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Adolescence

by hailfabio 

Posted: 05 January 2006
Word Count: 29
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All the nice girls hate me,
passing by too hasty.
Oh I feel so lonely,
no one ever phones me.
Everything is boring,
am I not adoring?

Grow up.






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Comments by other Members



jewelsx at 23:31 on 06 January 2006  Report this post
I think this piece might read a bit better with some of the punctuation taken out. I always struggle with the correct level of grammer in poetry but am slowly learning that often less is more.

what about

"passing by to hasty" - it also makes the same count giving it a better pace.

"am i not adoring?" - again sorts the count out

6
4
6
2

what about a ! at the end rather than a full stop, make it more dramatic?

Here are some suggestions nice poem. Feel free to ignore everything i have typed, i hope this wasn't based on true life!

All the best
Julie
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hailfabio at 13:11 on 09 January 2006  Report this post
Thanks Julie.

Much appreciated.

It probably was real life a few years ago, but this poem is kind of poking fun at the thoughts adolescents have in those difficult teen years.

Stephen
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smudger at 10:10 on 10 January 2006  Report this post
Hi Stephen,

I think this expresses the self-obsession of a difficult adolescence very well. When I read this I heard it as an extract from a rap, but then I tripped on the rhythm of lines 3 and 4. How about this:

And I feel so lonely,
no one ever phones me.

It makes all of the first verse six syllables per line and sustains the rhythm.

Please feel free to ignore me!

Best

smudger
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