Flash Fiction #86: Greener
Posted: 23 February 2006
Word Count: 232
Summary: This weeks prompt is 'grass'. No adjectives, articles or even capital letters - just 'grass'. Make of it what you will; interpret it as you wish; and add your own ornamentation as you see fit. Just provide no more than 299 words by midnight next Saturday the 25th.
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Well, he didn't see it coming, 'ow the bloody hell was I expected to? The last place I really thought I'd see 'im was 'ere, but then 'e always did like surprising me. 'Is mam was the worst for it, though, she'd watch me coming up the garden path and swing the back door open at the last minute, just as I was about to knock.
I spent more time round 'is place as a kid than me own; well, me mam was a flippin' alcoholic, on 'er own, and 'is family was huge. Two sisters, three brothers, and a cousin who lived with 'em, too. I used to love it. 'Course, 'is father was long gone, just like mine, but for some reason it didn't seem to make no difference there. There was more...I dunno 'ow to describe it...just more love in the 'ouse. Aw, that sounds naff. But you know what I mean, if you knew 'im.
I know we're all going to miss 'im. I know Louise is going to miss 'im more than the rest of us. God bless you, Lou. 'E's looking down on you right now, wantin' you to be 'appy with the time you've got left.
Like all of us. 'E's getting a place ready for us all now. And soon enough, we're going to want to be where 'e is - just like always.
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Comments by other Members
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 crowspark at 21:38 on 23 February 2006
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Cai, an interesting piece and I really liked the dialogue and the way you dropped life details in her circuitous speech patterns.
| There was more...I dunno 'ow to describe it...just more love in the 'ouse. Aw, that sounds's naff. But you know what I mean, if you knew 'im. |
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You have worked quite a lot of the emotional hinterland into your writing and the details.
I was a little puzzled by the title. The grass is always greener on the other side - death?
Great flash.
Bill
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 Cailleachna at 23:15 on 23 February 2006
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Thank you, Bill. I wasn't sure how well this was going to work, so I'm pleased it's sparked your interest.
As for the "grass is greener" idea - yes, I was referring to death. The image in my head was of an elderly community of friends who had lost one of their own and were now looking forward to joining him.
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choille at 23:36 on 23 February 2006
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Hi there,
Liked the dialogue and the little revelations as to why the MC prefers the Loius husband's families home to his own when a child.
Thought the dialogue was realistic, but needed the explanation in the comments to realise that time has passed by and they are all elderly now.
And esp liked the MC seeking to describe why he prefered their house to his own.
An enjoyable read.
All the best
Caroline.
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darrenm at 08:50 on 24 February 2006
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Hi Cai,
I enjoyed this too, liked the image of the alcoholic mother on her own, contrasting with the larger, happier family the mc spent time with.
The dialogue is very realistic besides one thing (only my opinion of course) and that is the mc wouldn't use 'mother' and 'father' but mum(mam) and dad, or even 'ma' and 'da', depending on where it's set.
The last line is perfect, the type of words that dominate the conversation of the elderly!
Darren.
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Cailleachna at 09:42 on 24 February 2006
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That's a fine point, Darren, regarding the choice of words for mother and father. If I rewrite (which admittedly I don't tend to do with flashes) I may amend that. Thank you.
And thanks for your perspective as well, Caroline. Since that's the hook of the piece, it's a shame it didn't wholly come across. Glad you liked it, though!
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 Prospero at 12:48 on 24 February 2006
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Hi Sharon
Couple of points, if this is going to Quiction Online as Bill intends it needs to be exactly 299 words.
| I spent more time round 'is place as a kid than me own; well, my mother was a flippin' alcoholic, |
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I think the 'my' here need to be 'me', as in | more time round 'is place as a kid than me own |
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Lovely piece though, very nicely drawn
Best
John
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Cailleachna at 14:44 on 24 February 2006
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Ah, sorry. The challenge said no more than 299 words, I didn't realise it had to be exactly that.
