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Salsa In The Duck And Bull

by Tray 

Posted: 07 December 2005
Word Count: 167
Summary: Here's a terza rima, (inspired by my first Salsa class last night). I struggled a bit on a couple of end rhymes - any comments would be fab... Tray x

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Salsa In The Duck And Bull.

Cigarette smoke swirls through the sultry heat.

Jim taps his hobnailed boots on the bar stool,

bodies sway to the sexy salsa beat.

Jim wants to dance but he’d be called a fool

to think a country farmer can Swivel.

So he rolls a fag and swigs his Real Ale.

Elaine shyly enters The Duck And Bull,

the widow’s taken weeks to join the group;

she wears her dance shoes with their lucky jewel.

Jim looks up, spots a gem amongst the troupe

entranced by the silver haired lady’s smile,

he wishes he’d worn his best Sunday suit.

Jim thinks: “Now’s the time, Bet’s been dead a while,

she always said there’s more to life than cows,”

he slides off his stool with Latino style.

He asks Elaine to dance, gives a stiff bow.

Takes her in his arms; listens to the tone

as the rhythm speeds to a fast beat now.

They dance the Rumba till the cows come home.

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Comments by other Members

Shika at 10:22 on 08 December 2005  Report this post
I really like this mini episode and the fact that it has a happy ending. I also liked the rhymes at the end. Sometimes I find rhymes contrived but it didnt feel like it with this. S

Tray at 10:31 on 08 December 2005  Report this post
Hi Shika,

Thanks for commenting.

I cringe a bit at the "now" in the 6th stanza, but my deadline's next tue so had to get on with it and I couldn't think of an alternative...

I'm not happy with either of those last 2 lines in that stanza, but liked my final line so then had to rhyme something with "home"...
Oh well, we have had to write in form this semester and I have really struggled with it, although it has been a worthwhile experience.

So good to hear that they're not as obvious as I'd feared!


Tray x

apsara at 08:51 on 09 December 2005  Report this post
Liked the story in this - also liked the rhymes - so much so that the one's that didn't rhyme/work stood out e.g. real Ale - and yes, think you are right about the last few stanzas - as it is about music & rhythm I wondered if it was worth reading it out loud & thinking about beat & syllable count - sometimes it reads a bit like chopped up prose.
I think if you read it aloud on tape & then listened you would see this more clearly.
I'd do it myself but no time so I hope this helps.

Tray at 09:02 on 09 December 2005  Report this post
Thanks Apsara,
That's a good idea.
I was trying to find an actual name of a real ale that would go in there but again, I couldn't and then thought maybe I'd get away with "Real Ale" as the rhyme...but obviously not!!!! (I might make a name up that sounds like a real ale - do you think that's ok??)
Good idea about taping it and listening back, I'll try that.
Tray x

Account Closed at 09:25 on 09 December 2005  Report this post
I love this - I think it's superb! Actually, I don't think the edgy not-quite-perfect rhythm is a problem - as that's the character of Jim. If it was too smooth, it wouldn't be his personality. I did wonder why her husband was called "Bet"?? Can't it be "Burt"?? Or similar ...

But really, seriously fantastic. It's still making me tingle.



Tray at 09:40 on 09 December 2005  Report this post
Hey Anne,

Thanks for your comments, that's great, I'm really chuffed.

Bet's actually the name of Jim's first wife (not Elaine's hubby)who's died and he's thinking about what she used to say about "more to life than cows..."
I don't think she'd appreciate being called Bert... lol

I like your thoughts on edgy rhymes, I know this poem does needs more work and I will try Apsara's idea of taping and listening, but as I am so pushed for time with deadline, perhaps I'll be able to get away with it... ;-)

Tray x

Account Closed at 11:39 on 09 December 2005  Report this post
Aha, I see! Sorry! I'm too much of a doh-brain this morning (post-2-day conference madness ...)



Plagious at 18:05 on 20 December 2005  Report this post
Had me thinking line/square dancing rather than salsa! Perhaps the words "country", "cows" and "ale" confused me! Tickled, nevertheless!

Beanie Baby at 07:32 on 18 July 2006  Report this post
This is really sweet! It just goes to show that love can happen, whatever age you are. I love the way you tell the whole story in such a brief way - yet leave out none of the emotions and feelings of the characters involved. Beautifully written.

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