 radavies1uk at 17:40 on 05 March 2006
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Hi Joanie, Excellent Thanks :)
My front window looks out directly over manchester into the sunset, and I have the same thought every sunday as the sun goes down :)
Beautiful. Cheers :)
Bob
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 joanie at 17:42 on 05 March 2006
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Aw, thanks, Bob! That was a quick response. I used to be not far from Manchester.
Glad you enjoyed it.
joanie
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Okkervil at 13:04 on 06 March 2006
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Carefully chosing words to get across an upliftingly pleasant sentiment. Can't think of a better way to spend twelve or sixteen minutes of a Sunday evening!
Lovely, thanks!
James
<Added>
Oh, and York, Joanie. That's where I be. Nice Minster.
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Jekyll&Hyde at 09:04 on 07 March 2006
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Hi Joanie,
I liked this, and admire anyone that can look out of a window and compose a piece as tranquil as this.
Very nice.
Like how you've used "cajoles" in this poem, it really works.
S.M.
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joanie at 12:28 on 07 March 2006
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James and SM - many thanks! Lucky you in York, James!
joanie
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gard at 15:51 on 07 March 2006
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Hi Joanie
very nice
you know, I thought there is something haikuish about this poem. I think it is becuase of the observations you write off, are sort of describing a Zen moment (sorry to use a cliche).
I almost felt you could form this into a haiku or another form such as a tanka, sijo or something.
G
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joanie at 21:19 on 07 March 2006
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Thanks, Gina. I'm sure you're right - I'll have a go when I have time. Thanks!
joanie
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Felmagre at 06:59 on 09 March 2006
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Hello Joanie,
This comes across as a witful longing for a break from work.
I wonder though if your change in tempo in the last verse was deliberate?
but now it cajoles us
into enjoying
the last few moments
of the freedom
which is weekend. |
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If not...would it be worth omittiting/changing something along these lines.
now it cajoles us
into enjoying
a few last moments
of weekend freedom
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Just a thought.
<Added>
Sorry, about the typo's brain working faster than the fingers...must start slow down.
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joanie at 18:43 on 09 March 2006
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Thanks, Felicity. Yes, I think I did want to change the tempo ...... slow ... it ... all ... down.... make Sunday evening laaasstt......
Thanks for commenting; I appreciate it!
joanie
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engldolph at 19:00 on 09 March 2006
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HI Joanie,
Yes, nicely captured...there is simething that lingers..
my suggestions..to be ignored as a whole, but maybe there is something that helps .... is to omit a few words - to sharpen and get rid of rather over-used, flat words, and make the whole thing flow as one..
for exmaple:
It’s after six o’clock
but the slightly ( no need for still)
darkening sky
provides us
a silver backdrop; only yesterday
it seems
the day had long since
gone to bed,
but now it cajoles us
into the last few moments ( not need for "enjoying")
of freedom (no need for "the")
which is weekend.
enjoyed
Mike
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joanie at 19:41 on 09 March 2006
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Hi Mike! Thanks for your great comments! I have read your version and, while I quite like the different format, I think I still want to keep 'enjoying' because I don't think you can cajole somebody into something, only into doing something.
I want to keep 'the' freedom too!
I'm still pondering!
Thanks Mike.
joanie
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engldolph at 21:16 on 09 March 2006
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HI Joanie,
I guess all i'm saying is that
if you have something cajoling you into the last moments of freedom which is weekend... then the "enjoying" is already implicitly there..it is screaming at you, so why put it in...?
but it needs to fit the voice in your head..
best wishes
Mike
<Added>
ps. I think what i really like about the poem, is how you have selected and captured that particular moment at the end of a Sunday, that seems to hang between the weekend gone and the work week to come
mike
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Felmagre at 06:36 on 10 March 2006
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Yes, poetry is always personal. It is what we wish to convey - our voice- and tempo is part of that.
Well done
Felicity.
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 Elsie at 10:20 on 12 March 2006
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Late to this - it sums up a feeling/moment so well. Perhaps another reason for keeping the 'enjoying' is the link (half-ryhme) of cajole/enjoy? And the last few moments are gonna be there- whether you enjoy them or not.
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joanie at 13:29 on 12 March 2006
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Mike (again), Felicity and Elsie - many thanks! Yes, Elsie, you've explained that well; thank you.
joanie
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