Houses of Glass (unseasonal)
Posted: 02 February 2006
Word Count: 124
Summary: I'm on a free trial which runs out soon so I'm going to post something I wrote before coming to the site - not part of any exercise - sorry! Unadventurous I know.
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Houses of glass by the railway line;
The sun that slides off the long lines
as you cross in the heat
you find amidst the grass
that gathers round your ankles
in the summer.
Plastic wrappers shining white
with the sun, see-through, or colours faded
with the train's approach, a sound
like air, a hot sea, rubble falling
in a distant city, come to buffet the breeze
with a sudden shock.
And when it passes and the blue haze
blows again, you can hear for the first time
in insects singing and buzzing around
the dry bricks, wooden fences and laundry.
And see above, in the house of glass
the woman come to look out
across the wasteland
to the towers of the city.
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Comments by other Members
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 Nell at 06:41 on 03 February 2006
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Hi PaulI,
Welcome to the Poetry Seminar. This looks interesting, but time's a little tight at the moment - be back to comment properly later.
Nell.
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 Xenny at 10:21 on 03 February 2006
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Hey, just noticed this - will get back to you this evening as need to leave 20 minutes ago!
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DJC at 10:36 on 03 February 2006
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Welcome from me too! I'm sure you'll find this group really helpful. Will you become a full member? I recommend it.
This shows a lot of promise. What I like most about it is its simplicity. You're not trying to be too fancy with words, which is often a trap we all fall into. I'm trying to do something very similar with my poems at the moment, which isn't easy. I think that the power of contemporary poetry comes in rendering the ordinary and everyday into something uniquely yours. You've done a pretty good job of that here.
I like the first image - this is strong and concrete, and establishes place well. I'd use a full stop rather than a semi-colon at the end, though, as it works as a singular image.
I'd get rid of some of the superfluous words, as well, changing
'The sun that slides off the long lines
as you cross in the heat'
to
'sun slides off long lines
as you cross in the heat'
A better rhythm. Little words like 'the' and 'that' are often not needed in poems.
a phrase like 'shining white with the sun' could be changed to 'shining sun white...' It's the economy of language which makes a simple poem like this powerful. I think you have some pruning to do.
Otherwise, you have a very strong voice here, and a clarity which you should be pleased with. Join the site properly and keep posting - you won't regret it.
Darren
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Xenny at 12:26 on 03 February 2006
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Hey there
Back again. I agree with Darren about your voice - your images stand out ever-so-well because they're not hidden beneath fancy language. I think you've created a real atmosphere with this piece, for me at least.
I also had some ideas reading it. I'll tell you what they are and I won't be offended if they don't seem right to you.
I'm a bit funny about using 'of something', rather than putting the adjective before the noun. I think it's because it has an old fashioned feel, which can be very lovely but can also sometimes sound overly romanticised. In your poem, I would find the atmosphere even stronger if you changed 'houses of glass' to 'glass houses', and later 'glass house'. But as this is the title and is obviously an important image for you, you might hate this idea! I wondered also about 'city towers'.
I agree with Darren too about there being a few superfluous words, though I think I prefer your 'shining white with the sun'. It sounds more natural, which fits the poem. I prefer just 'shock' to 'sudden shock' I think, as shocks are always sudden! Also having just these two words puts a bit of a pause in, which seems to work with what comes next. (these really are just my thoughts okay - I'm no expert)
I thought 'faded' would be nice on the next line:
Plastic wrappers shining white
with the sun, see-through, or colours
faded with the train's approach, a sound
Well, that's only three things that really come to mind, and they may all just be a matter of personal preference. I've written it out with those things changed just so you can see what I mean(as I'm always thinking I wish people would do that for me with mine). I left the last line as it was because I tried 'city towers' and it didn't seem to end nicely any more.
Glass houses by the railway line;
The sun that slides off long lines
as you cross in the heat
you find amidst the grass
that gathers round your ankles
in the summer.
Plastic wrappers shining white
with the sun, see-through, or colours
faded with the train's approach, a sound
like air, a hot sea, rubble falling
in a distant city, come to buffet the breeze
with a shock.
