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exist

by amanda 

Posted: 21 December 2005
Word Count: 137


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exsist

Do you here me
I'm shouting, but u don't her me
r u listening
I don't think so
I yell, and scream
why cant u here me, I don't understand

I'm still here but u don't see me
u look, but u look right throughe me
I touch u, but u don't feel me
I stand with wide open arms, like angels wings
but u just knock me down with no feelings
that's all I can see is feathers falling.

you shine like a ray of sun light,
that float over my broken feathers,
the words I speak,thay don't reach u,
as u drift away the darker it becomes,
I shiver in the could empty darkness,
amongst my broken and torn feathers
I ask why, as I watch your ray of angle light drift away .







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Comments by other Members



paul53 [for I am he] at 11:15 on 22 December 2005  Report this post
Amanda,
Welcome to WriteWords.
I think your poem would get more comments if you attended to the spelling. It is a shame, as this is a heartfelt poem with some excellent description. Also, I think the use of "r" and "u" detract from rather than enhance the emotion within this piece.
Look at this with spelling corrections, deletion of unnecessary punctuation and a bit of tidying:

exist

Do you hear me
I am shouting, but you don't hear me
are you listening
I don't think so
I yell, and scream
why can't you hear me
I don't understand

I'm still here but you don't see me
you look, but you look right through me
I touch you, but you don't feel me
I stand with wide-open arms, like angel's wings
but you just knock me down with no feelings
that's all I can see - feathers falling.

you shine like a ray of sun light
that floats over my broken feathers
the words I speak, they don't reach you
as you drift away, the darker it becomes
I shiver in the cold empty darkness,
amongst my broken and torn feathers
I ask why, as I watch your ray of angle-light drift away

I hope this does not put you off, but encourages you to join as a full member and find the benefit of being in a group.
There is good poetry in you.



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