Local - Act 1, Scene 1 by radavies1uk

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Local - Act 1, Scene 1

by radavies1uk

Posted: 21 February 2006
Word Count: 1001
Summary: A couple of mates, sitting around.

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Content Warning
This piece and/or subsequent comments may contain strong language.

Act1 - Scene1

Opens on a wide view of a rolling field. The grass is green, a small stream gently babbles in the corner. The trees in the background are slowly swaying with the light breeze. It's not a particularly nice day, nor is it raining or gusty. It is a perfectly average day... in a perfectly average field.

The camera focusses and 'swoops'. A guy is sat on the grass at the top of the hill, with his back to a hedgerow. He appears contemplative, slowly surveying the rest of the field around him. He has a look of contentment, as though this is where he likes to be. In his own mind he controls this place.

Next to him on the ground is a white plastic bag, the contents are not apparent.

(Voice From Behind Hedgerow) - Dude, this smells funny.

Ste looks around towards the noise. He smiles a little smile to himself.

Ste - Stop smelling your piss u sicko. (Laughs)

John walks from around the hedge while zipping his fly. He spits vaguely at where he just pissed.

Ste - You're a right pig sometimes. (Smiles)

John - It's a skill (Smiles and moves his head as though he were winking)

Both guys laugh as Ste looks into the plastic bag as John makes his way to where Ste is sat.

Ste - Here, have another can. I'll skin up.

Ste passes John a can of cheap lager/cider. Then reaches into his inside coat pocket and swiftly retrieves a somewhat bloated tobacco pouch.

John - It's proper quiet out here today. You bring your BB with you?

Ste opens his pouch and extracts rolling papers and starts to roll as John pops open his can with the refreshing noise making itself obvious in the short silence.

Ste - Nah, couldn't be arsed. (Pause to stick 2 rolling papers together) Besides, i need to get more pellets.

John - You ran out already? Didn't you get like 200 th'other day in town?

Ste - Yeah, but i got a bit carried away yesterday, next doors dog wouldn't shut up so I messed with it for a bit.

Both guys laugh a little laugh.

John - You hurt it ?

Ste - Nah, just kept shooting their shed. Dumbass dog was freaking out. Proper funny like.

Both guys laugh a little more.

Ste - Will probly get them knocking later...

John - Yeah, (In old woman voice) Ste, were you shooting my little benjy yesterday. He was really upset.

Both guys laugh again

Ste - That woman has no sense of humour. If the friggin thing wasn't so damn annoying with it's "yap yap yap"pin i wouldn't piss about so much. It's not like I ever actually shot the thing.

John - Except for when...

Ste - (Small Laugh) Yeah, almost forgot about that. I was pissed it doesn't count.

Both guys laugh a little.

Ste - Open up a can for us, (Pause to lick rolling papers with tobacco and weed in) this jay is shit. Gotta get a decent roach in or it's gonna smoke like shit.

Ste then tears a part of card from his rolling papers box and focusses on fitting it into the joint. John reaches into the bag and pulls a can. Again the opening of the can makes itself obvious in the short silence.

John - (Looks at side of can) I never noticed this stuff is like 9%.

Ste doesn't reply. John glances at the focussed look on Ste's face and laughs a little to himself.

John - Man u concentrate well too much on getting that shit perfect.

Ste - It's a skill. (Smiles and moves his head as though he were winking)

Both guys laugh then smile. John places the newly opened can on the ground next to Ste half hidden behind a few blades of grass.

Ste - Perfect. (Smiles) Managed to get that one right (Holds up the joint with the roach end pointing upwards, It's perfect)

John laughs a little as Ste takes a quick look at his handiwork and places the roach into his mouth.

Ste - Gotta love builder's rights (Smiles)

Ste then lights the end of the joint, takes a long toke and exhales with a satisfied sigh.

Ste - Not bad. Even if i do say so myself.

John - You're just weird.

Ste - (Laughs) Gotta have a hobby. (Smiles)

Ste reaches for his can as he takes another toke and turns slightly toward John.

John - (Smiles) So who's coming tonight? Josey out?

Ste - Dave and Tommy said they'll be out in a bit. Josey and Claire will probably come with them.

John - Little John aint coming is he?

Ste - Dunno. You still pissed off with him?

John - Nah, he just does my tits in.

Ste - He's sound but he's a bit fuckin mental. (Pause to toke joint) Needs to stop on them pills.

John - Innit. Dunno why people do that shit. Aint touching that after last time.

Ste - (Laughs) That's what you get for not watching your drink when he's around. (Laughs)

John - You know he had the cheek to ring me next day and ask for the money. (Laughs a little)

Ste - (Laughs) The cheek. (Smiles and takes a toke) Dave says he was just pissin about. Was a bit harsh though.

