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The Story Of The Snow.
Posted: 22 November 2005
Word Count: 65
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Raining down the unspoken words remained
Just sighs.
Subtle and fragile she went unheard until
The blind man felt the words.
Almost imperceptible the steady murmurings drifted
Into gentle drifts.
A monochrome tableau of mute sculpture,
Her words were like white paper doilies laid out
On a white damask cloth.
Eyes would have to be sharpened and attuned to
Hear the story of the snow.
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Comments by other Members
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 Anj at 22:42 on 22 November 2005
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Caroline,
This is gorgeous to read, and gorgeous to hear myself read in my head (which I did a few times to enjoy it again). I found it made me really still (in a good way) because I had to work to tease out the meanings and because the language lulled me. I love it's softness and the softness of the subject.
"Raining" didn't work so well for me, partly because I pictured rain, then had to make a mental adjustment to snow, and inbetween came sleet; also because it implies heavy where everything else is so soft.
Still, I love not just the language but the idea of the snow having a story to tell.
Wonderful
Andrea
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choille at 22:52 on 22 November 2005
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Many thanks glad you liked it. I hesitated posting it.
Caroline.
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Dreamer at 23:55 on 22 November 2005
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Wow Caroline,
A little different. Even less words than mine. These are sort of fun because they make the reader think. So little is said that a lot is left to the reader’s interpretation so, likely no two people will have the same interpretation of this.
So have you had any? Snow I mean. We just had a little flurry today. But I digress, back to your story/poem.
Raining down (,) the unspoken words remained. You might want to try falling or floating down instead of raining.
I liked this, although I wondered about the last line. ‘Eyes would have to be sharpened and attuned to
Hear the story of the snow.’ Earlier you mention ‘she went unheard until The blind man felt the words’. This is powerful and gets across what you are saying in the last line. You might want to refer back to the blind man again, saying something along the lines that her story went unheard except for the smile on the blind man’s face. Not these words but something like it. Or put in your line about the blind man at the end. It is just that I really loved that line and think it would be stronger than ‘eyes would have to be sharpened’.
As always, a pleasure to read.
Brian.
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 crowspark at 11:48 on 23 November 2005
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This is wonderful stuff Caroline.
Raining down works for me, despite the snowing option. I had a clear picture of snow coming down fast but not thick.
[quote]Almost imperceptible the steady murmurings drifted
Into gentle drifts.[/quote]
Is lovely. I wondered about drifted and drifts but haven't come up with anything better. (possibly because its perfect as it is)
Loved [quote]Her words were like white paper doilies laid out
On a white damask cloth.[/qote]
And that wonderful last line and title.
A pleasure to read.
Bill
<Added>
I don't know what happened to my !
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 Prospero at 15:08 on 23 November 2005
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Yeah! Me too. Beautifully expressed and so very poignant.
Lovely
John
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choille at 18:39 on 23 November 2005
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Hi Brian,
Thanks for reading.We await snow at this moment, we've been told there is to be much, so we have been away getting food and feed in.
I like the raining down bit and need the physical weight of the word, I feel, here, if that makes sense.
Thanks Bill for your kind words. I felt slightly embarrassed at first posting it, not what I usually write, and thought folks might snigger.So thanks for not.
Cheers John,
Thanks for reading and your kind words.
You've all made my day.
Cheers.
<Added>
Meant to say I like the physical weight and also the speed of the word 'raining'.
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Ian Smith 100 at 08:00 on 25 November 2005
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You've shown that poetry's not far away from flash with good line endings, and half-rhymes (words / unheard). It really lifts off, especially with re-reading. No use of mid-line commas works. Monochrome / mute is great. It's quite ambitious, which is why you thought someone might snigger. If it was me, I'd hard boil it some more because it's got a block of ice underneath, an ice sculpture. I like this sculpture. 'Subtle and fragile', 'imperceptible', 'steady murmurings', 'tableau', 'attuned' all protect it, and make it quite comfortable like bulbs insulated under the snow. Very good.
Ian
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Jumbo at 11:41 on 26 November 2005
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Lovely writing.
Have you posted this into the poetry acrhive? I think you should!
Wonderful images, Her words were like white paper doilies laid out / On a white damask cloth. Lovely!!
Well done.
jumbo
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 Dee at 08:46 on 27 November 2005
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Yes, this is lovely. I don’t know enough about poetry to make any constructive comment, but I enjoyed reading it.
Dee
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choille at 10:00 on 27 November 2005
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Thanks Dee. I know nothing of poetry at all so it is probably not poetry, but how to know? So I've taken Jumbo's suggestion and posted it in the Poetry archive.
Cheers for reading.
Caroline.
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Dee at 10:11 on 27 November 2005
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probably not poetry? All I can say is it’s a damned sight more poetic than many poems I've read.
Dee
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Dreamer at 16:07 on 27 November 2005
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Hey Dee,
Not knowing anything about something has never stopped me from commenting... maybe not a good thing...
:)
Brian.
I would agree Caroline, this is poetry. Good poetry as far as I'm concerned.
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