Monsoon
Posted: 26 February 2006
Word Count: 72
|
Font Size
|
|
Gently at first then a deluge
As clouds emptied greyness
On the heads of unsuspecting folk
Leaving murky puddles;
Riots of colour, freshness, new life.
Summer’s monsoon warmth
Evaporates all moisture;
Pools, lakes disappear.
*(a)Disappointing promises displayed;
Only past impressions left.
Earth’s crust cracked like dried-out skin.
Fossilised etchings.
* (b)Natures unending renewal.
*Amended - now reads
(a)Life's disappointingly short
(b)witness nature's silent stirrings.
I wonder if this reads a little better?
|
Comments by other Members
| |
 James Graham at 17:00 on 26 February 2006
 Report this post
|
Welcome to the group! I snooped around your poems in the archive and can see how adventurous you've been, trying different kinds of subject - e.g. your poem about the travels of the child who was losing his sight (the birds there are especially vivid), and your straight-talking protest poem about the police and the justice system. You've also tried different forms. 'Monsoon' is a tidy descriptive poem in free verse - where did it come from? Is it from personal experience, or another source?
Two lines I'm a little unsure about. 'Disappointing promises displayed' - I take it you mean the promise that the rain will bring new growth, a promise that seems to be broken because everything dries up again so soon. I'm trying to work out what it is about this line that doesn't seem right. Maybe it should be 'broken' or 'unfulfilled' promises instead of 'disappointing'. Maybe the idea of a broken promise should be more integrated into the description, e.g. 'Summer's monsoon warmth/Evaporates all moisture,/Breaking the promise of the rain'.
The other line is 'Nature's unending renewal'. This seems a bit obvious as a last line - the poem leads up to it but when we come to it we feel it's something of an anti-climax, because nature's renewal is quite a commonplace idea. What's good is where the poem shows the rain at least temporarily renewing life - but to say it so plainly in the last line leaves the poem a bit flat. It would be great to end the poem on another observation instead, something that allows us to picture the effect of the drying-out, say dust or a wilting plant.
I hope you don't think that joining Group 1 is like walking into a lions' den! I've sort of 'pounced' on this poem, but I do think it could be made to work better.
James.
|
|
| |
 Felmagre at 18:12 on 26 February 2006
Report this post
|
Hello James,
No, really I truly value good constructive feedback, that is why I value writing group membership, though I have to say I am sometimes rather pressed for time. However, once my research and subsequent thesis is finalized more time to write will a priority.
The lines you mention are insightful, I was struggling with them in terms of whether they conveyed what I was endeavouring to say, but have to agree they do not work too well, and are rather obviouse. Accordingly, I shall give them some thought and work on it over the next day or so.
Your question about the inspiration for the poem was something I read in the National Geographic magazine, how all of a sudden when monsoon rains came, the whole desrst came to life. Places which appeared dead were filled with colour.Animals and birds simply appeared, then as suddenly it all disappeared as the warmth evaporated the water leaving nothing but indententations, muddy hard crusted rings showing where the water once was. Promises disappointed, broken etc.
May I just say thank you for taking the time to give such insight and the time you spent in 'peeking' your feedback is both encouraging and appreciated.
Thank you.
| |
Felmagre at 06:13 on 27 February 2006
Report this post
|
Good Morning Joanie,
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. You are correct about the Capitals, I'm afraid the original had less, only after the full stops, but then Word appears to ignore ones preferances and I omitted to change it before posting. Regarding other aspects of the punctuation, I'll have another look. Must admit when omitted the poem 'ran' into each other and seemed less affective, but then that may simply be my perspective.
I checked on the link, and can see the comparison. Weather is a very 'British' subject don't you think.
Thanks again.
Felicity
James: are you sure I'm not being given credit for something I did not write | your poem about the travels of the child who was losing his sight the birds there are especially vivid |
|
as I have no memory of this one. Brain storm and I've forgotten or else another's work. Either way I'd be interested to know the title.
Regards
Felicity
| |
James Graham at 19:25 on 27 February 2006
Report this post
|
'Nostalgia'? Maybe I haven't summarised it very well, but your name's on it!
Just noticed your changes to those two lines. I don't really see how a line about life being short adds anything, but maybe I'm missing something. I think if you could just work in the idea of the rain followed by dry heat being like a broken promise, that would do it. And I still think something visual, a word picture of the effects of sudden drying, would be more effective at the end. Even simply ending with the picture of cracked earth. It would leave the reader to draw his/her own conclusions about Nature and what aspect of it your poem illustrates. Your visual glimpses of the monsoon and its effects can be trusted to speak for themselves.
By the way, isn't that an irritating feature of Word - putting a capital at every new line of a poem whether you want it or not? I went back to using Word Pad for poems.
James.
|
|
| |
Felmagre at 07:29 on 28 February 2006
Report this post
|
Not at all your summarization was not at fault as upon re-reading it I can see the impression , just created it was just I had not remebered nor indeed seen it from quite that angle. Thank you
Re: Monsoon, I think I may be to insistent on telling how the promise of the intense flush of colour is only short lived, this is where the problem arises. I will need to step back a little and 'prune'
Thank you again. This time I shalllet it settle before revamping.
Your comments, time and patience are appreciated.
KInd regards
Felicity.
<Added>
Oh dear, please forgive mis-types.
| |
Tina at 10:17 on 05 March 2006
Report this post
|
Hi Felicity and welcome to group 1 -
I too have read some of your poems from the archive and am wondering if you were in another group as I moved here from poetry 3??
As Jonie says - James has 'pounced' to use his word on your work and said all the most salient points - so I will just wait for the next one!
Very much enjoyed reading this
Thanks
Tina
| |
Felmagre at 15:24 on 05 March 2006
Report this post
|
Hello Tina,
Yes I was in another group. Kick out in that the 3 month time factor caught me. Too much Day-Job and Uni work. Still, I've been allowed to join another group so will endeavour not to get 'kicked out' again.
Thank you for taking the time to read previous work and for the encouragment.
Regards
Felicity
| |
engldolph at 19:33 on 09 March 2006
Report this post
|
Hi F,
As I'm on my way to Tanzania..rainy season.. I'm sure this is a good preparation...catches well the strange occurrance of rain and puddles then all evaporates...
as a natural description, I think it really works..but agree with Jame's comments...
but also thinking it needs some edge..to make it more than description..
enjoyed
Mike
| |
Felmagre at 14:16 on 10 March 2006
Report this post
|
Hello Mike
Well, thank you it is interesting to know that the reality of has been captured.
Have to say that I've not had time to finish the corrections so when I do the 'bite' thing will be considered. Sometimes I find the reality of life a little harsh and endeavour, just sometimes, to cushion it. Ah well!
Have a good trip.
Regards
Felicity
| |
 Mr B. at 19:34 on 29 May 2006
Report this post
|
I liked the descriptive quality of the piece and think your amendments are an improvement.
Nice one!
A
| |
Felmagre at 06:52 on 01 June 2006
Report this post
|
Thank you Mr B
Strangley I have been 'tied-up' of late and non-productive so when I 'popped' in for a moment to look at the groups I noticed your comments.
Thank you for taking the time and trouble;apprecaited.
Felicity.
| |
| |
Comments by other Members
