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I pass by your room and it`s empty
Posted: 24 February 2006
Word Count: 254
Summary: The second in two poems about the fathers rights issue - my MA tutor said this had too many words and that it was too clear for poetry ...any thoughts on that?
Related Works: you were the one who had the affair... •
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The train arrives and takes me away from you again
A window in my week closes.
The house will be big without you
The mess cleared away
makes it modern again
Minimal
An adult space
Everything with a place
and everything in it.
I'll miss your energy
Your wild abandon
Your reckless noise
Even your temper tantrums
I'll miss my life being filled by you
since I changed it so much to incorporate you
Now you've gone away there's an empty space
that used to be filled by you.
On the walk back home from the station
I go to cross London Road
and splay my arms for you to hold
I look down
and around
but you're gone
For a half second I think I've lost you
Then I shake my head
and laugh
and move on
I pass by your room and it's empty
Your toys sat dulled in corners
Their colours switched off in the darkness
Though one LED still glows
I turn off the bright yellow keyboard
Half relieved I won't need to hear
that annoying grating happy tune
my son seems to hold so dear
but I'll play it one last time
and imagine he's still here
To lose them
forever?
I'd never cope
And now F4J is over
is there really any hope
for the hundreds of thousands of fathers
who regard me as the lucky one?
The lucky one
I'm the lucky one
Because I have the chance to say goodbye
every week
before you are gone
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Comments by other Members
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 radavies1uk at 15:35 on 24 February 2006
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Hey Steve
I can see what your tutor says about it being too direct, but I don't think it's the directness that's off. I think it's a bit more practical.
I mean, I can see what you're trying to say is important, and I can empathise with the writer from the facts in the poem, however, I can't seem to empathise with the character.
I think you might benefit from trying to get in touch with the bit of yourself that actually feels the pain/loss the character feels. I think that would help you pour the character on the page without it coming across as direct.
Just my opinion though :) Please send mail if you disagree or want to talk it over. :)
Otherwise It's well written and flows well and I love the extra detail with the keyboard LED and the tune. I can almost hear the tune when I read it :)
Thanks
Bob
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Jessyblue at 16:28 on 26 February 2006
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Hi again Steve ~
I believe in letting poetry flow from the mind on to the page in as many or few words as the poet needs to get their feelings across ~ so I don't agree with your Tutor here ~ but I'm certainly no expert ~ just a poet expressing her personal opinion based on her own experiences.
I really liked the first three verses of your poem but I lost my way a little in the last two. I think it was the switch between 'you' and 'your' to 'my son' and 'them': Somehow it became less personal and I suddenly felt distanced by it.
I may have completely missed the point here ~ I'm not very good at this yet!
I liked it Steve ~
Jessyblue
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steve_laycock at 21:27 on 26 February 2006
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Thanks Jessy
It's really hard commenting! I know you're new too, I really like just hearing what you think though. Writing can feel lonely at times, so it's just nice to know what the people who are listening are actually hearing.
I think you're right about the you, your, my son, them thing. It's written about leaving my two children at the station so the first 'you' is a plural, but this isn't clear so it reads badly from there. I might change the first line to:
| The train arrives and takes me away from you both |
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but this kinda blows the idea that we're supposed to think it's a more traditional single person 'love' poem.
Not sure
point taken!
thanks loads
steve
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Jumbo at 09:19 on 27 February 2006
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steve
This from someone who knows little about poetry...
This worked for me - I really felt the pain of the character - especially the recollections brought on by the contecnts of the room - loved the 'LED' touch!
Only one part I really stumbled on
I’ll miss my life being filled by you
since I changed so much to incorporate you
Now you’ve gone away there’s an empty space
that used to be filled by you. |
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SDomehow I fund the repeated you at the end of the lines detracted from the flow and smoothness of the poem. I'm not sure that I can suggest a way round this - but it was the one point in the piece where I stumbled as I read.
Nice writing. And a great sentiment.
Hope this helps in some way
jumbo
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NinaLara at 20:42 on 29 March 2006
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Have you just got here Steve, or am I just very slow on the uptake?
Like the others, i'm a bit confused by what your tutor meant and a little dismayed that they didn't say anything more constructive. I feel this is an important subject and that the poem is well worth working on.
I think that if you minimised the use of 'you' and 'your' the structure of the poem would have to shift a little - and that this would improve it. I feel the last verse could do with an overhaul - it is a bit like a call to arms, which does not sit easily with the rest of the poem (just my humble opinion, of course!).
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steve_laycock at 08:16 on 30 March 2006
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Thanks Nina,
The other comments were from random people when i first joined the site. But it's kind of a good example of what i do, and it's a poem i really want to get right, so i thought i'd run it past you guys.
The more distance i get on writing it, the more important i think the 'you', 'your' issue is. I'll def try to do something with it. The last verse ... i'm also uncomfortable with it - like it's tacked on. I suppose it is. I might lose it.
thanks
steve
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 James Graham at 17:48 on 31 March 2006
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Hi Steve - I'm so late getting to this, it's gone into the archive! I'm sure this poem could be shortened but wonder if it's always necessary to slash a poem down to its 'essentials'. As it is, it's a very genuine expression of loss and of the experience of missing someone. It has a ring of truth. I didn't mind reading all of it.
Possibly the second stanza could go, as most of it contains fairly commonplace things such as a child's noise and tantrums, and 'Now you've gone away there's an empty space' which is a thought expressed elsewhere in the poem anyway.
There are other redundant lines and repetitions here and there, e.g. 'and imagine he's still here' - that could be taken as understood and the stanza could end at the previous line. There's 'filled by you' which has already been pointed out. And maybe one repetition of 'lucky one' would do. With any longer poem you can always try making a short version. Try to leave out anything repetitive, any ideas that have already been well enough expressed, anything that doesn't seem to add much to what has already been said; and leave out thoughts that readers could be expected to think for themselves - i.e. deduce from the context of the poem. Having made a short version, if you're not happy with it forget it - but sometimes it will seem more focused.
James.
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James Graham at 19:08 on 31 March 2006
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I've just read your post in the forum, where you say most of your work is performance poetry. This 'problem' of a poem having 'too many words' takes on a different aspect if it's performance poetry, which can repeat ideas, or repeat them with variations, in ways that printed poetry can't get away with. If this is a performance poem, it's fine.
James.
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steve_laycock at 20:40 on 04 April 2006
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Thanks for looking James,
The repetition point is interesting and answers a lot of my questions about what works for performance and what works when written. I'm trying to find somewhere i feel at home at the moment.
thanks for taking the time though
steve
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