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Drabble of Desire
Posted: 31 December 2005
Word Count: 100
Summary: Poets and philosophers have defined love in thousands of words. Here's my try in 100. (now edited to reflect comments)
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No more death, carnage or despair. As I stand here, ring in hand; clarity descends with a simple solution.
So many deaths behind me, perplexing police perpetually. My ugliness smothered in the simplicity of my question to her.
Breath in short rasps, tearing my throat with anticipation. Her smile and acceptance the reward of a realised dream.
Beast becalmed under sediment of beauty, my ugly deeds forever to remain buried.
As I slip the ring on her finger, my epiphany: love is no more than the echo of what beauty I possess, reflected in the mirror of my sweetheart’s smile.
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Comments by other Members
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 crowspark at 17:25 on 31 December 2005
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Hi David. Great drabble.
Love as the civilising influence, the taming of the beast.
Why not try this in the present tense as it tends to increase engagement and reduces word count. (often)
I'm not sure this guy has turned over a new leaf though. He sounds a bit hyper, like he might mug the vicar and throttle the verger. This may be the result of this line, 'Joy now coursing through my veins, my ugly deeds forever to remain buried.' (love the pun on buried by the way) where perhaps you need something more sobering, slowing the pace?
I can see you are on your way to being a Drabble addict!
Bill
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 Dreamer at 14:26 on 01 January 2006
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Nice one.
Not much to add over Bill's expert advice except I was expecting that this guy would say something like 'I'm sure this one will work' implying he has murdered his other wives as he seems quite evil. I'm not convince he will be civilised once the initial infatuation wears off.
So Bill, I take it this means we are the only ones not hung over?
Brian.
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crowspark at 14:31 on 01 January 2006
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I have to confess to feeling a little the worse for wear Brian. I have just been for a walk in the sunshine to clear my lungs and my head.
Now, if I could only stop coughing and groaning I would be fine.
Bill
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choille at 19:28 on 01 January 2006
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Welcome Archgimp,
Great to see you managed to get aboard.
Now this drabble was all news to me until Bill posted the thread in the forum. Mmmmm good for you to give it a bash, and a very good bash it is.
Now this is a real tongue twister:-
'perplexing police perpetually.'
Apart from what's been said above I have a very minute picky, and of probably no relevence:-
'As she slips the ring on her finger,...' [would henot slip the ring on her finger?]
Great stuff have never tried one of these drabbles, good discipline.
All the best
caroline.
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archgimp at 06:43 on 03 January 2006
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Thank you all for the comments. Drabbles are addictive, I was addicted before I even knew their name.
I've made some changes to reflect the excellent feedback.
Bill: changed 'there' to 'here' in an attempt to make it more immediate. Upon reading, I think it probably does work better that way. Also changed the 'Joy now coursing...' line to 'Beast becalmed under sediment of beauty...'. Though I'm not convinced I picked the right working yet, I certainly think it improves the pace.
Brian: Whether or not the psycho calms down depends on how much he values his new discovery of love. His swetheart can only reflect what beauty he has, so the uglier he makes himself, the less he will be able to love and be loved. What faith have you in love? ;)
Caroline: I quite like the line 'perplexing...' phrase. Given only 100 words to play with I was trying to sum up a situation in such a way as to both slow the reader down a little and also imply more words than were there. I have tio plead mea culpa on the slipping of rings on fingers line. My own experiences slipping in there (my wife slipped the ring on her own finger). I think it definately works better the way you suggested.
All in all, some excellent feedback, thank you all for taking the time to read and crit.
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