Memories Of Mother
Posted: 27 November 2005
Word Count: 89
Summary: Hi all, this is for my folder.
I like the idea of having longer sentences in this poem as it is a more wistful piece. I am also reading C.K.Williams anthology Flesh and Blood which is great and has influenced me in my formatting.
But I would appreciate any comments on how I could improve this piece.
And what about the title? Is it too cliched?
Many thanks for any help.
Tray x
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Snapshots of Urban Life.
6. Memories of Mother.
I gaze at mother’s pinnied back as she half leans on the glazed Belfast sink,
tea towel flung over her shoulder like a sleepy child.
Pans scoured, Archers turned up, absently she wipes her forehead, trails soap suds,
draws checked curtains across the darkening street.
She turns and smiles, asks how I am, then asks again and again and again,
I pretend not to notice, “I’m well,” “life’s great,”
but at night I lie awake and remember. All my Mother forgets.
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 joanie at 12:18 on 28 November 2005
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Hi, Tray. I love the image here; I can see her perfectly. I like the repeated patterns: she wipes her forehead, trails soap suds,
draws checked curtains |
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I think the feel of it is better without 'absently', although it does add to the picture. I wonder, too, if 'glazed' is essential.
In the last line, 'Mother' doesn't have a capital unless it's used as a name, rather than 'My mother', so you could have 'All that Mother forgets.'
This is very well observed; I know exactly what you mean. It has reminded me of an exercise poem we did in Poetry Seminar. My reponse was called 'Locked', if you want to look at it. It's very different from this one but the sentiments are the same.
I enjoyed it.
joanie
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 Tray at 14:44 on 28 November 2005
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Hi Joanie,
Thank you so much for your comments.
Re-reading it I think maybe I have too many adjectives in there so I will remove the "glazed" although I must confess I am quite attached to the "absently"... (I know - kill those darlings!)
I think I should lose one of the "and again" too as a bit unnecesary perhaps.
I have read your poem Locked and was very impressed. It's much more subtle than mine I have to say which is good and am sure I'll learn not to spell things out so much!
All your comments were really helpful and I have taken them all on board and am busy re-editing.
Many thanks,
Tray x
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Plagious at 23:15 on 28 November 2005
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Hi Tracey
A simple piece, but a touch of Sisyphus?
An endless, repetitive, thankless, world?
Referring to whom? You or her?
Plagious
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Account Closed at 08:02 on 02 December 2005
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Ooh, reminds me of Heaney - stuff about his father etc etc. Domestic power - very enjoyable!
What about:
I gaze at mother’s pinnied back as she half leans on the glazed Belfast sink,
tea towel flung over her shoulder like a sleepy child.
Pans scoured, Archers turned up, absently she wipes her forehead, trails soap suds,
draws checked curtains across the darkening street.
She turns and smiles, asks how I am, then asks again and again and again,
I pretend not to notice, “I’m well,” “life’s great,”
but at night I lie awake and remember. All my mother forgets.
I just think (once again - sorry!!) that the spaces give us time to dwell on and take in the images more. It's a slow poem - no need to rush, in my opinion. And I've dropped your capital "m" in "mother" as as been said above!
:))
A
xxx
<Added>
Whoops - that's "as has!!!"
:))
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Tray at 08:12 on 06 December 2005
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Hi Plagious and Anne,
Apologies for not replying sooner to your comments, I do appreciate that you've taken the time to read it through and make a comment!
Plagious, just looked Sisyphus up in the referance dictionary (not very up on greek mythology I'm afraid...) and yes, I see what you're saying. I suppose the answer to your question
"Referring to whom? You or her?"
is referring to the narrator.
Thankyou for making me re-think this.
Anne, I am beginning to take on board what you are saying about spaces and allowing the reader time to breath, have now changed it accordingly - and dropped the capital.Very helpful again!
Many thanks to you both.
Tray x
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