Hard - a ghazal
Posted: 09 February 2006
Word Count: 85
Summary: At last! Am I allowed to have the plural 'scales' as part of my rhyming 'thing' in the line with the radif? Nightmare = Poetry Seminar exercise!
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His back a soft expanse laid bare, invited nails;
She left a curlicue, a trail behind her nails.
Her gentle touch a tantalising promise held
for ever. Hands so frail have much more need of nails.
He lay, quite unsuspecting, wallowing in lust;
his imperfections Braille he yielded to her nails.
Beneath her velvet touches lurked a subtle snake
with undulating scales which writhed with lethal nails.
Too late, his natural defences failed to work.
His coffin lid a jail made permanent - her nails
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 Nell at 19:56 on 09 February 2006
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Joanie, this is a surprise, a dark side of your imagination we haven't seen before - it gave me goosebumps all down my back - I could almost feel those nails!
I like the way the poem opens gently and draws the reader in; the suspicion that this is not what it seems at first only comes with ...wallowing in lust... which is an unattractive image. The clever line ...his imperfections Braille he yielded to her nails... made me think of Jeffrey Archer and his allegedly acne-covered back (why oh why didn't the judge make him take his shirt off!!??). Ouch. Funny that, as the final couplet with its ref. to jail makes me think it MUST be Jeffrey Archer!!! (except that he's still alive).
It's interesting that you've overturned the 'light' expectation of the ghazal to create an unusual and thought-provoking response. Well done - this was a difficult form to follow exactly.
Nell.
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 DJC at 06:50 on 10 February 2006
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Joanie - I really like this - I'd agree with Nell in saying that it is quite a surprise to have something dark in this form, as its meditative quality lends itself better to lighter subjects. So you do something difficult really well here. I love 'Hands so frail have much more need of nails'. This says an awful lot. The only line I tripped over was 'his imperfections Braille he yielded to her nails'. In what way are his imperfections Braille? Is it because the lights are off? Ah, perhaps this is what it is. It takes me a while...
D.
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paul53 [for I am he] at 13:51 on 10 February 2006
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Joanie,
What I've always liked about your poetry is that you have somehow retained the ability to surprise your readers - even those who have come to know much of your work. This does it again, and I am sorely jealous: I cannot surmount the hurdle of repeating words without the end product being repetitious, though it seems most in this group can.
Well done.
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Xenny at 16:52 on 10 February 2006
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Hey Joanie
I liked it a lot. It works so well. I think a few times now you've used words I don't know (Lalique) or aren't commonly heard, but without them being difficult or halting the flow of the poem. It's very refeshing. Curlicue is such a great word and I really like it where you used it.
I tripped on the line with Braile in the first time I read it too, but as soon as I read the line properly I knew why Braile.
The penultimate line I wasn't 100% sure of, as the rhythm changes quite abrupty. This might be what you want - to pull the reader up with a bit, to fit with what you're saying. But I really loved the way it flowed up until that point so I found it a bit distracting.
Really really great though!
Xenny
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 joanie at 21:31 on 10 February 2006
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Nell, Darren, Paul, Xenny - thank you all. Yes, the braille is her fingers feeling all those awful spots and imperfections...
Xenny, I wasn't planning to make the penultimate line abrupt; I have to keep reading it, but it sounds OK to me, I think!
Sorry - I know the form should have been light, but I kept very strictly to the form otherwise. These things have a way of taking off on their own!
Thanks for reading and taking the time!
joanie
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Paul Isthmus at 17:14 on 13 February 2006
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Hi Joanie,
This poem has potential, but feels unfinished to me - the ending is far too abrupt. I had trouble ending the poem too, it's hard to make it feel complete on a repeated word! One way of getting through this I found is by having the line with the repeated word move onto the next line, so it's not such a stop/start rhythm. I think I remember something about how each stanza needs to stand on its own though - for me, the sound is more important than that rule.
His back a soft expanse laid bare, invited nails;
She left a curlicue, a trail behind her nails. |
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I like this, but perhaps your could do more with the rest of the second line after curlicue - it's just explaining the meaning of curlicue and doesn't really add to it.
Her gentle touch a tantalising promise held
for ever. Hands so frail have much more need of nails. |
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Is there a way you could get rid of the full stop after 'ever'? to help the flow again - and it brings the ideas of gentleness and frailty together, which change as she turns into a nail wielding murderer later in the poem! (at least I think that's what happens).
He lay, quite unsuspecting, wallowing in lust;
his imperfections Braille he yielded to her nails. |
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I really like the viscerality of the braille as the feeling of his back under her hands - maybe you could play with this a bit so that it's clearer - if you can slip her fingers feeling for them, reading the lust in the imperfections - tie it all together more.
Beneath her velvet touches lurked a subtle snake
with undulating scales which writhed with lethal nails. |
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There's something here - I thought the snake was in him, or his, but it's in her - there's an ambiguity which I like and I think you should keep it ambiguous - who is the killer - where does it lie? the scales/braille link is nice - is it the same thing underneath all of us meeting or being encourages through certain ways of relating, through touch? Who started it? Something to explore.
Too late, his natural defences failed to work.
His coffin lid a jail made permanent - her nails |
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again, this stanza feels like it's trying to tie everything up far too quickly. Perhaps if the rest of the poem moved more smoothly. What are his natural defences? I like the neatness of nails going to nails in the coffin lid though, that's good.
Hope at least some of that was useful!
Paul
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joanie at 23:04 on 13 February 2006
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Thanks very much indeed, Paul! This is very useful and has got me thinking - a lot! I'll review it when I get a chance.
joanie
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 nickb at 14:46 on 11 November 2009
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Woah Joanie, I think I met her once!! Scary, fascinating lady!
I love the sensuality of it. I don't know anything about ghazals so I can't comment technically, but it works for me.
I wonder if you could do one from his point of view and make them a pair?
N
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joanie at 23:31 on 11 November 2009
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Thanks for reading, Nick! It's been a few years since I wrote this - glad it still made sense.
A pair? Aarrggh!
joanie
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nickb at 22:09 on 12 November 2009
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Yeah, on second thoughts I know what you mean. Don't know what I was thinking of, aarrggh indeed.
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 V`yonne at 23:10 on 12 November 2009
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That repetition of nails is relentless and very scary Joan! Didn't know you had it in you! ;O
| his imperfections Braille |
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was perfect I thought - blinded by lust and her sensuality - perfect.
I'd leave it as it is.
<Added>
Good title too! :$
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 FelixBenson at 14:49 on 13 November 2009
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Oh I love how you have used the ridif here - and the complex rhyming in the middle of each couplet too - it does sound sinster and incantatory! Excellent!
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joanie at 15:04 on 14 November 2009
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Thanks, Oonah and Kirsty. I did it then - I'm not sure whether I can do it now!! I intend to try but I'm a bit snowed under with work at the moment.
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