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Making a list

by archgimp 

Posted: 20 December 2005
Word Count: 802
Summary: My first ever try at Flash Fiction. Saw the post, the excellent images told me this tale on their own, all I did was write it down. Almost exactly 800 words, and from what I've read it nearly breaks all the tenets of normal flash fiction. Still - practice will make perfect.


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Pandemonium. That’s the only word that could describe it. Children sobbing into parents’ shoulders, parents sobbing into their mobile phones, yet more phones making that awful frog warble. Right in the middle of it: me and Santa. The latter very dead indeed.

The pathologist would later tell me Santa (real name: Roger Duddett) had died from the first wound. The other three holes unnecessary, except to the killer. As acting DI on the case, it was up to me to figure out who and the why.

Going by the book: first item on the agenda: secure the locus. Easier said than done in a cardboard shack at the centre of Churchill Square shopping centre, with only two more shopping days until Christmas.

Christ what am I going to tell the kids when they ask about my day? –‘Santa’s dead and I’m looking for his murderer…’

Next: people at the scene. PCs were taking care of that. An unending curve of benches rapidly filling with Constables and quarry. A quick straw poll: Santa’s elf seen fleeing the scene moments before the unfortunate family who now wished they’d not bothered queuing.

CCTV confirming the elf flight.

‘…and it looks like Santa’s little helper is top of my naughty list, kids…’

A quick word with the manager and I was on my way to Brangwyn Avenue. Impossible to miss my destination: the expression ‘lit up like a Christmas tree’ didn’t even begin to cover the sheer luminescence of the display. Gaudily out of place here: Brighton’s own Kensington. As though I’d gone to the opera and been offered a McDonalds at the interval.

Perhaps better to leave out the murder, leave in the most festive house in the northern hemisphere: cause less tears at bedtime…

Plenty of light outside the house: didn’t see any coming from inside. Still, had to try the door: procedure.

A crackle on the radio: background on the victim had come in. Plenty of previous, a hardened pervert: weren’t they supposed to check backgrounds before employing these people? Damned if I knew. Still, the elf had no previous. In fact, the elf didn’t seem to have a background at all.

‘Guess what kids, my elf didn’t really exist either…’

The elf answered the door on the first ring, extensive bloodstains on his velvet costume. Should have been case closed then and there. On with the handcuffs and down to the station.

Then from a dimly-lit doorway off the darkened entranceway: “You’d better come in.” The baritone rumble resonating in my frame and enticing me.

I followed the elf, mute since my arrival, and somewhere along the way seemed to step into a fantasy. The room dressed in every form of Christmas attire imaginable. From baubles to tinsel, mistletoe to lametta, not a surface remained clear nor perch unhung. The entire scene lit only by a single candle, its flickering light reflected a million times creating an eerie sensation of being submerged in some festive sea.

“Detective Sergeant Cringle” The voice came from the armchair: another Father Christmas. I had been so busy taking in the décor I’d missed him on my first glance around the room. This one much more convincing – cherry nose, jelly belly and a stump of a pipe hung from his mouth completing the picture.

I was going to sound like C.S Lewis: ‘Then the elf lead me into the secret grotto where Santa was waiting for me… Stop laughing, it’s true!’

“Have a seat” he was directing me to the only other free chair, across the table from him, the candle lending an otherworldly glow to his bushy white beard.

To business: “You clearly know who I am, so I guess you know why I’m here.”

He nodded sagely: “Don’t blame Dudley – I sent him to do it.” The pipe between his teeth causing the ‘s’ to emerge as a lisp.

“Sir, with all due respect, you know me, we both know Dudley, but who, may I ask, are you?”

A raucous laugh from his belly: despite myself I felt my spirits lifting in time with each ‘Ho’.

“Why, DS Cringle, Can’t you see?” I shook my head, not trusting myself to speak lest the illogical giggle bubbling in my larynx should escape.

“I’m Santa.”

“Really?” my eyebrow rose.

“Roger was on my naughty list his whole life, you know. Never once had a present from me. Let me and Dudley on our way; and those children you daydream about are yours.”

***

Reindeer hooves on the frozen road almost drowned out my mobile. A text: GOT RESULTS: IVF SUCCESSFUL! MERRY XMAS LUV!

Errant giggle bubbling to the surface as I wondered what I would tell our kids about the night we found out we were pregnant.

‘Pays to be on Santa’s nice list, kids.’






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Comments by other Members



archgimp at 08:54 on 20 December 2005  Report this post
Eek! - This is counting 802 words - what's all that about?

Gah, sorry people, counted it by hand and by word-counting proggy. Both said 799. Ah well; guess that disqualifys me.. :(

gkay at 09:18 on 20 December 2005  Report this post
I've never tried flash fiction, so I wouldn't know if you're breaking the rules or not, but this is a great piece. I like the short sharp sentences and I think you've done well with a great idea.

DP at 09:50 on 20 December 2005  Report this post
A really good idea, and you definately pulled it off!

Sharp sentences: very Spillane. You might have used your : quota up for the year though!

I liked the details, like
The pipe between his teeth causing the ‘s’ to emerge as a lisp.

an eerie sensation of being submerged in some festive sea


DP

archgimp at 10:48 on 20 December 2005  Report this post
Thank you very much for the comments so far. Glad to see people have enjoyed reading it.

