|
|
 |
Only A Fool
Posted: 01 March 2006
Word Count: 102
|
Font Size
|
|
Only a fool will burn his hand,
and stick it back into the fire again.
Only a fool would suffer such pain
without learning, never to do it again.
But, is it a fool who surrenders his heart
to someone who loves him, though so far apart?
No... only a fool would pass up the chance
to love and be loved, an undying romance.
So, call me a fool, if thats what you see.
Call me a fool, to you I may be.
I did try for love, and yes it did end.
But, just for the chance...I would do it again.
|
Comments by other Members
| |
 Beanie Baby at 21:06 on 08 March 2006
 Report this post
|
Hello Tom. Glad to see you managed to get your poem displayed.
You say in your profile that you are quite a romantic and this poem really illustrates that. It seems to be written from the heart and it certainly tugged at mine. The sentiments are all the more refreshing because they are fom a masculine viewpoint - and that is quite unusual in itself.
The only thing I would suggest is that you try to re-structure the first four lines because they do not flow as well as the rest of the poem. Using the word 'again' to rhyme in one instance with 'hand' and the next with 'pain' doesn't quite gel it for me. If you read it aloud, you'll see what I mean. But if you dore-structure it, make sure you don't lose any of the emotions illustrated there because those naked, raw feelings are what give this poem its heartbeat.
Hope you enjoy your free membership. Let me know if there's anything else I can do.
Best wishes.
Beanie.
| |
 Onlywords at 01:52 on 09 March 2006
Report this post
|
Yes, your advice did solve my problem, and I thank you.
I thought about your advice on the first 4 lines. The first 2 I felt should remain, as the "again" would tie the the beginning together with the last line. I did change the wording a little, to try and make it flow smoother. Try This.
Only a fool will burn his hand
and place it into the fire again.
The second 2 I agree with you. Too many "agains" and pronounced differently to make the rhyme. Try this.
Only a fool would suffer such pain
without learning to stay away from the flame.
With the trial, I can't edit the poem yet, but, if all continues well, I will be joining. I love it here.
Thank you very much. Tom
| |
Beanie Baby at 07:34 on 09 March 2006
Report this post
|
Hi Tom.
Yes, I think these lines work much better and fall into the rhytmn of the rest of the poem. Glad I was able to help.
Best wishes,
Beanie
| |
Neezes at 20:47 on 22 November 2010
Report this post
|
Cute poem, the rhymes need thought through and perhaps you want to decide if you want a regular rhyming structure, should you go for one of the standard forms like sonnet or triolet.
The fourth line didn't work for me but overall I thought it was a very strong poem.
Jonathan
| |
| |
Comments by other Members
