SCENE

THE CHIEF HENCHMAN OF JAMES BOND’S ARCH ENEMY BLOFELD IS ABOUT TO GIVE A CHRISTMAS ADDRESS TO THE TROOPS. HE CARRIES A CLIPBOARD AND IS WEARING DARK GLASSES. HE SPEAKS WITH AN EAST EUROPEAN ACCENT AND WHEN HE SPEAKS HIS DELIVERY IS DEADPAN.

Your attention please. Thank you. Well, I think you’ll agree that was an uplifting, Christmas Eve morale boosting address from our leader Ernst Stavro Blofeld, ahead of tomorrow’s much awaited and undoubtedly successful outcome of world domination.

However, it now falls to me, his second in command, to remind you that Mr. Blofeld is anticipating trouble from special agent 007, James Bond, to bugger up the launch of the power laser satellite destined to give us global control.

People, I am not unfamiliar with the pressure associated with launching a new and exciting project but that is still no excuse for not getting our man. Your festive green uniforms with red piping is tailor-made for both durability and comfort and yet, amazingly, Bondy, generally wearing dark attire, always manages to slip in undetected.

And as sure as oranges are oranges, he will sneak up from behind on one of you, apply a quick karate-chop to the neck like so, (DEMONSTRATES) and dress up in your articles of clothing, thus trying to blend in with all the other hard working members of SPECTRE. But let me tell you, oranges are not the only fruit!

Chances are he will execute the knockout chop on the smallest person of the team. So please, please, please, if you see a someone wearing clothes smaller than his frame will allow, then chances are that’s your man. And when you do see Bondy, for God’s sake shoot him!

But going on past history, and despite all your training, you invariably miss and this is where it stops because it's not going to happen again. Not this time. Not on my watch. Because if you're to get our man, my advice to you is this. B-B-C. (PAUSE) B-B-C. Bullet in Bond equals Corpse. Bondy might have a licence to kill but you’ve got the B-B-C licence and we all know the consequences for not having one of those!

Now then, and this is really important, whatever goes on tomorrow, if nothing else, stay away from the nitrogen tank –you can’t miss it, it’s right over there by the 12ft Christmas tree - because there’s always somebody who falls in. Happens every time, and when it does the whole bloody place goes up. Woof! Confidentially, Mr. Blofeld is not happy because Mr. Blofeld’s premiums going through the roof.

People, all I’m asking is for you to exercise caution when considering your own futures here at SPECTRE. Mr. Blofeld not only gives you rent-free accommodation, meals and buckshee uniforms, he also takes great pride in offering you a comprehensive pension package and of course, let’s not forget the Christmas bonuses. Now I ask you, wouldn’t it be a tragedy to have all your futures blighted by an atomic explosion?

Now then, and on a more calming note, I do realise because of the excitement tomorrow of opening Christmas presents and impending world domination, it may be difficult to get a good night’s kip. So you’ll be pleased to know that on level three there will be a special treat – karaoke! (PROUDLY) Yes, I told Mr. Blofeld that would hit the mark!

And if that weren’t enough, on level two, in addition to the normal Tuesday night bingo – and don’t forget this week it’s a rollover jackpot, they’ll be panto with Uncle Holly and the Blofeld dancers. I’ve also been reliably informed that Mabel in catering has excelled herself yet again with a rather splendid festive ratatouille. Yum-yum.

Finally, a word to the wise. Generally speaking we do actually manage to capture Bondy at least once and when that happens he’s duly delivered to Mr. Blofeld. Problem is that Mr. Blofeld is a very proud man and will insist on giving Bondy chapter and verse and generally giving away the plot and before you know it, Bondy’s escaped. And so this time, when you get him, don’t take him to the guv’nor, use a bit of initiative. Remember your training – and the buzzword B-B-C - and shoot the bugger. But remember, (TAPPING HIS NOSE) you didn’t here it from me.

Thank you for your time and all that’s left is for me to wish you all good luck for tomorrow and a very merry Christmas and a Bond free New year. Dismissed.


END