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Spin Cycle

by DJC 

Posted: 20 January 2006
Word Count: 952
Summary: My first attempt at flashing. Legally, anyway.
Related Works: The lovely girl • 

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Spin cycle

Smith took a job in the launderette so he could be closer to her. She went in twice a week, so at least he’d be able to see her more often now. She was a nurse at the hospital. She worked in accident and emergency and sometimes she brought her bloody aprons to be washed there.

Davis came to see Smith every lunch time. ‘Why you wanna work in a place like this I’ve no idea,’ he said. ‘You ain’t doing yourself no favours.’ But he came in and sat with Smith and they ate lunch together. Then they would go out to the carpark at the back, for a smoke.

Smith knew better than to listen to Davis about his new job. He knew it was worth it, being here in the launderette every day, so he could see the nurse more often. But he couldn’t tell Davis as he wouldn’t have understood, as he was not the sort of man to understand what some men had to do. He was more of a sports kind of a man.

Later, when the last of the clients had left, Smith locked up and joined Davis in the bar. He ordered an orange juice. He was trying to drink less and eat a more healthy diet. The last time he’d looked in the mirror he’d been disgusted by what he saw. He was only thirty but he looked twice that. He didn’t hold out much hope that his nurse would be interested in him. But at least he was giving it a chance, by putting himself in her way. By making an effort with his appearance and general health.

Davis wanted to talk about his warts. He showed them to Smith. They were in clusters on the fingers of his right hand. One of them was the size of a pea, and had been picked at. ‘You see, they’re beginning to spread now, and I think that I should go and see someone, you know, a doctor like, but what do you think? Any advice?’
Smith looked at the warts. ‘I think you should go and see a doctor.’

Two girls came into the bar and sat down at the next table to the men. Davis turned his chair to face them. They weren’t as pretty as the nurse. One of them had a top on which was too short for her. Her stomach poked out over the top of her skirt. Smith went back to the bar.

‘How’s the job then,’ the barman asked. Smith had been coming to the bar for a year now, but he still didn’t know the barman’s name. He had meant to ask, but then it got embarrassing, so he gave up. He kept hoping he would overhear someone say the barman’s name, but he never did. There weren’t many regulars at this bar. Mainly hospital visitors and a few doctors, finishing their shifts.
‘Going well,’ Smith said.
‘Stolen any panties yet?’
‘Not yet, no.’
‘Let me know when you do. I’ll give you a free pint for them.’

Smith took the drinks back to the table. The girls had moved to the other side of the bar. The two men talked about the football, about who was playing who and which manager had said what.

The next day at four, the nurse came into the launderette. She walked past Smith and began to unload her washing from a stripy bag. When she had finished she sat at one of the picnic tables by the door and lit a cigarette. She took out a magazine and smoked her cigarette and occasionally looked across to see how her washing was doing.

Smith began sweeping the floor. He moved across to the nurse, sweeping all the while. He swept under the other picnic table then moved near the door. The nurse carried on reading her magazine, looking at the pictures of models and movie stars. She chewed her fingernails between drags on her cigarette. She smoked the same brand as Smith.

Smith wanted to talk to her. He wanted to sit down opposite her and ask her how her day had been, whether it had been hard, whether she enjoyed what she did, whether she was lonely or not. She had such lovely hair, long and wavy, which she always tied back with a scrunchy. She wore glasses to read. They were tortoiseshell, the sort librarians would wear. Or at least the sorts of librarians Smith thought about when he was alone. Smith wanted the nurse to look at him with those glasses on.

After he had finished sweeping he went to the back of the launderette and filled up the soap powder dispenser. He sneezed a few times when the powder got up his nose. The nurse did not look round. An elderly lady did, who had come in to wash her dog’s bed. The dog sat at her feet, looking bored. ‘Bless you,’ the old lady said.

The nurse’s washing was nearly finished. It was spinning now. Smith knew that, by the time it finished, he had to talk to the nurse, say something, anything. After all, he’d taken this job so he could be closer to her. And if he didn’t do anything, there would have been no point in it all.

The spin cycle finished. The nurse stood and waited by the machine for it to unlock. Then she unloaded her clothes and put them back into the stripy bag. Smith knew he’d lost his chance. He knew it, because the nurse never used a drier. They were a waste of money if you had somewhere at home you could dry your things.






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Comments by other Members



Prospero at 08:28 on 20 January 2006  Report this post
A good story Darren, nicely told. You captured the sense of loneliness and hopelessness extremely well. This piece had a sort of 'Waiting for Godot.' feel about. You left me feeling quite worried about your MC. Has he got a gas oven at home?

