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The Beacon
Posted: 11 January 2006
Word Count: 58
Summary: Deal
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The Beacon
A blaze is set upon the rise,
to call the youngest home to ties,
but how can beacons reach as far,
as deadness treats their faces?
The years they pass and lighters tire, the fuel is wasted on the fire.
And as the wind caused the boughs to bend, so too the life of beacons end.
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Comments by other Members
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 Barlow at 12:59 on 14 January 2006
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Hi Eanna,
I don't think I've ever been the first to comment on a poem but here goes!
I liked the sound of the words as I read them aloud and especially the phrase: "wind has caused the boughs to bend". However, I have to confess I am not sure of the meaning, nor why "Deal" is given as a summary. Also should there be a question mark after "faces" because earlier in the line you have used the word "how" which I think in this context is interrogative?
Sorry if you feel I'm just being pedantic as that is not my intention at all. I have now read your piece aloud several times but still am none the wiser, so it's not for want of trying.
Hopefully some more experienced poets will give you better feedback than my feeble attempts!
I look forward to reading more of your work.
Best wishes,
Barlow
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Account Closed at 14:42 on 14 January 2006
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I enjoyed this - the beat and rhythm are very powerful. I did wonder whether you would add even more to that power by making it look more like a poem? (though it's up to you!) - how about:
A blaze is set upon the rise
to call the youngest home to ties,
but how can beacons reach as far
as deadness treats their faces.
The years they pass and lighters tire,
the fuel is wasted on the fire.
As the wind has caused the boughs to bend,
so too the life of beacons end.
I would also be tempted to make the 3rd & 4th lines rhyme as the others do - the lack of rhyme does stand out. On the other hand, you could make the last 2 lines of the poem not rhyme, and then you'll have an edgy feel to it.
Again, I wasn't 100% sure what it's about, but with something with the sort of inner life this has, I'm not sure that matters!
A
xxx
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smudger at 12:46 on 16 January 2006
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Hi Eanna,
Not sure exactly how to interpret this, but it does have a strong motive force all its own, as someone already said. I certainly enjoyed it, but tripped over the irregular rhythm. Most of the lines have eight syllables and I would suggest making lines 4 and 7 also have eight, so that it scans more evenly.
Why is it called Deal? Would that be Deal in Kent and a beacon on the downs?
Best
smudger
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Laura Hunt at 10:23 on 01 February 2006
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Hi - 'A blaze is set upon the rise,
to call the youngest home to ties,'
I thought ties to rhyme with rise sounded forced.
This has quite a magical feel to it.
Laura
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