Disjointed Parts (of you)
Posted: 16 March 2006 Word Count: 335 Summary: A holistic love story...
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Your arms are soft and welcoming like a worn armchair that has lost its precious stuffing I want to sleep there like a cat curled up in an exact circle
Your chest a comfortable cushion made with real horsehair could adorn a dreary sofa the armchair in question perhaps and there i may want to play hide and seek but never count to ten
Your hands express innermost thoughts They write in curious Braille especially coded for me They could compose music or paint dark images of you and me if you so desired them to
Your legs hard and unyielding like steady pillars Used by you to seek direction to walk, or to have sex perhaps The purpose matters not They sculpt rather serious steps with unusual force
Your testicles, your penis seem at odds with each other Yet like a piston and a hydraulic lift they jerk together into consciousness connected by invisible strings They connect you to me
Your heart beats fast and furious and yet I have little sense of the erratic quality of it How it waxes and wanes and swings to and fro How it lies to you when you need to know the truth
Your mind is totally out of sorts with that heart that beats It untimely rules you with twineless thoughts It holds you hostage to repetitive patterns that consciousness denies
Your soul is finally awakening It is a gentle soul rubbing bleary eyes It looks around Anticipates the landscape then returns to sleep a while….
And you are not the packhorse nor a package carried by your thoughts Not the undiscovered one nor the mere shadow on an illegitimate wall You are alive, REALLY alive
And I will lie with you In beds, in baths, in unknown hallways Sometimes in your head but always in your heart We will always smell of sex and each have hidden knowledge of what makes the other tick And when dreary clouds Reform and clear You will remember me
Comments by other Members
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joanie at 22:15 on 16 March 2006
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Hi Esther. I love much of this: the first lines of each stanza, the second person, the delicious feeling that here is something beautiful. I have to say that, as far as I'm concerned, less is best, and I think that the first two lines of each stanza would make a lovely poem.
Your arms
are soft and welcoming
Your chest
a comfortable cushion
Your hands
express innermost thoughts
Your legs
hard and unyielding
Your testicles, your penis
seem at odds with each other
Your heart
beats fast and furious
Your mind
is totally out of sorts
Your soul
is finally awakening
And you
are not the packhorse
And I
will lie with you
You will remember me |
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That's drastic! ..but do you see what I mean?
I enjoyed it!
joanie
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Esther Frances at 23:49 on 16 March 2006
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Dear Joanie
Many thanks for your comments - yes, it is a little drastic but you are right - I have been told before (by fellow poets) that less is often more but I never want to let go of any of it so that's my problem - I am beginning to realise that maybe the less you write, or even say, is often more - I guess it leaves room for reflection under the surface too. I appreciate the trouble you went to to reformat into your shorter version -thanks for that. Esther Frances
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radavies1uk at 15:49 on 17 March 2006
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Heya Esther
I too have to agree with Joanie, although I think you could be less drastic and still keep Joanie's punchiness, and your own depth and passion.
Cheers.
Bob
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joanie at 17:39 on 17 March 2006
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Hi Esther. I wasn't suggesting in any way that you prune it to that extent. I don't think that would be right, but it was to show the other extreme, I suppose. I agree with Bob.
joanie
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Esther Frances at 20:49 on 17 March 2006
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Hey Joanie and Bob thanks for that - I will take it on board but please forgive me for the next one (What's a Valentine?)I will post because it is very long and you are meant to be exhausted by the time you finish reading it with great pace. Thanks again. Esther Frances.
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Account Closed at 23:32 on 21 March 2006
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Esther ... I am a great believer in economy. Saying things concisely without paucity of language is a great discipline. You could have made this shorter and gone for "punch", but I feel the personal quality of this piece would have been lost. Its the adult version of the young teenagers crush, a more eloquent way of saying I fancy you because...Its a very personal piece to share because of that I think, so thank you for that. If anything it illustrates the dichotomy inherent in this art form. You want to hook your reader, land him gaping at your feet, but also - when writing from the heart - want to indulge the catharticism, the release the words have for yourself. There is often no right or wrong way, but ideally a way that works for everyone that reads it.
More opinion than criticism.
Andy
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