The blue cap sat on the table in front of me. I sat at my desk, typing a letter of defeat. I looked at the bottle. There was only one left, I’d have to keep it for when I really needed it. I needed more. He walked through the door and sat on the couch. I ignored him. He sat there wearing the same clothes he always did, dirty bastard. Smiling at me as if he thought I liked that smile. Looking me up and down, knowing I noticed’� pretending he still fancied me.
’�I thought you never wanted to see me again?’� He stood up and walked towards me, pointed at the blue bottle. ’�You can’t threaten me with that, you’ll never take it’� Still typing, still focused on the monitor, I became more and more aware of his presence. ’�I spoke to him today’�’� I froze for a second but quickly began typing again, ’�He says hi’�’� he got on his knees and tried to catch my eyes and whispered almost emotionally’� ’�He misses you’�’�
He got back up and raised his voice once more, ’�well! I mean, of course he does’� and you miss him too, I know that’� I glanced at the blue bottle and then back at my letter. ’�You want to take the pills? All of them’� and never see me again’�’� I ignored him’� focused on focusing on anything else. ’�Would you look at me? DAMNIT! WOULD YOU ACKNOLEDGE ME!’� he stared at me’� I felt it, but I didn’t look at him. ’�Then why am I here? Why did you want to see me?’�
I closed my eyes and muttered under my breath’� ’�I didn’t’�
He laughed and threw his hands up in the air, ’�it speaks!’� He put them back down to his side and leant in to whisper cold words in my ear, ’�then why am I here?’�
He circled the small room, laughing out of frustration, ’�you love me, I know you do’�
Still focused on the letter, still typing, I didn’t look at him, ’�I never loved you’�
’�Of course you did, fuck; you were in love with me’�’� I felt the passion in his smile, ’�I turned you on’� he sat on the desk and swung his legs back and forth, waved his hand in front of my eyes, ’�yoo-hoo’� man that you’ll never get over is paying you some attention’�’�
Music started playing from my alarm, I squinted my face, angry that I had been so stupid.
’�Is ’� is that your alarm? ’� wow, I feel loved, truly’� he got up and swayed from side to side, singing ’�there is no one else’� and the reason for my fall was lost in romance’� there is no one else’�’� he stopped dancing and stood behind my chair, starting playing with my hair, ’�you remember all the nights we made love to that music? We kept thinking we were going to wake him up, you got really embarrassed when he called for you and you were’� well, otherwise engaged, shall we say’� he stopped playing with my hair and looked at the monitor, ’�you’re really serious about this huh’� is it that bad?’�
I looked away from the screen and at my feet, ’�I can’t do it anymore’�’�
’�You can! You have to!’�
’�Why? It’s not good enough for me anymore, I need something’� different’�
’�Someone else you mean’�
’�Yes’�
’�Someone better?’�
I shook my head, ’�go away’� I looked back at the monitor and tried to regain focus.
’�Stop typing!!’� I made a quick attempt for the pills, but he got in my way, ’�if you take them’� if you write that letter’� if you do this, I’ll be gone so fast!’�
His eyes were almost real, and those were almost real tears forming in his eyes, he stood there, wearing the same clothes that he had always done, crying out for me to keep him. ’�Maybe I need you gone’� I turned back to my letters, I needed more anyway.
’�If you really wanted me gone you wouldn’t have our song as your alarm! STOP TYPING!’�
He screamed at me as I pressed the print button, followed me as I went to the kitchen to get an envelope and a stamp. ’�You don’t want to do this, don’t write to them, don’t say goodbye’� I love you, - what about me? Don’t I get a say? I want to see you, I don’t want to say goodbye’�
He followed me down the road to the post box, danced around me frantically; screaming. ’�Don’t’� please’�’� those tears were almost real.

**

I hadn’t gone to work, I hadn’t seen anyone, I sat in bed and ignored him. I was going to be strong. This was it. The following week my package arrived. I hadn’t slept; I sat by the door waiting for it.
’�No’� NO! NO’�’� he looked at me and whispered soft ’�I love yous’ ’�I don’t want to say goodbye to you’�’�
I swallowed two. It took a few moments, he cried. But those weren’t real tears. He faded as the memory he had always been. Maybe it was the drugs working already, or maybe he was angry with me. I wasn’t sure if it was too late, or too soon. I got back into bed, with only his photograph besides me. Him, me, and our darling. Both of them gone now. For good. I was only in bed for a few seconds before my alarm went off, and then my tears came’� ’�There is no one else’�’� but there were no soft whispers by my pillow, no more I love You’s. The house was empty and cold’� and I missed him.