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Cape Town
Posted: 16 March 2006
Word Count: 107
Summary: I am there and this is what I'm feeling! Not the conventional view I know...
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Crows croak their throaty groans
in tall trees on Table Mountain.
I walk the deserted paths haunted by
the threats of mugging, rape,
the casual theft of freedom.
The sea sparkles with precious jewels
of sunlight and white triangles
sail imperceptibly round unnoticed buoys.
On the Waterfront cardboard cutout buildings
are stage sets for the affluent
and cars are their protective clothing.
The mountain has its silen beauty but
in the chalice of conflation the voices mourn
the loss of trust of each for all.
The guidebook says vibrant, lively
and the beauty's real but all I see
is people living in cages of their own construction.
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Comments by other Members
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 DJC at 06:48 on 16 March 2006
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Hi Tracy,
Yes, I feel like I'm there with you - this is an evocative and detailed look at one person's point of view, gazing down over Capetown. I was there a few years ago with my wife, and we too felt this contrast between the affluent tourist trade and the abject poverty. I think you capture it well here. If I'm picky, I think the rlg line is shoehorned in, but that doesn't really matter, as you could always alter this at another time, and have a very powerful and thought provoking poem. I really like 'the casual theft of freedom' - this is very well put. An excellent response to a tough rlg!
Darren
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Beadle at 09:36 on 16 March 2006
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Hi Apsara
I just posted a pice about Cape Town, checked the archive and this was the piece before mine. Spooky.
Not sure what the RLG was, but I really resonate with your images of Cape Town.
In particular:
casual theft of freedom
and
is people living in cages of their own construction
The last line is very true, at least with regards parts of this place. I'd be interested to see what you would make of other parts of Cape Town that aren't so obviously well-heeled.
Beadle
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DJC at 16:22 on 16 March 2006
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My wife and I were there on honeymoon - we stayed at the Cape Grace. Were taken into 'downtown' Capetown and within minutes my wife had a young boy beside her putting his hand into her handbag. We didn't go back there again.
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 joanie at 22:24 on 16 March 2006
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Hi apsara. I've never been to Cape Town, and now I wonder whether I should!! (But then I want to see 'The sea sparkles with precious jewels
of sunlight and white triangles
sail imperceptibly round unnoticed buoys')
I enjoyed these images; thank you!
joanie
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Harris at 11:00 on 17 March 2006
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I really liked this poem. Very perceptive and quite gritty, especially set against the visual backdrop. I disagree with DJC's I| think the rlg line is shoehorned in |
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, actually thinking you have found quite an interesting use for the , something I've been pondering quietly to myself this week...
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seanfarragher at 18:16 on 20 March 2006
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Crit will be deletion edit. Nothing new added. Some rearrangements. Underline means you need to find a more precise word, or an image that is fresh, startling, new. You might extend the phrase to several phrases to extend the imagery necessary to create the right context for the poem. BF means I love the image, idea, concept or verbal music..... Italics .... look at the line and see if it can evolve into something more. The poems needs a more complete foundation. It is not a fascinating outline for a poem that I know you possess. These suggestion are from one person, and other may disagree. You are the one who has to look at your poem and read it aloud to yourself.
Crows croak throaty groans
in tallfind a more precise word than "tall" trees on Table Mountain.
I walk paths haunted by
the casual theft of mugging, rape,
The sea sparkles with precious jewels
of sunlight and white triangles
imperceptibly sails round unnoticed buoys.
On the Waterfront cardboard buildings
with a cutout stage andtheatersets for the affluent
and cars protective clothing.
The mountain has its silent beauty but
in the chalice the voices mourn loss of trust of each for all.elaborate here
The guidebook says vibrant, lively
and the beauty's real but all I see show and example
people (alive)living in cages of their own construction. |
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<Added>
I meant to say NOW not NOT
in
It is now a fascinating outline for a poem that I know you possess.
Sean
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