I particularly loved these bits

‘Stolen any panties yet?’
‘Not yet, no.’
‘Let me know when you do. I’ll give you a free pint for them.’


They were tortoiseshell, the sort librarians would wear. Or at least the sorts of librarians Smith thought about when he was alone.


An elderly lady did, who had come in to wash her dog’s bed. The dog sat at her feet, looking bored.


Magic!

John

DJC at 10:29 on 20 January 2006  Report this post
Cheers, John - no, no gas oven. I'm thinking of developing this into a longer story, but am not sure as yet which way it might go. I like the sense of 'quiet desperation' this man has - in fact, all my stories seem to revolve around these sorts of marginal characters. I enjoy giving people like this some sort of voice.

I think the man will continue his silent quest for the nurse's love, all the time knowing it will never be fulfilled. I don't think he's suicidal, not yet anyway.

gkay at 12:14 on 20 January 2006  Report this post
I liked this story as well. It's a nice slice of existentialist narrative. I like the short paragraphs as well. It moves it quickly and gives the feeling that a lot has been packed into a small space, if you know what I mean.

Guy

DJC at 15:07 on 20 January 2006  Report this post
A slice of existential narrative - I like that! Hadn't really thought of it before, but I suppose you're right. I don't like getting too inside characters' heads, as I like what they say and do/not do to say more.

lieslj at 17:08 on 20 January 2006  Report this post
Hi Darren,

Great premise to start a story with - bloke gets a job to get to know a girl better, and what better information can one get from studying people's soiled laundry or their garbage? You've also interpreted the prompt in a highly original way.

At times your writing feels a bit ponderous and repetitive. Consider the following passage, for example, and try to reduce everything that doesn't significantly add to a story:

Smith knew better than to listen to Davis about his new job. He knew it was worth it, being here in the launderette every day. It was worth the long boring hours so he could see her twice a week. But he couldn’t tell Davis as he wouldn’t have understood. Davis was not the sort of man to understand what some men had to do. He was more of a sports kind of a man. Their conversations never strayed too far. But it was important to have friends like that.


I've taken the liberty of cutting it, so that you give the reader the basics and spin the story along:

Smith knew better than to listen to Davis. The new job was worth the long boring hours to see her twice a week. Davis wouldn’t have understood. He didn't understand what some men had to do. Their conversations never strayed far from sports, but it was important to have friends like that.

Fabulous dialogue informs us well about the character of the barman:

‘Going well,’ Smith said.
‘Stolen any panties yet?’
‘Not yet, no.’
‘Let me know when you do. I’ll give you a free pint for them.’


And this really really works for me - tender and original:

Smith wanted to talk to her. He wanted to sit down opposite her and ask her how her day had been, whether it had been hard, whether she enjoyed what she did, whether she was lonely or not. She had such lovely hair, long and wavy, which she always tied back with a scrunchy. She wore glasses to read. They were tortoiseshell, the sort librarians would wear. Or at least the sorts of librarians Smith thought about when he was alone. Smith wanted the nurse to look at him with those glasses on.


Your ending is brilliant.

There's some really good writing here, Darren. Be ruthless with the repetition, and like your narrator, this piece will lose weight. Unlike your narrator, it may well get its girl!

Best of luck as you work with it,

Liesl

DJC at 18:19 on 20 January 2006  Report this post
Cheers, Liesl - I like what you've done here. I'll have a chop away at some of the dead wood.

<Added>

Okay - I think this is better now. It's always good to have a fresh pair of eyes look at something.

crowspark at 21:34 on 20 January 2006  Report this post
Hi Darren, a nicely written tale of thwarted love.

Some great detail which makes the read an enjoyable reader experience.

Great last paragraph.

Bill

Haadi at 16:07 on 21 January 2006  Report this post
Fabulous. This really grabbed me.

I love the short, to-the-point sentences.

And such wonderful observation.

I agreed with Liesl's reworking of that paragraph starting "Smith knew better than to listen to Davis". I stumbled over that paragraph and had to re-read it.

Thank you for an enjoyable read!

Haadi

(Novice's question: is this showing, not telling? By god, it works!)

Anj at 18:02 on 21 January 2006  Report this post
Darren,

I just loved this. It has a very slightly meandering, detached feel - but it really works, I love it. I agree it could be tightened up a little, and I felt the narrative was a little unbalanced, more Davis than we needed to illustrate Smith's life & character, not quite enough about the nurse. Loved though the incidentals like the little old lady.

