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Airport (Exercise poem) Updated

by joanie 

Posted: 08 November 2005
Word Count: 383
Summary: A response to fevvers' exercise on Poetry Seminar


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Second draft

I look up at the moon,
a blur
as if observed through tissue paper.
I smile.

The air
feels like autumn.
Good! I worry about
warmth out of season.
I drink in the freshness
before I start the engine.

Bumps like debris,
that car
which parks on the bend.
Blackness. A string of lights
in the distance, like a necklace
when the thread has stretched.

I smile at the phone box,
with its glow
and I wish I hadn't lingered,
chatting to my friend.
My lateness irritates me.

I hate Christmas coming in November
but The Pogues don't count, really.
I sing 'You faggot;
Happy Christmas your arse'
and I love its volume.

I reach the place for parking. The guy
in the jacket which you canít miss waits
for me to park my car and leave. No chance!
I'm waiting here. You can't fine me!

Here he comes.

I take one glance at the moon,
smile and wink,
then turn off The Pogues,
substitute radio
and settle back
to play the chauffeur
and listen to the traumas of the day.





I look up at the moon,
an unexpected blur
as if observed through tissue paper.
I smile.

The air is chilled;
it feels like autumn.
Good! I worry about unseasonal
warmth. I drink in the freshness
before I start the engine.

Speed bumps, debris,
that annoying car
which always parks on the bend.
Blackness. A string of lights
in the distance, like a necklace
when the thread has stretched.

I smile at the old red phone box,
looking inviting
with its dim yellow glow
and I wish I hadn't lingered
quite so long, chatting to my friend.
I'm late now.

I detest Christmas coming early
but The Pogues don't count, really.
I sing LOUDLY 'You cheap lousy faggot
Happy Christmas your arse'
and it's far too loud
but I love it.

I reach the parking bay. The pompous guy
in the day-glo jacket is desperate
for me to park my car and leave. No chance!
I'm waiting here. You can't fine me!

Here he comes.

I take one last glance at the teasing moon,
smile and wink,
then turn off The Pogues,
substitute local radio
and settle back
to play the chauffeur
and listen to the traumas of the day.






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Comments by other Members



Elsie at 21:09 on 08 November 2005  Report this post
A girl after my own heart - the Pogues, and that song. I did chuckle knowingly at the idea of replacing it with something more sedate when you've picked up .. your chap, partner, I presume. The phonebox and string of lights very visual.

joanie at 21:14 on 08 November 2005  Report this post
Thanks, Elsie! Exactly right.

joanie

Xenny at 21:17 on 08 November 2005  Report this post
I realised by the time I got to the end of the fourth paragraph that this was carrying me along like a little story.

"Good! I worry about unseasonal
warmth."

This bit was somehow very endearing. I thought aww!

I too liked the paragraph about the Pogues. The last two lines made me laugh. And you're right - they don't count.




Nell at 21:21 on 08 November 2005  Report this post
Hi joanie,

A journey by night is a wonderful idea, and the mood it seems to have brought out in you is a huge surprise! It's funny how knowing that this is only the first part of the exercise seems to have given us permission to write more freely than we might normally. Love the moon as ...an unexpected blur/as if observed through tissue paper... that wilful 'Good!' and the description of the phone box, the surprise of ...Happy Christmas your arse... It'll be interesting to see what comes next with this exercise.

Nell.



joanie at 08:23 on 09 November 2005  Report this post
Xenny and Nell, many thanks! A good exercise, so far, I think.

joanie

fevvers at 18:31 on 09 November 2005  Report this post
Hi Joanie

This is lovely and a very accomplished first draft from an exercise. The mood feels kind of langorous, bordering on apathetic, which is hard to sustain - it's your lovely syntax that's holding it, well done! Did you enjoy writing it?

Cheers

joanie at 19:45 on 09 November 2005  Report this post
Thanks fevvers. Yes, I did enjoy writing this. I thought about it as I drove then scribbled frantically as I waited in the car and wrote it when I got home.

Waiting for the next bit!!

joanie

fevvers at 19:49 on 09 November 2005  Report this post
Lovely,

Second part instructions posted.

joanie at 19:55 on 09 November 2005  Report this post
Can't post until tomorrow - it's ready!

joanie

Nell at 07:55 on 10 November 2005  Report this post
Hi again joanie, I keep comparing the two. I think I prefer the leaner version, things seem clearer - not in the sense that the meanings were obscured before, more as if the air circulating within the poem is more transparent. Sorry if that sounds like nonsense!

Nell.

joanie at 08:17 on 10 November 2005  Report this post
Thanks Nell. That makes perfect sense!

joanie

Xenny at 12:27 on 10 November 2005  Report this post
I agree, apart from:

and it's far too loud
but I love it.

Which I liked!

fevvers at 13:30 on 10 November 2005  Report this post
Hi Joanie

This is great, and very interesting. Do you think you could say a little about what you feel the differences between the drafts are, how you feel about each one, which (if any) is more satisfying and why?

Thanks

joanie at 14:42 on 10 November 2005  Report this post
Thanks fevvers. I think re-drafting has made me think about tightness, really. I found that I was losing something of what I wnated to say sometimes, like with the phone box - I wanted to say it was red! and I still quite like the 'unexpected blur' of the moon.

The tone of 'My lateness irritates me' is very different from 'I'm late now'.

It has certainly made me think. What's next?

joanie

joanie at 14:43 on 10 November 2005  Report this post
Thanks Xenny. I had to change 'and it's far too loud/ but I love it.' because of the adjective!

I'm looking forward to the next bit.

joanie


Mac AM at 15:15 on 15 November 2005  Report this post
Hello Joanie,this was a lovely read. I like the way you lift things out of the darkness, adding light as you go. You pick out the things that annoy you too, but rather than this being a rant or a diatribe, you kee it night and tight. I think Fevver is very right, you control it well with your language.

Great.

Mac

joanie at 22:56 on 15 November 2005  Report this post
Thanks, Mac!!

joanie


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