And when it passes and the blue haze
blows again, you can hear for the first time
in insects singing and buzzing around
the dry bricks, wooden fences and laundry.
And see above, in the glass house
the woman come to look out
across the wasteland
to the towers of the city.
Can I just say that if you were to make no changes at all I still think it's a beautiful poem. I found I was picturing it all very clearly as I read it.
Xenny
<Added>
>Also having just these two words puts a bit of a pause in
I meant three words - "with a shock"
sorry to be confusing
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Paul Isthmus at 15:23 on 03 February 2006
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Hello!
Thanks for all the feedback! You've all given me something to think about. I'll respond to each point in turn.
Firstly, the 'too many words' criticism, with words like 'the', 'of' and 'that' coming under the cross of the pen.
I sort of agree, but I note that Xenny didn't cut the 'towers of the city' line at the end because it didn't sound right. This is an important point. The way I write is very much anchored in sound and the space between sound. I believe that writing poetry for me is very much about the strong impact of imagery - so that the pictures come alive inside you, and you experience the poem on a level different from the intellect, and through that experience gain an understanding - what I understand by 'show, don't tell'.
Why does towers of the city work? the answer is, I don't know, but it does! I'm not easily able to explain it. The same goes for the Houses of Glass line - saying houses of glass rather than glass houses has a poetic purpose to it. For one thing, it distances the idea of what a glass house looks like, making the reader create a new kind of image in his head, and also from the 'people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones' saying - in a way 'glass houses' is too understated and already taken. I love the possibility of a heightened kind of language in poetry, but 'heightened language' often comes out flowery and awful. As you say Darren, the beauty of contemporary poetry comes from rendering the ordinary and everyday into something uniquely yours, somehow bringing it into relief - so what would previously appear flat and mundane takes on a newness, or a strangeness in terms of how we experience it. So for me it's got to be the language of the everyday, but treated in such a way as to make it new. Syntax is one way of doing this, but has to be done subtley, in key with the rhythm.
It's hard, because I do think there are some superfluous words, but the simplicity and economy of language I'm using is made possible by a syntactical and rhythmic structure that supports it and brings each word into relief, partly because of the rhythmical experience of that word. For example, the 'sudden shock' line. The surrounding lines are an attempt to make visceral the experience of a train passing as you stand by the line. There is an long experience of knowledge in the train's approach - hearing and seeing it coming - and then, whoosh, you feel in separate instants the air, pushed by the train, buffet you, and then a crescendo of sound as it roars past for a few moments - and speeds on - with the turbulent air of the train's path whipping you again as it goes. There's a rhythm or feeling to it, sound and air, going on not only outside but inside, with the distant events happening as internal images to bring them together. I've tried to capture this here and feel that the word sudden is necessary for this. It might not be, and taking sudden out might be better! So if people could let me know what they think that would be superduper.
I've thought about changing the colours faded line, but it mixes the senses in an unclear way, with colours standing out too bright and the train's approach coloured by the word fading - so I think it's best to keep it as it is - or perhaps, on further reflection, it needs changing to 'fading' if it goes on the next line. I'll try it!
Darren, the semicolon is an attempt to add a 'mid-point' the rest of the poem is contained within that image, which upon experience grows. I'll try it with the full stop though, see how that feels. And I take your point about pruning and have done so with a few words here and there. I've kept a couple of the 'the's' because I think they individuate the images as experience does, and so think they remain useful.
So here's the latest. Let me know if you think it's an improvement. And thank you for your comments, it's been really useful.
Houses of Glass (unseasonal)
Houses of glass by the railway line.
The sun slides off the long lines
as you cross in the heat
you find amidst the grass
that gathers round your ankles
in the summer.
Plastic wrappers shining white
with the sun, see-through, or colours
fading with the train's approach, a sound
like air, a hot sea, rubble falling
in a distant city, come to buffet the breeze
with a sudden shock.
