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Intentions
Posted: 01 January 2006
Word Count: 25
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I don't need another friend.
I know you mean so well.
So well.
But you don't need me
and I want you as something else.
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Comments by other Members
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 Jekyll&Hyde at 18:30 on 01 January 2006
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Interesting poem. More meaning than there is words, which is quite a feat. Got me thinking, anyway. Impressive. :)
Best,
Ste
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 James Graham at 14:47 on 02 January 2006
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Another economical piece, and in a poem with no waffle we immediately spot the repetition of 'so well'. Same words, different tone - the acknowledgement is still there, but it's giving way to exasperation.
But 'your intentions are good' and 'you mean so well' are too close in meaning, which detracts a little from the overall conciseness. I'd suggest replacing 'your intentions are good' with a slightly different characteristic, probably a negative - 'I know you're not...'
This one seems to be along similar lines to 'Imagined Relationship' (which I've posted in our '2005 collection' today). This new one's ok, but 'Imagined Relationship' works better, I think.
James.
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hailfabio at 17:13 on 02 January 2006
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Thanks very much for posting my poem in the 2005 collection, its an honour.
I think I can differentiate this work more.
Stephen
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 joanie at 17:57 on 02 January 2006
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Hi Stephen. I like economy, and I always think that less is more! You could almost have only the first and last lines here, or something like I don't need another friend.
I know your intentions are good
But I need you as something else. |
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Enjoyed.
joanie
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hailfabio at 12:29 on 03 January 2006
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Thanks joanie, taken on board.
Restructured and changed one word, can you tell which one?
Stephen
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James Graham at 14:57 on 03 January 2006
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I like this much better. It's the kind of poem that seems to ask to be whittled down, to see how little it needs to sustain it.
I'd still leave out one word - 'and'.
I don't need another friend.
I know you mean so well.
So well.
But you don't need me
and I want you as something else. |
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The relationship between what the first line says and what the second line says is more 'but' than 'and'. But it wants to be reversed - 'I know you mean so well, but I don't need another friend.' To reverse it would spoil the poem's symmetry, though - the way the first and last lines complement each other. So, no connecting word between lines 1 and 2. The first line connects perfectly with the last, and the other 'but' works perfectly too, saying 'You mean well but you don't need me', linking what the middle of the poem says with what the last two lines say. I hope that makes sense to you. This is what happens sometimes - it's easy to say 'drop the and', but explaining why can be complicated. But I think it's worth doing that final tweak because your revision has much improved the poem. It now really benefits from its economy of language, has a real haiku-like quality and balance.
James.
<Added>
'I don't need another friend - and I want you as something else.' The 'and' works between the first and last lines. It also works between the middle of the poem and the last lines. It's a double connection. The only connecting word that doesn't work any magic at all is the earlier 'and'.
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hailfabio at 15:26 on 03 January 2006
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Sound advice James.
The balance is much better now, i understand how the first and doesn't work. Funny how some poetry is like pottery, you start of with a lump of words and craft it into a fine piece of art.
Thanks
Stephen
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