|
|
 |
No Clue
Posted: 21 December 2005
Word Count: 59
Summary: Etiquette on the Tube
|
Font Size
|
|
looking up as
her belly
crumpled the paper
his eye catches an “inny”
shamelessly exposed
a little cyclops
staring at him accusingly
so standing
gesturing
with the polished urbanity
of those subterranean travellers
then perplexed and in discomfort
sits again
next time
better he lets the pregnant stand
than risk the fishwife tongue
and tears
of a fat girl
|
Comments by other Members
| |
 Shika at 11:59 on 24 December 2005
 Report this post
|
Hi P
I have read this three times and I think I have finally got it. It is very well observed but I think it was the fishwife tonguing that confused me a bit. Nice one. S
|
|
| |
miffle at 19:15 on 26 December 2005
Report this post
|
I'm puzzled by this poem too. On the tube a belly button is exposed and observed. I like the phrase 'polished urbanity'. I'm not understanding the last four lines and their connection withe the preceding lines, 'better the pregnant stand'? If you experimented with an alternative title for the poem I wonder what you might choose? All the best, Nikki
| |
Plagious at 13:25 on 28 December 2005
Report this post
|
Hi Shika, Nikki. Thank you both for comments. Was not intending to be obscure. Apologies. Scenario: sitting on tube (or "underground" if you're not from London) reading a newspaper. A large standing woman squashes paper with stomach, her mid-rift is exposed as that is the fashion; crop-tops, hipster jeans, etc.
He is eye-level with her navel ("inny"). Thinks she is pregnant and stands. Big mistake! The term "fishwife" is an old description for a foul-mouthed, coarse or "shrewishly abusive" woman. If any further doubt with setting, try asking an overweight woman, “when’s the baby due?” and see if their cup of human kindness overflows, or is thrown at you with great force!! P
| |
Account Closed at 19:54 on 07 January 2006
Report this post
|
Fantastic - very sharp and vivid. Understand though some of the confusion expressed above (I actually thought the "eye" was something else entirely and you were being very rude - sorry!!!) Once I'd read your explanation, all became clear and it really opened the whole thing out wonderfully! To avoid readers needing this each time, I think the pronouns need to be drawn out a little.
What about:
looking up as
her belly
crumpled the paper
my eye catches an “inny”
shamelessly exposed
a little cyclops
staring at me accusingly
so standing
I gesture
with the polished urbanity
of us subterranean travellers
then perplexed and in discomfort
sit again
next time
better I let the pregnant stand
than risk the fishwife tongue
and tears
of a fat girl
| |
Plagious at 21:02 on 10 January 2006
Report this post
|
Anne. Thank you so much for observations. Will make changes you suggested, but would want to keep in third person rather than first. Not sure how "eye" was interpreted as something "very rude"?! Your mind, not mine!! x
| |
| |
Comments by other Members