John - Aye. Was having a good laugh till Josey told me what he'd done. Then I proper tripped.

John glances at the joint. Ste notices this and realises he's smoked over half so takes one quick toke and passes it to John as he exhales.

John - Ta. (Takes a toke) Not bad. (Smiles and exhales)

Ste - Told ya. (Smiles)

Ste takes the can from the grass, takes a swig and leans back onto his elbows as John tokes and looks across the field.

Ste – So, We got owt interesting to do tonight?

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Comments by other Members

shellgrip at 09:15 on 23 February 2006 Report this post

Robert, thanks for putting this up!

As you may be aware, script writing has some very strict rules, the severity of which vary from medium to medium. The most difficult of these for the writer are those that appear to step on the creative toes.

In this case the first thing that jumps out at me is the repeated use of the directions

(Smiles) (Laughs)

The general rule about such stage directions is that they should only be included when such actions are not clear from the dialogue. If it's not clear that the character should smile or laugh at this or that point then it may indicate the dialogue isn't funny :) If the smile is false (like someone laughing at a boss' joke) then that should be indicated in the directions. I would extend this general rule to say that I would expect at least some of the directions you've included to be the remit of the actor or director. For example you've specified the moments at which the actors take a toke; from a directorial and acting point of view this is going to be almost impossible - it'll end up looking unnatural (and will simply be ignored). A more usual method of directing such actions (or any 'activity' during dialogue) is simply to include a direction at the start of the scene that says 'Jon smokes throughout the following scene' or whatever. Again, if there is an important particular thing that must happen at a certain point from a plot or dramatic point of view - and in this case I'd say the fact that John has to be 'reminded' to pass the joint on by a glance from Ste is a good one - then that is included at the time.

Generally speaking it's considered bad form to have stage directions within the body of dialogue - because they can be missed or read by mistake - but formatting is something that varies from medium to medium and is difficult to reproduce accurately on this forum anyway.

The only other 'rule' that you've broken is the camera direction right at the beginning. Camera movement is the realm of the director/cinematographer, not the script writer. You may describe the scene (as you've done) but NEVER precise camera actions or shots. Again, the general guide is that anything that isn't dialogue should only be included if it is relevant to the plot or character. You would not, for example, dictate the colour or style of a character's hair - unless it becomes a plot point or something about which that character is sensitive. I won't bang on about it because it's only once that this happens in this script!

Charcters: It was difficult to read this effectively without knowing something about the characters. Taking into account all that I've said about not saying this and not saying that, here you need to say more! I found myself shifting their ages around as I read - at some points they appeared to be teenagers, at others there's a reference to work and they seemed a little older. It might be that the dialogue doesn't suit one age or another but without knowing how you see them that's hard to judge. This'll just be a line or two - John is a young man in his early 20s. He is a builder.

Having said all that, the dialogue itself flows easily and is believable. Bear in mind what you have here amounts to probably no more than 2-3 minutes of screen time so knowing (and telling us!) the target length of the finished work will help in deciding if it's too long or OK.

I'd advise that you have a look around for formatting tips - again depending on your target medium - it's really very important for any script writing and in film work in particular can make the difference between being read and being immediately binned.

Keep it up, tell us what happens!

Jon

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radavies1uk at 12:47 on 23 February 2006 Report this post

Heya Jon

That's great feedback. I've not written any scripts before, I usually write normal stories including descriptions and such. This one just came to me one day and this seemed like the best way to present it (Just kinda wrote it as it appeared in my head then edited a bit). I'll take a look at some scripts around the group and on the web, and see what I can do about formatting, cutting excess etc.

I see what you mean about the character definition. I'll see what I can do with the here.

I'm continuing this to about 30 minutes or so I think, I have the next few scenes written, and a couple after that outlined. Will post them as I make progress.

Thanks very much for your advice.

Bob

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steve_laycock at 21:28 on 24 February 2006 Report this post

hey there bob,

i really enjoyed the piece, i thought it flowed really naturally and, unlike Jon, i do think it has got a strong sense of age - not neccessarily the physical age of the two characters, in years, but a certain mental age definitley came across. They're people with responsibilities that they don't always keep, they're sometimes men and sometimes boys - they're pretty regular, really; in a very good accessible way, though. I feel like i know them quite well. Defining character on TV, unlike the page, often comes through things like costume and, particulrly, the choice of actor and so needn't be spelt out too much in the script. We should get a sense of them through their dialogue, and I definitley get that.

I think my main query would be in the difference between TV and stage. The pace would work well on stage, and the Act I scene I thing made me think it was for stage, but the opening shot, as much as anything, made me think it was for film. I've just finished a degree with a film production element to it and we were always taught to think visually in film, telling the story with images as much as possible. You could look at this a little more.