The next day at four, the nurse came into the launderette ... Smith wanted the nurse to look at him with those glasses on.


These three paras are just fabulous.

Wonderful

Andrea


EmmaD at 22:29 on 21 January 2006  Report this post
Darren, I think this is very effective. I think the structure works very well; delaying anything about what the nurse looks like till so late gives a real sense of pent-up desire and emotion in Smith. Appropriately, it's just about the longest sentence in the piece: amazing how one does these things instinctively. I wondered if the build-up was very slightly too long, though it's very well paced, but maybe I was just revolted enough by the warts to half-wish they weren't there ;)The dialogue is well-placed and rightly cut to the bone.

Smith's voice is spot on - vocabulary and syntax just right. One of the dangers with no-style style like this is that it can become very plodding, but on the whole, you've found enough variety of tone and structure in seemingly simple sentences to keep the reader engaged. 'Smith wanted the nurse to look at him with those glasses on' is wonderful, and the last line is perfect.

I'm interested that you use surnames; I know you don't want to get too far inside Smith's head, but it is very much seen through his eyes, and it also gives it an old-fashioned feel. Does Smith think of himself as Smith? Might it work if Davis as a pretty minimal friend calls him Smith but he calls himself by his first name?

All in all, I think this is really well-conceived and executed, to put it pompously. You've got just the right length and style for what you want to say. It isn't a cheery number, but it never feels as if you're being gloomy for the sake of it: you've built Smith up enough for us to feel a sorrowful sense of inevitability about the end - you've earned it, as it were.

Emma

PS

Nitpicks - feel free to ignore:

Would she have bloody aprons; aren't those done at the hospital?

Would Smith call it a bar, rather than a pub? If it's America, it would be a bar, but also a laundromat. For myself, I still read 'gonna' as American, too.

Repetition of 'as' - something like this would get rid of it:
But he couldn’t tell Davis as he wouldn’t have understood. He was not the sort of man to understand what some men had to do


'An elderly lady did, who had come': the comma reads oddly and isn't correct, though I see why it's there. I think 'did, who' needs to be 'did: she', or swap it round: 'An elderly lady who had come in to wash her dog's bed did.'

DJC at 07:26 on 22 January 2006  Report this post
Thanks again, Emma - I think I've found a fellow 'writewords procrastinator' in you, as you spend so much time and care over your comments! All very useful advice.

-The bloody aprons - ah, I'm glad you mentioned them. There will be a reason for her doing this, as I want to develop this idea into a longer story/perhaps novel.
-bar and 'gonna' - yup, you're right. Reading too much Carver...
-'as' repetition - yes, I'd changed this from a previous draft, but this is clumsy - yours works better
-I'll revisit the clunky old lady as well.

Darren

Cholero at 08:57 on 23 January 2006  Report this post
Hi Darren

As I began reading I was put off by the Carverese and thought oh no! And the style did intrude for me throughout, I have to say, as did the american setting/tone which I feel wavers in places. But the telling of the tale is strong and it grabbed my attention.

Like Emma I felt that the form and length of the story were a perfect fit for the subject.

Smith wanted to talk to her. He wanted to sit down opposite her and ask her how her day had been, whether it had been hard, whether she enjoyed what she did, whether she was lonely or not. She had such lovely hair, long and wavy, which she always tied back with a scrunchy. She wore glasses to read. They were tortoiseshell, the sort librarians would wear. Or at least the sorts of librarians Smith thought about when he was alone. Smith wanted the nurse to look at him with those glasses on.

Brilliant paragraph. It clinches his existence in the world of fantasy.

I wasn't too happy with the use of surnames, unless this is set back in time when people thought of each other in those terms more. Or if we were more in Smith's head it would make sense, that being how he thinks of people...

One pick: 'pint' in an american bar?

You achieve the feeling of lost loneliness really well: a man without hope who is close to knowing it, but who maybe never will. I think that is a serious achievement, very difficult to do, especially with no tell and all show, and it's clearly what you set out to do.

The whole story lingers in the brain.

Best wishes

Pete

<Added>

I just wanted to add, because it doesn't come through above, that I'm seriously impressed. -Pete

DJC at 19:46 on 23 January 2006  Report this post
Cheers, Pete. You're right, I have to put Carver down for a bit. I've even started mainlining scotch and beating my wife (not really - she's more likely to beat me...)




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