 Anna Reynolds at 17:17 on 17 April 2003
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Wow- what a lot there is in this 'short' film! Having read it through a couple of times, as it's so packed with complexities, I have a few thoughts- feel free to discard/reject!
I think the opening is amazing- and all good films should have a gobsmacking first few scenes. Truly memorable. Jacob is interesting and easy to empathise with, even though he seems to be presenting us with some pretty unpalatable secrets. I think there are lots of areas where some ruthless editing could make it a much clearer, cleaner script-- I know it's intended to be- and is- a complex, layered film, but for me it's confusing in that lots of different stories are being told.
I also think that areas that really work well- the relationship with his dad, the telling of the lovely animal stories- do so becsause you've been more economical. Whereas the phone call before Alisha comes, for instance, is a waste of a page- it doesn't tell us anything knew that couldn't be done in a few lines. In general, I think you could seriously trim the dialogue- really ask the question, do I need this? and, can it be told/shown more economically?
watch those exclamation marks- and tighten up your directions as well. I know why you've quite often said 'Jacob feels...' but in screen terms, if it can't be shown, don't write it down unless it's crucial. You're a very visual writer, so I think you could really capitalise on this.
The build up to the date is great- and his daydream and the contrast with the real thing. I worry slightly that Alisha's big confession of her 'secrets' is yet another huge event in a relatively short film-- one thought is, making films of this length is hard. Why not expand it into a full length piece? Then all these big issues/themes/dynamics-- Jacob's relationship with his parents, which are beautifully written, and his guilt over his dad's death, which is excellent and truthful- could be given some room to explore, and some space to breathe.
Also, and this is part of the same thought, there seems to be a change of style in the film-- Jacob's early scenes, the abandoned baby, have a completely different tone to them to the date and Alisha's revelations. I understand why-- his internal world is full of dark, nightmarish imagery that fuels his guilt and anxiety and feelings of worthlessness- and his external life now is the complete opposite. But I think, again, in a longer film, you could explore how these two worlds gradually become one as he passes through a change and then heals to some extent- or does he?
As I say, reject or discard. I think there are lots of fabulous qualities here and your strengths as writer are definitely striking visual imagery and when you are more economical, your words amaze. It's editing and then possibly taking deep breath and plunging into full length tv/film piece maybe? I await results eagerly!
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 Jibunnessa at 19:47 on 17 April 2003
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Once again, thank you for your wonderful ability to be appropriately critical and yet encouraging at the same time. It's a special quality.
I think perhaps it could benefit from being a feature. I too was worried about the fact that so many stories were being told in such a short space of time. The only problem I have is that ... OK, not the only problem... Firstly, this is quite a difficult story to tackle in a film format, and to create 90 mins of it is going to be hard. Also, I have the unfinished novel that it's based on (well it only takes a little of the novel) in my mind. If I make it 90 mins, should I not make a script based on the whole novel? But this would introduce even more elements (a bit of his time at university perhaps?, his adventure of discovery seeking the 'Secret Rivers of London' his father talked of, his relationship with Pepe the psychiatrist).
Essentially (in the whole Jacob story ...not just that in the short film script above), the crucial elements are his relationship with his parents, his guilt and feelings of uncleanliness, and his almost obsessive need to find London's hidden rivers as a way of keeping his connection with his dad ...and of course later it's his relationship with Alisha too.
As for the telephone conversation in the script between Jacob and Alisha, I can see why on paper it might look too long and a bit of a waste. But, for me, what it shows is his sudden switch in mood. That this is a character that isn't self-indulgently heavy, expecting everybody else to put up with him. He has warmth and humour, and that, despite the turmoil he's feeling, he can suddenly become cheered up (because he desperately wants to cheer up, be accepted, loved). I personally think that without the telephone conversation, the audience would be confused and wonder where the mood change came from. Although the change was sudden (as he's so pleased to hear from Alisha), the telephone conversation I think will gently ease the audience into it so that they can feel it happening rather than be expected to simply accept it because I say so.
I'm not so sure how to represent time passing on a script. There are obviously various devices one can use when directing the film itself. But, when you don't want to show the time passing in real time ...how do you write it in a script?
I think some ruthless editing of dialogue is probably needed throughout. But now if I think of doing it as a 90 mins, where to start? Begin again?
Such a big challenge!
But, ultimately worth it. I'm very excited about the story and I probably wouldn't be doing it full justice if I kept it to short film format.
So, time to bite the bullet.
Thanks.
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tweed at 19:34 on 05 May 2003
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For me the story's the thing, and this is a good story. A little trimming here and there...
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GC at 12:14 on 13 May 2003
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I enjoyed this piece, a good ending - but it could have been made slightly more dramatic there.
You need (in my humble opinion) to trim back a lot in both your action and dialogue. Make it snappier.
Overall - a very good original story, that needs only minor improvements.
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Jibunnessa at 23:30 on 13 May 2003
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Thanks Glennis,
Glad you enjoyed the piece.
You are right about the trimming. Not entirely sure what to trim. Will have to reflect.
Don't know about a more dramatic ending though. I'll give it some thought of course.
Anyway, thanks for the constructive comments.
---Jib
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