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Waiting

by poemsgalore 

Posted: 02 August 2003
Word Count: 111
Summary: What happens in your mind just before sleep?


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Waiting

In night's dark cloak he comes to me,
he whispers how it ought to be.
I hear his step outside my door
and I am seventeen once more.

Through dreaming hours we blend like mist;
my brow, my eyes, my mouth he's kissed.
Our souls are one, we cannot part
for long ago he stole my heart.

But as the dawn breaks he is gone,
vanished where the sun has shone
and I awake to live my life
as someone's mother, someone's wife.

Every day I grow more weary,
wasted hours - so long, so dreary.
The love I never had must hide
'til darkness brings him to my side.






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Comments by other Members



olebut at 18:07 on 02 August 2003  Report this post
Kathleen

it is amazing how peopel pick such semingly obscure but in fact common topics to write about and you have picke done that I am sure everybody can relateto at some time in their lives. I like the simplicty of this poem and againthe images it conjures up.

My only minor comments otherwise are;


But as the dawn breaks he is gone



would this scan better if it read


But as the dawn breaks he's gone


pendantic I guess but super

take care

David

ps you coming to Brighton with the loony left ?












<Added>

Kathleen I have just reread this and wonder also if

you need another word in this line before the word heart?

for long ago he stole my heart [/]

i suggest lonely

just athought

take care

David

Ellenna at 18:51 on 02 August 2003  Report this post
kathleen, I love , love, love this!...I have just printed it out..wonderful. You have expressed it all for me..

Ellie :)

<Added>

Oh yes please come to Brighton!

poemsgalore at 16:20 on 03 August 2003  Report this post
Brighton! What's going off at Brighton? I'm afraid I'm far too loony even for the loony left.

fevvers at 17:37 on 04 August 2003  Report this post
Hey kathleen

One point about your rhythm. It is a very strong iambic tetramtre (for anyone who's interested). And David's right you have got a problem with the scanning in that line, because it's such a strong iambic you can clearly hear when the rhythm changes. Either you need more variation in the metrical feet (which I think could make it sound lovely - chuck in a trochee, anapest or a dactyl every now and again at the beginning), or tighten up the lines that vary as iambic tetrametre, which I think is less exciting.

Rhythmically it gets more interesting at the 'dawn' line, for me, because of the variations (you do have a shorter foot at the vanished line that would take no time to bring up to 4 stresses) - especially when we're bought back to the iambic tetrametre of "and I awake to live my life" - that's quite subtle writing!

Please, don't mind my ramblings

Cheers


poemsgalore at 18:23 on 04 August 2003  Report this post
You must be reading it differently to me, it seems to scan ok when I read it out loud. Maybe it's because the lines look shorter that they seem shorter. I like it the way it is, as I'm not a "technical" poet and only write for pleasure. Thanks for the comments though. Sorry Fevvers, haven't got a clue what you mean when you say "chuck in a trochee, anapest or a dactyl" maybe you could explain these terms to me please.

bluesky3d at 19:09 on 04 August 2003  Report this post
This is a Great poem Kathlene...yes please do explain further Fevvers, I am interested too...

Had a smile at David's word 'pendantic' a combination of pedantic and pentantic ? as opposed to iambic tetrameter or petrameter :o)

As far as I can see ... and I might be wrong .. perhaps there is a 'missing' syllable on the second line of the third verse ..I have indicated below where, by adding the word 'and' brackets thus.. (and) ..

In addition, the stress changes on the first two lines of the last verse and could be made more regular by inserting an extra syllable at the start of first and second lines of the last verse but they would seem superfluous..

Dunno if my explanation adds any clarity though.. whatever .. its still a great poem :o)

Andrew

In NIGHTS dark CLOAK he COMES to ME,
he WHISpers HOW it OUGHT to BE.
I HEAR his STEP outSIDE my DOOR
and I am SEVen TEEN once MORE.

Through DREAming HOURS we BLEND like MIST;
my BROW, my EYES, my MOUTH he's KISSED.
Our SOULS are ONE, we CANnot PART
for LONG aGO he STOLE my HEART.

But AS the DAWN breaks HE is GONE,
(and) VANished WHERE the SUN has SHONE
and I aWAKE to LIVE my LIFE
as SOMEone's MOTHer, SOMEone's WIFE.

EVery DAY I GROW more WEARy,
WASTEd HOURS - so LONG, so DREARy.
The LOVE I NEVer HAD must HIDE
'til DARKness BRINGS him TO my SIDE.


James Graham at 20:09 on 04 August 2003  Report this post
A very accomplished rhyming poem. Often the second of two rhyming lines is the stronger, as it should be - e.g. 'and I am seventeen once more' or 'as someone's mother, someone's wife'. Both strong lines.

'We cannot part/for long ago he stole my heart' might be criticised as cliches, but I think they're actually appropriate here. This affair under 'night's dark cloak' is much more romance than reality, and expressions that might have come from an old pop song aren't out of place at all.

The metre, form and rhyme scheme are the same as Marlowe's 'Passionate Shepherd':

'Come live with me and be my Love,
And we will all the pleasures prove...'

There must be an English folk tune that your poem could be sung to. Or even an original setting - do you know any composers? Does any WriteWords member know a composer?

James.

poemsgalore at 18:16 on 05 August 2003  Report this post
Thanks James, must read "Passionate Shepherd" by Marlowe, used to know quite a few composers in my mis-spent youth - alas no more.

R-Poet at 23:08 on 06 August 2003  Report this post
poemsgalore: nice to see I'm not the only non-technical poet. I've not the first idea about scanning etc. Either it seems right to me or it doesn't. (No idea if my own stuff scans or not.)

Your rhythms felt right.

Steve

poemsgalore at 18:22 on 07 August 2003  Report this post
Thanks Steve, will go and look at your poems shortly - I bet they're great :-)


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