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Why You Sorry?

by hailfabio 

Posted: 23 February 2006
Word Count: 55
Summary: Something in the way I move.


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Through this focus,
a sort of
hocus-pocus,
I have to conjure up.

Why do I go out?
People just patronise, sympathise
and materialise with,
'I pity you' eyes.

Please don't cry
through that stare
of yours,
stencilling my contours.

False tears are
liquid-wrapped lies
falling on numb ground.
It's my truths that should be falling.






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Comments by other Members



R-Poet at 16:26 on 23 February 2006  Report this post
"liquid-wrapped lies" ... lovely wording!

(Couple of mis-spellings: pitty = pity; contores = contours.)

Steve

joanie at 17:00 on 23 February 2006  Report this post
Hi Stephen. I really like the internal and end rhymes in this. I'll add another typo - conjures.

I like the idea of 'stencilling' your contours - a brilliant image - and I agree with Steve about the 'liquid-wrapped lies'.

It's a shame that this doesn't seeem to have a positive note - I want to shout that surely it can't be everybody!!

joanie

Felmagre at 10:03 on 24 February 2006  Report this post
May I ask what the source of inspiration was for this as it seems so 'bleak' as though an experience which has been lived out in reality.

Tina at 07:11 on 25 February 2006  Report this post
Hi Steven do I detect a Beatles image in the summary
- something in the way 'she' moves attracts me like no other lover

or am I way off beam?

Like others I liked many images here and particularly the last two verses which have a very smooth feel and some great ideas.

I think, for me, I would like a bit more at the beginning to 'bulk out' the reasons for the feeling in the last two verses - or am I just being thick?

Thanks anyway
Really enjoyed your work
Tina


hailfabio at 09:10 on 25 February 2006  Report this post
Thanks very much for feedback on this.

It's a common thing for these kind of reactions to a young person in a wheelchair and even more to a group of wheelchairs when out and about. I think society is society is supposed to be embracing diversity but I can't see it. Most people just go back to their comfortable sterotypes.

It happens more and more, for example - my friends are always taken for carers 'you're doing a great job'. Automatically think I live in a home. Ask 'what's it like', as if they need to understand.

I might put another verse in to give it more depth and some more positivity.

Cheers
Stephen

James Graham at 14:20 on 25 February 2006  Report this post
Hi Steve

Everyone has noticed the strong images you have here, and I would add conciseness of expression to the poem's qualities. I thought at first you had over-used rhyme, but I see the point of it - for example, in

Why do I go out?
People just patronise, sympathise
and materialise with,
I pity you eyes.


the rhymes effectively convey the tedious repetition of these same misguided attitudes. The last line is the same but different, a kind of pun on the '-ise' words.

Wouldn't it be slightly better to change the punctuation in these lines to

...materialise with
'I pity you' eyes


or 'I-pity-you eyes'?

And why the archaic 'Tis my truths'? Why not just 'It's'?

And maybe a less abstract title? - something about meetings, passing the time of day, or an ironic use of a greeting that people would give 'normally'. 'Hi, how're you doing?' - not that, but along those lines.

James.

shinykate at 21:48 on 26 February 2006  Report this post
Stephen,

Can I make a really picky point, about your use of the word 'deaf' in the final stanza.

If you are writing about people's reaction to disability (as I sometimes do myself) my own feeling is you need to be really careful about using cliched disability metaphors. Here, using 'deaf' meaning 'ignorant' or 'uncaring' (or something close to those things) seems to undermine the point you are making.

Unless you were being ironic and I've failed to notice because I've had a long weekend.

K

hailfabio at 11:21 on 28 February 2006  Report this post
Cheers James, good points.

And yes I guess we're all a bit niave or hypocritical at times. By using the word 'deaf' I meant that I was deaf to people's ill-placed sympathy/sorror, but I have a much more suitable word now, so thankyou.

Stephen


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