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The Cosmonaut`s Foreplay

by Rovey 

Posted: 03 March 2006
Word Count: 193
Summary: Spaceman, I always wanted you to go into space, man......


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The atmosphere is at its thinnest
just before the dawn
and the sky is low
and light
and soft blue haze and distant glow
and strangely warm

in this herewhen
where the air is at its thinnest
where hyperbole ventilated
dances like faeries in ring a roses
where whispers blow as hurricanes eye
blinking, winking vapours
and waiting for a window
to stare through with longing
sleep remains
closed rhythmic beeps

and in this empty plain
so vast and flat and kissed and touching
between these blurring worlds
pre-flight checks
a butterfly effect
a man dreaming
a metamorphosis
and where breathing is at its thinnest
making hair curl foetal flash fizz
adrenal ash
strangely warm

and the radio crackles
with the adolescent sunís exploding acne
between these stations far from static
moving rambling imagery
on eddies of stardust bobbing
for knowledge apples
erratic

and in the heavens
a returning friend awaits green light
to come visit, to dock and tether
tenterhook and collect
somewhere under the gulf stream
in mid-atlantic
in a squall of mathematics
truth answers
and a countdown starts
where breath is at its thinnest
just before the longest day

trip






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Comments by other Members



Okkervil at 13:30 on 03 March 2006  Report this post
I really enjoyed this. Some of the lines make such simple, crisp phrases, encapsulating so many ideas. Sometimes it only took three words, 'closed rhythmic beeps' becoming slightly more cryptic, 'adrenal ash/ stangely warm,' but it doesn't lose interest. You sum the piece up yourself, 'moving rambling imagery.'

'Where whispers blow as hurricanes eye' seemed a bit clumsy, and I wondered if it could be rephrased, maybe as 'where whispers blow as a hurricane's eye,' for instance. I also thought you could remove 'a' from the seventh line of the third stanza, just to keep the rhythm a bit tighter.

Oh, another thing, the 'adolescent sun...' line is a cool idea, but seemed to me a little out of character image-wise with the rest of the piece. The rest of it is nostalgic, romantic and intimate, but distantly so, without choking. This bit is neither, and neither does it have the mysterious veil that surrounds the rest of it... I found it a little jarring. Hey, it could just be the word 'acne' which seems out of place. Maybe that's an effect you wanted, anyways, I might be wrong.

Regardless, I like it, and 'on eddies of stardust bobbing for knowledge apples' is a fantastic line!

Bye!

James

Jekyll&Hyde at 08:59 on 08 March 2006  Report this post
Hi Rovey,

Really enjoyed reading this. Think it's pretty damn good. I like long poems, they really have an edge, and your style is very readable from start-to-finish.

Best,
S.M.


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