|
|
 |
Mirror Poem - Design
Posted: 08 January 2006
Word Count: 96
Summary: My response to the exercise in Poetry Seminar.
|
Font Size
|
|
The Christmas fruit has gathered dust
for several days. The decorations
now lie trapped in empty biscuit tins.
Ten days ago
we laughed;
the glorious promise of a bright New Year
taunted our senses. Too soon
the balloons deflated
and we realised
that
time can't be measured by man.
I watch the TV in disgust
when adverts flaunt and complications
simmer under lies and cheesy grins.
Two feet of snow,
a draught,
and suddenly our problems disappear
completely in an afternoon;
all the things we hated.
Life idealised.
Flat.
Where is our place in this plan?
|
Comments by other Members
| |
 paul53 [for I am he] at 09:21 on 09 January 2006
 Report this post
|
Hi Joanie,
These are great fun, aren't they? Equally enjoying having a go oneself as reading what the rest of the group uploads.
| time can't be measured by mere man |
|
I know what you mean. Nature has seasons and tides; we invented hours, minutes and seconds. My father ended his days in a small high-rise flat with countless clocks mocking the ticking down of his physical time-bomb. We measured the atomic second, but still don't know how to spend it wisely.
Do I take it to mean that the snow put paid to all your plans and duties? That blessed moment when you find you don't have to do things you weren't really looking forward to anyway. And the flatness? We live in a world where what we do matters to other folk, and even if it means little to us it still rankles. "Justin Market Analyst" and "Debbie Personal Assistant" bump into "Paul on Disablement Benefit who says he's 'retired'".
Anyway, I'm rambling again. Great piece.
Paul
p.s. should I have put a bit in the thread about my effort, or is it too late now?
| |
Mac AM at 09:42 on 09 January 2006
Report this post
|
I like the two faces of Christmas and that although the rhyme of the second stanza mirrors the first, you have made the images quite different and contrasted the almost-magic in the opening stanza with the commercialism. You have tainted the glitter of the time of year. You really seem to have got that after-the party feel to post New Year. It really sums it up well.
I wonder if you need mere[/] on the last line of the first stanza and whether the statement would be strengthened without it.
What a great start to the new year! I’d better pull my finger out and get something down.
Mac
| |
 Nell at 14:08 on 09 January 2006
Report this post
|
Hi Joanie,
I found myself going back again and again to pair up the rhymes - you've been clever here. Rhyming ...empty biscuit tins... with ...lies and cheesy grins... made me smile. Somehow I imagined the biscuits were cheesy too. Loved the enjambment of ...and complications / simmer under lies... I agree with Mac about mere (man) - it seemed a little dated.
The second stanza is beautifully subtle - it didn't give up its meaning immediately, but when it did I wondered how I didn't see it straight away. And if eveything were ideal we wouldn't have anything to set that against, and no way of knowing that it was. A great response to the exercise.
Nell.
<Added>
Joanie, I couldn't resist - don't be cross!
It scans too - except at 'taunted'. The meaning has shifted slightly though. Interesting.
The Christmas fruit has gathered dust
I watch the TV in disgust
for several days. The decorations
when adverts flaunt and complications
now lie trapped in empty biscuit tins
simmer under lies and cheesy grins.
Ten days ago
two feet of snow
we laughed
a draught,
the glorious promise of a bright New Year
and suddenly our problems disappear
taunted our senses too soon
completely in an afternoon;
the balloons deflated
all the things we hated
and we realised
life idealised,
that
flat
time can't be measured by mere man.
Where do we figure in this plan?
Nell.
| |
 joanie at 15:10 on 09 January 2006
Report this post
|
Paul, Mac and Nell, many many thanks. I agree, on reflection, about the 'mere' but I just have to fiddle with it so the mirrored line is right too! There - done!
joanie
| |
roovacrag at 17:13 on 09 January 2006
Report this post
|
Joan.a truly exquisite poem. Savoured every morsal of each word written.
You portrayed the mirror image perfectly.
Well done,
Alice xxxx
| |
joanie at 17:18 on 09 January 2006
Report this post
|
Thanks, Alice. Lovely to see you from time to time! Happy New Year.
Joan
| |
joanie at 07:39 on 10 January 2006
Report this post
|
Nell! Sorry, I hadn't seen your addition. Yes, it works surprisingly well, doesn't it? I kept doing that mentally when I had written the second part, but I hadn't noticed that the enjambment still works in The Christmas fruit has gathered dust
I watch the TV in disgust
for several days. |
|
I like too.
Amazing. Thanks for taking the time to do it!
joanie
| |
Shika at 14:48 on 11 January 2006
Report this post
|
|
Joanie, exquisite is right. I loved this. So true too. S
|
|
| |
|
|
DJC at 07:51 on 14 January 2006
Report this post
|
You made this look easy, Joanie - I'm really struggling with mine! The rhythm of the opening line is very fluid, and really draws you into the image. For me, 'taunted' is a bit of a cliche - are there other things you could do to your senses? The only suggestion in an otherwise very accomplished piece.
| |
joanie at 08:34 on 16 January 2006
Report this post
|
Sorry, Darren; I only just saw your response. I'll keep thinking about 'taunted' - I don't know!
Thanks for reading.
joanie
| |
gard at 23:36 on 18 January 2006
Report this post
|
Hi Joanie
I like the way yours and Nells make sense as couplets (my does not really). Very clever. I enjoyed this.
Nice one G
| |
|
|
| |
Comments by other Members