I'm not sure about the length of it either, it's very dilogue heavy and I think if it were to keep a natural pace it could well be longer than the 2-3 mins Jon was suggesting. In this respect, as well, it's worth bearing in mind that you may be looking at a lenghy period at the beginning of the piece where just two characters are talking. Is this going to turn an audience off? Maybe visualise the dog shooting, then hop back to the hillside...?

I wouldn't normally be so hard - mainly because i did really enjoy it and think the dialogue is natural and flows really well - but, because 'you can take it!' the last thing i wondered was whether it could be tightened up a little. I'm often amazed at the efficiency of some top stage and screen writers, and really enjoy those who can display character, build plot and create atmosphere with a single line. A lot of Hollywood stuff does this particularly well, and it's becoming more and more expected.

Overall though, I think it's got a really good grasp of dialogue and they are two interesting characters, who i feel comfortable with and would be happy to spend a couple of hours with ... be great to see more as and when
I hope that's ok
I feel a bit wierd passing judgement so please let me know if i sound like a prat!
steve

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Lianne at 10:36 on 25 February 2006 Report this post

Hi Robert,

I'm curious to know what you're plans are for this piece. You say you are aiming for a 30 minute piece, but from this excerpt, there are few hints about what the story may be. At the moment, I think that it feels like a sketch, but as sketch that does a good job in conveying a sense of the characters and, as others have mentioned, the dialogue is naturalistic and flows well, and feels appropriate to the characters. I would caution against overly naturalistic dialogue though - sometimes all you'll get is two people sitting around talking about very ordinary things, which isn't a story. I think writing some exchanges of dialogue as you have done can be very useful as preparation for a script because it helps you establush the character's voices.

If you haven't already got too far into expanding upon this, I'd like to offer a suggestion for continuing. You have your characters now give them some sort of objective or goal and then thorw in some obstacles preventing them from achieving that goal. I hope that is not too directive, but it seems from your comments you are new to film/TV writing so it may help to get you started on finding the story in this piece.

Good luck with it!

L

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radavies1uk at 17:01 on 25 February 2006 Report this post

Hi Steve and Lianne

Thanks for the feedback. Yup, I'm pretty new to scripts, I have a few ideas for this, which I figure run to about 30 minutes, although it's based the situation the characters are in so if I can generate some interest I have plenty of other options I can build in as stories.

I guess in reference to prose fiction, I am still world-building with this piece. Defining my characters and their environment. You'll see more of this in scene 2, but then I want to dive in to one of the stories I have figured out (a bit of it anyway) for them. I'm going to weave in the story as part of what is said rather than showing the characters actually going and being the story, but I can then have it unfold, build tension, then get to an interesting finish that brings everything together. (That's the theory anyway :)

I think gearing it for TV is a little optimistic, maybe a stage script would be more realistic at this point. Although I don't know what my target is exactly. I'm gonna have to watch out that I don't write it so much for me that no-one else will be interested.

Thanks Muchly :)
Bob

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Jubbly at 08:52 on 27 February 2006 Report this post

Hi Bob,

This is an atmospheric piece that held my interest throughout. There is certainly a meandering quality both with the characters and I sense you as a writer. I agree with Steve, that at the moment is seems more like a work for the stage than film and I think you would benefit greatly from writing a synopsis up front. I know that it's great to work organically and oftimes your characters genuinely surprise you as they seem to be leading the writer and not the other way round, but I feel it helps to have some sense of direction. Of course you can deviate from your chose path but at least you're heading somewhere. I was confuse by the age of the lads, as in my experience the word 'proper' before verbs is a very young, prepubescent and teenage habit. I know because I'm constantly admonishing my eldest son for using it, but then they seemed older toward the end. I'd like to read it again if you get the chance to rework it, I honestly think more focus here will help you.

Hope I haven't put you off.

Cheers

Jubbly

Read the WriteWords interview with Julie B (Jubbly)

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radavies1uk at 13:38 on 27 February 2006 Report this post

Hi Jubbly

I think I'll work in a little more the character's ages/experiences or try and illustrate this better. Will put scene 2 up asap too.

Thanks Muchly.
Bob

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Account Closed at 07:42 on 06 May 2006 Report this post

Looks like you've got lots of good advice already so won't say too much. Once you've finished your story, you might want to go back and edit the dialogue, leaving in the parts which foreshadow what is to come (e.g. if they go on a Columbine-style shooting, you'd need to emphasis the dog-shooting but add a darker side to his character to give the viewers the feeling that this guy is capable of doing something evil.)

Will read on

Elspeth

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radavies1uk at 14:43 on 06 May 2006 Report this post

Heya El

I never thought about that, I see what you mean, thanks. I could do with cutting a couple of lines from scene 2 for that maybe.

Cheers
Bob

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