

Darren.



Prospero at 15:55 on 18 March 2006  Report this post
Hmm, this sounds to me like someone who got caught up in a cult, who sold their soul for an illusion of belonging.

Quite chilling in its understatement.

Now I see I'd have taken anything, anyone, to feel less alone. And they'd have taken anyone. I was nothing special, to them, just a face and a wallet.


A very telling line.

Best

John

choille at 21:10 on 18 March 2006  Report this post
Hi Sharon,
Very sad and refective, but also telling in that the narrator kinda knew what was happening, but was so alone that they went with it.
Agree with Prospero sounds like a cult - Scientology thing.
I read it a few times as I really like the air it has about it. It's sort of as if they know their self really well.
Great stuff
Caroline.

crowspark at 22:39 on 18 March 2006  Report this post
Hi Sharon

A perceptive insight into the psychology of fringe religions and the frailties they play on in some cases.

that a part of me knew exactly what was going on, and agreed to it


You have it covered!

I had brushes with two cults and think your neat flash covers all the angles.

Nice writing.
Bill

Cailleachna at 17:32 on 19 March 2006  Report this post
Thank you very much, guys, and I'm very glad that I got the feeling of this piece across to you all.

Especially glad you like the closer, Darren; I almost didn't put it in!!!

Caroline, you're right, I wanted to communicate a sense of self-knowledge in this rather tragic little story, because to me it's one of the most important things that comes out of any trauma.

Bill & John, I'm very glad it clicked for you. It's not just about cults, although obviously that's where a lot of the imagery comes from (being given a path to follow, the rather painful image of the money that can be sucked away) but about anything that demands a serious commitment of money, time and energy and gives nothing back except for a vaguely empty and very temporary feeling of well-being. I think that underlying metaphor can apply to any addiction; drugs, alcohol, even a one-sided or abusive relationship.

The idea to place it in these particular terms came from participating in a religious debate message board which is frequented by several fervently religious people who see their escape from their rotten pasts as proof that only Jehovah/Jesus/Buddha/L Ron Hubbard could possibly have saved them - and it sometimes seems that they have to believe that, because if they accept responsibility for their own redemption, then they have to accept responsibility for their tragedy as well. The sad thing, to me, is that they are leaping from one crutch to another, and by doing so they will never learn to walk free.


Jumbo at 22:53 on 19 March 2006  Report this post
Sharon

just a face and a wallet


This is so powerful and so sad. How many people get themselves caught up in these nightmare scenarios?

I like the dep, introspective feel that it has, the underlying suggestion that it could have been so different.

Great writing!

All the best

jumbo



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