And when it passes and the blue haze
blows again, you can hear for the first time
in insects singing and buzzing around
the dry bricks, wooden fences and laundry.
And see above, in the house of glass
the woman come to look out
across the wasteland
to the towers of the city.
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Nell at 19:13 on 03 February 2006
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Hello again Paul I. You've had pretty extensive comments since I first read this morning, and left a full reply too, so I'm not sure that I can add anything helpful. I wondered about the word 'unseasonal' in brackets in the title - the line: ...that gathers round your ankles / in the summer... suggests that this is not the summer; ..the wasteland... made me think of Eliot; and who can now read ...the towers of the city... without remembering 9/11? The woman (in the house of glass) coming to look out across the wasteland, after those images prompted by the passing of the train seems to suggest a political subtext, an imaginative flight of what life could be like here in some turbulent future of which we've already had a taste, both in terrorism on our doorstep and in 'natural' disasters. The sun is mentioned twice - at first I thought the second should go, now I'm not so sure - the reference to (as well as 'unseasonal' and 'hot sea') hints at global warming.
So I think you've written a deep poem here, one with a message - more than one message - and your reply certainly seems to indicate that you've thought carefully about the way the language is working and know what you're doing. These crits can only come from our individual perceptions of the poem, and this one is not what it seems at first.
This poem seems to me both subtle and clever. Hope this helps.
Nell.
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DJC at 19:16 on 03 February 2006
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Yes, this is much better - and I'm impressed by your understanding of the poetic process - this goes a long way towards fully engaging with words and their effect. I think that, now you have the full stop, the first image is a little too cut off. Go back to the semi-colon but change the capitalised next line - grammatically, capitals should really only follow full stops and colons, unless you are going for the traditional, capitalised approach throughout.
Still two 'the's I'm not keen on
'the grass'
'the sun'
I think 'find amidst grass' is better, as we know it is the grass you are referring to, rather than grass in general. Also 'the sun', 'as shining white / with sun' scans better.
I'm pleased to see you taking this so seriously. It's also helpful to crit others work as well, as you can really get a handle on your own work through helping others.
Darren
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Xenny at 20:05 on 03 February 2006
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I was looking and looking and could only see two changes, but they do seem to make a difference. I like 'colours fading'.
About 'sudden shock'. I'm now 50/50 as to which I prefer, which means I think it's winning me over! There's still a feeling of something unnecessary about it for me, but the word has that thudding sound that the air does when a train comes past, which I really like. And your explanation for putting it in I completely see. I think if you were to just say 'shock' it would be almost like removing yourself a bit from the poem at that point. I do like the effect that has, because it's as if you're saying, 'I don't need to drum this home - it will do it itself' (I'm probably not making much sense) and so can be a subtle way of creating an impact. But it definitely has a completely different feel and it does break from the rhythm I think - you're probably wise to keep what already works well.
I also liked what you said about 'houses of glass' rather than glass houses. We should be able to use words in this way to create an effect. I would still shy away from the rearrangement but I think I'm too cautious (which I've been made to think quite a bit recently. I'm much more likely to write something along the lines of, 'I went to the shop, and bought some bread, and then I went home, and ate the bread, which was dry...' and really that just won't do!).
Bye for now
Xenny
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paul53 [for I am he] at 06:43 on 06 February 2006
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Hi PaulI,
While in general agreement with all the above, I was reminded here of the lyrics of songwriter Gale Paridjanian in Turin Brakes - a curious admixture of spot-on and missing the taget. His opener for Underdog is "two black lines streaming out like guidance lines". Similarly, here the opening lines for your poem are:Houses of glass by the railway line.
The sun slides off the long lines |
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and the repetition "line"/"lines" doesn't strengthen here but detracts from what is to come. Perhaps "railway tracks"?
Similarly, as "Houses of Glass" is also the title, the repetition later:And see above, in the house of glass
the woman come to look out
across the wasteland
to the towers of the city. |
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again [to me] weakens rather than strengthens. While the poem is light on using metaphors when plain words would do [well done], I feel a metaphor here might be better than "house of glass" again.
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