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Looking to the future
Posted: 18 November 2005
Word Count: 49
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Circumstances
blight her life with bloody-minded requisites
of recent years.
Considering
how she tries to make some sense of life-time’s pains
which fail to pale as time goes by,
cogitating
on a life which, on the surface, tastes divine,
she makes her plans and thumbs her nose
at circumstance.
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Comments by other Members
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 Brian Aird at 09:08 on 21 November 2005
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Interesting circular structure, the poem certainly worked for me and I liked the inner rhyme 'fail to pale'. I found the slightly inconsistent use of caps and punctuation, only mildly distracting.
Just one point, 'life' is repeated three times though and I wasn't sure of 'life's pains' over 'a lifetime's pains' – (no need to hyphenate).
As Shika points out, the piece makes a very accurate observation.
Brian
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 joanie at 10:44 on 21 November 2005
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Thanks Brian. I agree with your points about 'life'; I'll have another look at it. As for the capitals and punctuation, I did it exactly as if it were prose, as I usually try to do. So there isn't a capital at the start of the third verse as it continues from the line before.
Thanks for reading and commenting!
joanie
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 paul53 [for I am he] at 14:29 on 22 November 2005
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Imagine if, for just one day, we could wish away all those who waste our time or make bad situations worse. Bliss.
Actually the repetition of life works well, as:
life ...
life ...
[sigh] life ...
says quite a lot by itself.
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joanie at 21:17 on 23 November 2005
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Thanks for reading and commenting Paul - much appreciated!
joanie
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engldolph at 07:35 on 26 November 2005
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Hi Joanie,
I've dropped into this one a few times over the past week or so..but struggled a little to find the same focus and natural edge of some of your other poems... but I think there is a core here that talks about "making that decision to set off in a new direction" that is worth exploring:
The core of your piece for me has something like:
Circumstances have blighted her life with bloody-minded requisites;
She has tried to make some sense of life-time’s pains
which fail to pale
She makes her plans; Thumbs her nose.
I'm not sure that add ons like:
-Considering
-of recent years.
-as time goes by,
- cogitating
really add to the strength of this core thought/expression.
I think you do need to build something around the core, but not quite sure what..
I like the optimistic energy
Mike
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joanie at 08:54 on 26 November 2005
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Mike, thank you so much for taking the time to comment so thoughtfully and constructively. I know exactly what you mean; I think it probably needs a complete re-think. I'll play about with it for a while.
Many thanks.
joanie
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.JPG) Zettel at 14:41 on 26 November 2005
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Joannie
I love the tone of this. "Sometimes down - but never out!"
As ever - very real, perceptive and distinctively your 'voice'.
regards
Zettel
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