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Violin Concerto
Posted: 08 February 2006
Word Count: 97
Summary: Let me know how you react to this.
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This is flight.
Soaring, plunging, spinning and turning.
Lighter, evaporate in air,
I cease to exist, I am light.
Rhythm elates me, spins me, holds me,
Makes me spit laughter in delight.
Breath quivers,
Held slave to the motion,
Soul crumples,
In thrall to this siren.
My heart and head are led tumbling
On a wheeling mystical ocean.
I cry. Shaking tears
Full of lovely, lonely tragic nights.
Life repeats back through distant time.
Each beat of time, a life of experience.
Moments of infinite. Infinite moments.
The beginning and ending of the fight.
This is light.
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Comments by other Members
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 olebut at 08:08 on 19 February 2006
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Harris I think the hardest thing with a poem with such intensity is to get the layout right and yes I know I bang on about it but I really believe that it is a little like getting the right mount for a photo or picture and by default enhancing an excellent image.
I think that you have writtne a very imotive and image full piece of poetry and the suggestions I make seem many and long but in reality are minor. I have this thing about reading poetry aloud many times to ensure you achieve maximum effect and that the punctuation is used to enhance the emotion and effect. Equally two people can of course read a poem totally differnetly andindeed I may revisit osme thing ages later and see soemthing different, thus my comments are there purley a smy comments and I reiterate that this is your creation and thus you must do what you think is right, relative to the effect and emotion you are trying to create and release.
Generally consider removing the capital letter at the start of each line unless preceded by a full stop or similar I think as I have said to beofre I think it spoils the flow of a poem.
Line 1 consider removing the full stop
Line 2 I would remove the word 'and'
Line 3 & 4 consider making the lines
Lighter,
evaporate in air,
I cease to exist,
I am light.
2nd stanza consider removing all of the commas
'
3rd stanza consider inserting a comma after the word 'held' ( it enhances the feeling of being held.)
5th stanza consider chnagingthe stop to a comma and adding a comma at the end of the first line and a comma after lonely in line 2
6th stanza I would chnage the stop to a comma line 1 ,line 2 xhange the stop to a comma and then break the following lines up
Moments of infinite,
infinite moments.
The beginning,
and ending,
of, the fight,
take care and I hope you ifnd some of my suggetsions worth thinking about
david
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chris2 at 17:38 on 21 February 2006
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Harris - It worked for me. As regards the punctuation, the only change I would make would be to delete the comma after 'each beat of time' (assuming that you mean each beat of time to seem like a lifetime of experience). I had a problem with 'evaporate' - perhaps 'evaporating' or 'I evaporate' might be better.
Chris
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chris2 at 17:39 on 21 February 2006
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Harris - It worked for me. As regards the punctuation, the only change I would make would be to delete the comma after 'each beat of time' (assuming that you mean each beat of time to seem like a lifetime of experience). I had a problem with 'evaporate' - perhaps 'evaporating' or 'I evaporate' might be better.
Chris
<Added>
Sorry, glitch in site delayed posting so 'submit' got pressed twice.
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