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Looking to the future

by joanie 

Posted: 18 November 2005
Word Count: 49

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blight her life with bloody-minded requisites
of recent years.

how she tries to make some sense of life-time’s pains
which fail to pale as time goes by,

on a life which, on the surface, tastes divine,
she makes her plans and thumbs her nose

at circumstance.

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Comments by other Members

Shika at 22:32 on 18 November 2005  Report this post
Hi Joanie

I like this. Very well observed. S

joanie at 08:35 on 19 November 2005  Report this post
Thanks Shika!


Brian Aird at 09:08 on 21 November 2005  Report this post
Interesting circular structure, the poem certainly worked for me and I liked the inner rhyme 'fail to pale'. I found the slightly inconsistent use of caps and punctuation, only mildly distracting.

Just one point, 'life' is repeated three times though and I wasn't sure of 'life's pains' over 'a lifetime's pains' – (no need to hyphenate).

As Shika points out, the piece makes a very accurate observation.


joanie at 10:44 on 21 November 2005  Report this post
Thanks Brian. I agree with your points about 'life'; I'll have another look at it. As for the capitals and punctuation, I did it exactly as if it were prose, as I usually try to do. So there isn't a capital at the start of the third verse as it continues from the line before.

Thanks for reading and commenting!


paul53 [for I am he] at 14:29 on 22 November 2005  Report this post
Imagine if, for just one day, we could wish away all those who waste our time or make bad situations worse. Bliss.
Actually the repetition of life works well, as:
life ...
life ...
[sigh] life ...

says quite a lot by itself.

joanie at 21:17 on 23 November 2005  Report this post
Thanks for reading and commenting Paul - much appreciated!


engldolph at 07:35 on 26 November 2005  Report this post
Hi Joanie,

I've dropped into this one a few times over the past week or so..but struggled a little to find the same focus and natural edge of some of your other poems... but I think there is a core here that talks about "making that decision to set off in a new direction" that is worth exploring:

The core of your piece for me has something like:

Circumstances have blighted her life with bloody-minded requisites;

She has tried to make some sense of life-time’s pains
which fail to pale

She makes her plans; Thumbs her nose.

I'm not sure that add ons like:

-of recent years.
-as time goes by,
- cogitating

really add to the strength of this core thought/expression.
I think you do need to build something around the core, but not quite sure what..

I like the optimistic energy


joanie at 08:54 on 26 November 2005  Report this post
Mike, thank you so much for taking the time to comment so thoughtfully and constructively. I know exactly what you mean; I think it probably needs a complete re-think. I'll play about with it for a while.

Many thanks.


Zettel at 14:41 on 26 November 2005  Report this post

I love the tone of this. "Sometimes down - but never out!"

As ever - very real, perceptive and distinctively your 'voice'.



joanie at 12:46 on 27 November 2005  Report this post
Thanks, Zettel!

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