Have to say - writing to a restrictive wordcount really makes you think about how to structure a piece, how to eek out double-meanings from single sentances.

Closest thing I've tried before for a thread on a debating BBS I run where we all tried to create as complete a story as we could working with only 100 words. That had some amusing results; from the political to the satirical.

You might have used your : quota up for the year though


:D You know, I think you may be right. They did get me out of a few scrapes when I was clawing the excess 40-some words from my unedited original to bring it back down within 800 words.

However, I have a plan. I'm going to fetch the punctuation hammer and break down a few semicolons. I figure I can marry up one half with some excess full-stops I have sitting in the back of a cupboard, the other half I can rebrand as apostrophes and sell on the black market for a tidy profit.

And they said there was no money in writing...

Cymro at 11:01 on 20 December 2005  Report this post
I thought this was a fantastic piece of writing, really enjoyed reading it and the ending was very neat, without being predictable or clever-clever. I thought that Santa came across as quite dark in some respect - like the head of an international crime ring and the line

despite myself I felt my spirits lifting in time with each ‘Ho’.


makes him seem like some sort of Svengali figure! I really like this.

One line that I had to read a couple of times to make sense of was

Perhaps better to leave out the murder, leave in the most festive house in the northern hemisphere: cause less tears at bedtime…


It took me a while to realise this refers back to what he is planning to tell his kids. It may be that I was just being dim, but I didn't make the connection, so perhaps this line needs to be rephrased slightly.

But a minor point, and on the whole I thought this was great! Really good festive read!

James



Jumbo at 06:48 on 21 December 2005  Report this post
Hi.

Nice writing. Very funny - and a great twist on the detective / murder theme.

Loved the DS Cringle name - almost Christmas, but not quite.

So that's how it happens - you let someone get away with murder and your wife becomes pregnant! At least, I take it it was his his wife.

All the best

jumbo

ps don't worry about the word count - no one gets disqualified round here!






archgimp at 07:24 on 21 December 2005  Report this post
It took me a while to realise this refers back to what he is planning to tell his kids. It may be that I was just being dim, but I didn't make the connection, so perhaps this line needs to be rephrased slightly.


I've been pondering this, ways it could be clarified. I also had the same comment from someone I work with yesterday when they asked to read something I'd written.

Perhaps simply opening the line with another ellipsis would have turned the trick?

Of course, I *was* running out of dots at that point (see above comment)... ;)

Can't edit it now - at least not until I get paid and cough up for full membership anyway. Ne'er to mind - I understand it's the thought that counts. :)

So that's how it happens - you let someone get away with murder and your wife becomes pregnant! At least, I take it it was his his wife.


I'm pretty sure it only works if the protagonist is Santa Claus, I could be wrong of course. ;)

Loved the DS Cringle name - almost Christmas, but not quite.


Now you've made me happy. I was hoping someone would pick up on the references. Any guesses why the elf is called 'Dudley'? ;)

Glad you enjoyed it. Thank you all for the comments so far.

This is actually the first time I've l;et anyone but close friends read anything I've written. Call it the worst case of stage fright ever, lasted nearly 5 years. ;)

ginag at 07:40 on 21 December 2005  Report this post
Hi,

Welcome to writing flash. You've done so well on your first go, I think you might be a natural at it.

I've only been writing flash for about six months. I use it as an exercise as I am struggling to find time to write much else at the moment and it keeps my hand in.

It is also a great discipline, keeping to the word count really makes you examine every word and phrase to check it adds value and is working for the entire story. I've found this technique has improved my writing no end.

Can't really add any more, most of the points have already been covered.

Great stuff.

Gina.

Jumbo at 09:11 on 21 December 2005  Report this post
Must be Dudley Moore - didn't he play an elf in a film?

And no need to be frightened (well, not very frightened) - all though we all are, of course, at one time or another.

You have a great talent. I look forward to reading more of your work!

jumbo

choille at 13:06 on 21 December 2005  Report this post
Welcome and congratulations this is a very pleasant Chrismas read. For a first flash I think it is very well done.
Loved the 'naughty list'& mobile phones making that awful frog warble.

When you wrote 'those children you day dream about are yours' I thought ello ello a paedophile ring, was relieved it wasn't.

All the best with it
Caroline

crowspark at 17:11 on 22 December 2005  Report this post
Hi and welcome. A lively Christmas read. Lots of energy and great ideas.
Don't worry about going over the word count (although it would be easy to cut two words).
Nice flash and a very good first attempt.
Bill

Anj at 19:49 on 23 December 2005  Report this post
Archie,

I'm gonna ignore the 'not too harsh, not too soft' cos there's nothing harsh to say and no need to be soft ;)

This is a wonderfully surreally funny piece. So sharply written, with the hard-bitten cop

(oh and by the way this is a fantastic line

Still, the elf had no previous


one of many)

that I'm amazed you managed to slot in the surreality and pulled off too, but you did and with knobs on.

Love the idea of Santa as a gangland boss for good. Love too that you gave the DS a human story without it being the least schmaltzy.

Fab piece

Andrea




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