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In the sun
Posted: 01 March 2006
Word Count: 106
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She's laughing in the sun
she did it laughing, laughing in the sun
He's stepping out onto hot concrete
from his house where it sits placid in the suburbs
There's nothing on his feet
now he's laughing in the sun
She's dancing little steps to no music
but there's a tune in her head
and she's laughing as she picks up a note
someone dropped. A shopping list
that reads like a sonnet
reads like it's for her
He couldn't count the times they called him dumb
couldn't count his fingers
now he's counting birds on the wire up above
and he's laughing in the sun
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Comments by other Members
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 Nell at 15:58 on 01 March 2006
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Xenny,
This is charming, beautiful. Again we see your very tender touch, the deceptive simplicity of your language. The people you write about - it's almost as if they live in a half-fairy world of their own - you take us out of mundanity and offer us a glimpse of innocence (it was there, even in the 'breathing' poem). This poem is like a painting by Chagall - I love it.
Nell.
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 joanie at 18:03 on 01 March 2006
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Hi Xenny. I think the repetition really works here; it enhances the almost child-like quality.
I like the move from music, through tune to note, even though the reader realises that it's not a musical reference any more.
I enjoyed it.
joanie
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 Jekyll&Hyde at 19:46 on 01 March 2006
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Hi Xenny,
laughing in the sun - becomes quite profound by the end of the poem. It's use is highly effective.
A very enjoyable poem, that I went back and read again.
Got to ask though, why's it untitled?
S.M.
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DJC at 19:49 on 01 March 2006
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Hey Xenny!
Yes, I like this very much. You definitely have your own voice, and it really comes across in this poem. It has a lilting quality all its own, and the repetition works well.
Darren
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 Elsie at 21:03 on 01 March 2006
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Oh - how weird - I've just posted my first/ last line exercise - without reading the others - and mines about laughing too! This is lovely, seems to be about someone who's life has finally come around right. The line about the hot concrete so instantly evocative, but I'm not entirely sure what going on - in a good way.
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Xenny at 01:36 on 02 March 2006
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Joanie, S.M., Darren, and Elsie - thankyou for those kind comments.
S.M.,
I think for a couple of reasons. The only title which seems to fit is 'In the sun'. But I worried titling it that would take the repetition just a bit too far. I'll probably end up doing it anyway though.
The other reason is that I never used to give my poems titles (well occasionally one made itself obvious), but on here I've been trying to. I've been worrying recently that my newer poems are sometimes lacking something that my old ones had (though I think they are 'better'), and somehow that idea has become linked in my head with them having titles! (I know that's a bit silly). With this one I felt the thing I worried I was losing had come back a bit (though I don't feel it to be a particularly amazing poem (I do really like it though)), and so maybe that's why I felt bad about forcing a title on it.
Sorry - I know you didn't ask for that long-winded explanation! It's just been on my mind.
Elsie - that's weird yes! I didn't write mine for that exercise but then I realised it almost fit.
Xenny
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Okkervil at 09:22 on 03 March 2006
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This is so enjoyable, I'm quite taken aback! The skipping repetition, the deceptively simple phrasing still packed with imagery, it's just gorgeous. One of my favourite pieces I've come across this year, and the other I was similiarly struck by was Armitage's 'Columba.' Thanks for sharing this!
James
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Mac AM at 14:48 on 03 March 2006
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Hello Xenny,
Sorry to come so late to your poem. You really have captured something here.
I really like as she picks up a note because when I first read it, thought it was a reference to a musical note, so the line break is very satifying.
How well you ahve worked the repeat line so it doesn't feel at all forced or awkward.
Mac
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Xenny at 23:14 on 03 March 2006
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James - Thankyou. I'm a bit stunned. But very happy that someone liked it so much. I worry with more abstract poems that they don't mean much to other people, and I think I've gradually been tending towards explaining more in my poetry. So I'm really reassured to have had such a good response to this.
Thankyou Mac - I was kind of pleased with the note bit too! - it must have been subconscious as I only realised it on reading it back to myself.
<Added>
p.s. Not late at all really Mac - I've only had it up a short while.
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