Again, thank you for picking up the continuity errors for me! I think I will re-edit this at a later date; I like it enough to try and make it perfect.
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Dreamer at 19:47 on 24 February 2006
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Ahem...
Not to disagree with the esteemed Captain but...
Quictiononline has as its limit and it is John, not Bill that set this challenge with the limit to keep the pieces eligible for Quiction...
Now Prosp, put that glue bottle down.
Brian.
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Prospero at 04:31 on 25 February 2006
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Oh Calamity! Drat! I put my size 19s in it again, eh?
Well just goes to show you shouldn't listen to a word I say.
Best
John
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lieslj at 06:29 on 25 February 2006
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Hi Caille,
I find the dialect writing quite distracting and wonder if you would truly lose the flavour of this piece is you stayed with conventional spellings, relying on the turn of phrase to convey class/station/location of your character.
Just a thought,
Liesl
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Cailleachna at 11:38 on 25 February 2006
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An interesting thought, Liesl. This piece was originally intended to be an experimental piece of phonetic writing, though, so the dialect spelling was the whole point. I don't think that turn of phrase alone would really communicate it properly - for instance:
There was more...I dunno 'ow to describe it...just more love in the 'ouse. Aw, that sounds naff.
compared with:
There was more...I don't know how to describe it...just more love in the house. Oh, that sounds naff.
The second version certainly communicates the content, but do you really get a solid image of the person speaking? Apart from establishing that the character is the kind of person who would use the word "naff", it doesn't tell you much, in my opinion.
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Anj at 22:05 on 25 February 2006
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Caille,
There was always a house like that, which seemed more filled with love than our own.
| And soon enough, we're going to want to be where 'e is - just like always. |
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Fabulous line, says so much about him.
Great flash
Andrea
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Jumbo at 03:34 on 26 February 2006
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Hi
I enjoyed this. I had no problem with the dialect (sorry, Liesl) but I have to say if it had been a longer piece then I do agree that it would soon become a distraction.
But I did have a slight problem with your two opening sentences. What didn't he see coming? Death? or maybe the bus that hit him? The rest of the piece was so direct - so 'in your face' if you like, that I found myself going back to the start and asking myself what it was that we didn't know.
| ...just more love in the 'ouse. |
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Great line - and says so much about this character's background.
Nice writing.
jumbo
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 Dee at 09:35 on 26 February 2006
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Caille, I like the reminiscence in this piece, but I'm inclined to agree with Liesl. I find the dropped h quite distracting. I think you could convey the dialect with just the odd word here and there; using ma and da, for instance as has already been suggested. And in the sentence Liesl highlighted, you could keep ‘dunno’ and ‘Aw’ to convey the flavour.
I dunno how to describe it...just more love in the house. Aw, that sounds naff
I stumbled over the name Louise, as it’s the only name in the piece, and I didn’t know who she was. If you replaced it with ‘his wife’ or ‘his old lass’, for instance, it would reinforce the impression that time has moved on.
Hope this helps,
Dee
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Cailleachna at 11:48 on 26 February 2006
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Thanks, Dee. Yes, that helps a great deal, and I think I understand more what Liesl was trying to say now. As I've said above, I may revisit this style later on, taking all your observations into account.
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DerekH at 15:45 on 12 March 2006
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Hi Cai, just looked through this at your experiment with the dialogue. It's something I often wonder about...how far to go with dialects...
I'm not sure how far is good but I think an important thing if you go towards using full phonetic dialogue is consistency. e.g. you've sometimes used 'me' for my, but then straight away used 'my' ... "I spent more time round 'is place as a kid than me own; well, my mother was a flippin' alcoholic"... And also the h might be dropped out of Bloody hell, and the g from 'coming' in "Well, he didn't see it coming, 'ow the bloody hell was I expected to?". I think it's very hard to get right, writing this way, but some characters do need at least a touch of it don't they.
Great flash and an interesting experiment,
Derek.
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