December the first, twenty four days to go,
To buy all the presents and wish for some snow,
I’ll pick up some cards and get them sent out,
A good time of year to give old friends a shout,
There’s plenty of time, nothing will go wrong,
And they’ve started to play that Cliff Richard song

Fifth of December, there’s a whole twenty days,
So I’m off to a party with a friend who DJ’s,
I’m having a drink and dancing away,
And thinking of Santa riding his sleigh,
The season of goodwill, just cannot go wrong,
As I’m dancing away to that Cliff Richard song,

The tenth of December, fifteen days remaining,
The work Christmas party, was so entertaining,
Everyone’s merry; they’ve all had a few,
I chat to my boss and he’s sick on my shoe,
But it’s only the first thing to go wrong,
And I still quite enjoy that Cliff Richard song,

Fifteenth of December, just ten days left,
I’m doing some shopping when I’m a victim a theft,
They’ve put up the prices, it’s like being robbed,
I was so disappointed I went home and sobbed,
Why oh why is it all going wrong?
And can someone please stop that Cliff Richard song?

Eighteenth of December, there’s only a week,
The postmen are striking, left me up shit-creek,
Buying online will save time they said,
But why couldn’t they leave the parcel in the shed?
There’s bugger all time and it’s all going wrong,
And I can’t get away from that Cliff Richard song

December twenty first, four days remain,
And I’m seriously tempted to escape on a plane,
I went to the shop, but can’t buy a turkey
The water is turning unquestionably murky,
What did I do to make it go wrong?
And I sick to the stomach of that Cliff Richard song,

Twas the night before Christmas, just twenty four hours,
And if I’m to do this I’ll need superpowers,
The turkey, the presents, the card, and the tree,
Why does it depend on little old me?
The worst Christmas ever, it’s all gone so wrong,
And I’ll murder Cliff Richard for singing that song,

Christmas day’s here, and though it took me all night,
The presents were wrapped, and everything’s right,
The children are smiling, and dinner’s near done,
Who would have thought it could be so much fun?
Thank the magic of Christmas that it didn’t go wrong,
And eleven months without that Cliff Richard song